Infertility sucks.
It can be draining on your health. It can be draining on your marriage. It can be draining on your social life. It can be draining on your finances.
It's crazy to me just how much it costs to do fertility treatments. Attempts and trials to create life. Some successes and some failures.
I feel like for every failure there should be some kind of refund (even a partial one). Right?
I commend all the couples who have plunked down tens of thousands of dollars on failed attempts. I don't know if I could be that strong. Who knows, maybe we will be.
Recently, I went in for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork following another failed IUI cycle. When I went to check out with the receptionist, she told me that we had a balance of $XXXX. While I was expecting a balance of some kind based on our previous IUI cycle, I had no idea that it would be five times the amount of the previous time!
I did a double take and asked her to say that again.
I couldn't understand how or why there was such a disparity in the pricing for the EXACT. SAME. PROCEDURE.
Sure, there was a little more monitoring in the way of ultrasounds and bloodwork for this most recent cycle. But in the end, the IUI method was the exact same method.
I talked to the insurance/billing coordinator at the doctor's office to find out what I could about the billing. I was really praying that it was a mistake.
Unfortunately, to my dismay, because the IUI cycle was considered a "Combo Cycle" because we started with straight injectables (Follistim) rather than pills (Femara or Clomid), it was considered an "S-Code" that doesn't get billed until AFTER the IUI procedure and all in one lump some. Some kind of "contractual obligation" to bill that way.
It's a load of insurance mumbo jumbo bull if you ask me. It's how the insurance company gets out of paying for anything and just having this "applied to the deductible".
When I went in for my baseline ultrasound, the ultrasound tech said she saw a cyst, so I figured that meant that we'd have to wait until that cleared. The nurse called me later that day letting me know that I'd be able to start on injections that evening.
Enter the financial conundrum.
Considering that the most recent cycle cost $XXXX, we had to talk about if we could even do another cycle based on the amount that it cost. Yes, we'd get closer to our deductible, making IVF more within reach (if we decided to go down that path)...but seriously, the financial side of this stuff is no joke!
Given our current circumstances, including looking into buying a house, we just can't swing another unexpected lump sum of money...on something that might not work.
I know, I should be thinking "but what if it does work?" and knowing full well that if it were to work, it would have be totally worth whatever we had to shell out.
However, coming from a place of pure pragmatism...it just doesn't seem wise at this time.
It's disappointing.
It feels oftentimes like I have to choose between a house or a baby. We'd like to move to another house for the sake of our future baby. And we'd like a baby.
Too much to ask for!?
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Balancing Hope and Disappointment
I know there are tons of quotes about rejection and not giving up.
About perseverance in the face of adversity.
About staying positive and moving forward.
Infertility messes you up.
Not just in the obvious sense of not being able to conceive easily, but mentally as well. It's
I'm pretty sure that after I experienced my miscarriage, I went into a state of depression. I'm thinking that it was on the milder side of things since I was still functioning, still able to get out of bed, and still able to do every day things. I did notice, however, that I didn't have the same drive or motivation to do things as I once did.
My dream of becoming a mother had finally come true, and on our own at that, and then just as quickly as we realized our dream, it was shattered. Into a million pieces.
I felt like I was in a million pieces.
Maybe I deal with grief more gracefully, or maybe I just lie to myself that I'm doing just fine.
Infertility infiltrates your life in a way that you might not even see coming. It lingers like that pimple that just won't go away or mosquito bite that just won't heal.
It seeps into your inner thoughts making you wonder why you should keep on believing or keep on trying. What's the point?
We're looking to possibly make a move and move into a bigger home in a better neighborhood for our future kids. The thoughts of, "What if we never have kids to fill this house?" creep into my head and make me question everything we're doing.
And that's not even addressing the stress that comes with everything it costs to go through and treat infertility. It's not cheap.
It's really upsetting that it is so simple (and inexpensive) to end a life through abortion, and yet it can be ridiculously cost-prohibitive for couples to start a family. I'm not trying to get in a debate about abortion, but I'd like to address the elephant in the room. I think that needs to be something politicians think about.
Every cycle that we go into, I start out ever so hopeful. Like, this could be it. This will be the cycle that gets us our baby. I follow the protocol, the injections, the pills, the medications.
We try to do everything we can to have the best outcome.
And then disappointment.
How do you hang onto hope when you face disappointment? I don't have a clear answer.
I try to turn to gratitude and find the things that I'm grateful for. But I'd be remiss if I said that I didn't also take some time to be sad about it.
I think the key to balancing hope and disappointment is to not remain in disappointment. To take it for what it is and continue moving forward.
How do you hold onto hope in the midst of disappointment?
About perseverance in the face of adversity.
About staying positive and moving forward.
Infertility messes you up.
Not just in the obvious sense of not being able to conceive easily, but mentally as well. It's
I'm pretty sure that after I experienced my miscarriage, I went into a state of depression. I'm thinking that it was on the milder side of things since I was still functioning, still able to get out of bed, and still able to do every day things. I did notice, however, that I didn't have the same drive or motivation to do things as I once did.
My dream of becoming a mother had finally come true, and on our own at that, and then just as quickly as we realized our dream, it was shattered. Into a million pieces.
I felt like I was in a million pieces.
Maybe I deal with grief more gracefully, or maybe I just lie to myself that I'm doing just fine.
Infertility infiltrates your life in a way that you might not even see coming. It lingers like that pimple that just won't go away or mosquito bite that just won't heal.
It seeps into your inner thoughts making you wonder why you should keep on believing or keep on trying. What's the point?
We're looking to possibly make a move and move into a bigger home in a better neighborhood for our future kids. The thoughts of, "What if we never have kids to fill this house?" creep into my head and make me question everything we're doing.
And that's not even addressing the stress that comes with everything it costs to go through and treat infertility. It's not cheap.
It's really upsetting that it is so simple (and inexpensive) to end a life through abortion, and yet it can be ridiculously cost-prohibitive for couples to start a family. I'm not trying to get in a debate about abortion, but I'd like to address the elephant in the room. I think that needs to be something politicians think about.
Every cycle that we go into, I start out ever so hopeful. Like, this could be it. This will be the cycle that gets us our baby. I follow the protocol, the injections, the pills, the medications.
We try to do everything we can to have the best outcome.
And then disappointment.
How do you hang onto hope when you face disappointment? I don't have a clear answer.
I try to turn to gratitude and find the things that I'm grateful for. But I'd be remiss if I said that I didn't also take some time to be sad about it.
I think the key to balancing hope and disappointment is to not remain in disappointment. To take it for what it is and continue moving forward.
How do you hold onto hope in the midst of disappointment?
The Great Follistim Shortage
I was finally able to start a cycle with my doctor's office!
After waiting for a cyst on my ovary to collapse and travel plans to pass, I was finally able to move forward with treatment.
This time around, my doctor had me go straight into injections with Follistim. I was really lucky to have a friend who had some Follistim leftover from another cycle that was not yet expired. However, when I tried to order more, I learned that there was a national Follistim shortage.
How the heck does that happen!?
Considering that Follistim is lab-derived, you'd think that it would be fairly straightforward to keep in stock. Right? Well, apparently not.
When I used up my supply from my friend, and needed more the same night, I let the nurse know that I didn't have any. She sent out the prescription for GonalF, which was it's own adventure in fertility drugs. However, since I didn't have any on hand and needed to inject myself with a dose that night, I was lucky enough to get some Follistim from my doctor's office that had been donated back by another patient.
I drove through rush hour traffic all the way across the city and back, and in the midst of it all, one of my tires was losing pressure and I was super paranoid driving back across town in the event that it might blow out or get flat. Talk about stressful...
It boggles my mind how a pharmaceutical company isn't able to accurately forecast med quantities. You'd think that a shortage would be unheard of...or if there was a shortage that the pharma rep would let the doctor's office know.
And let's now get started on the complete and utter racket that the pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies are. They are no doubt in cahoots with each other for profit. I feel like insurance companies should be a non-profit organization based on principle alone - in order to provide the best care for their customers, instead of gouging them, quoting ridiculous pricing for medications.
I'm not sure how it's possible, but the medication that I ended up ordering through a cash pharmacy was quote to me at almost THREE times the cash price, and that was supposedly the "co-pay". In my experience, co-pays shouldn't cost more than the CASH price of a drug. Maybe I'm wrong, but something just seems terribly fishy there.
As of this writing, Follistim is still in a state of national shortage, and hopefully should be back to normal stock by July.
#StartAsking and Advocate for Yourself
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I know that when I started out on my journey of starting a family, I had no idea what was in store. I never thought that becoming a parent would involve thousands of dollars, endless blood draws, countless ultrasounds (and not the kind in the movies on the outside of the belly....) or even surgery.
Our path has.
I remember when I first learned that it was going to be more complicated to start a family. I was overwhelmed. There was so much information and so little information. And if you don't know anyone who has gone through infertility, you can get lost quickly!
When my OBGYN referred me to a specialist, I was really nervous because I didn't completely understand the process. You'd think that biology and health classes in high school and college would explain it, but it's such a complicated process! When you're not actively trying to conceive, you kind of ignore the details...I know I did!
If you come to the place where you are ready to meet with a specialist, you must advocate for yourself. The first reproductive endocrinologist seemed to be in a hurry. There I was, nervous, didn't understand all the infertility/fertility terms or procedures, and here was this guy spewing all the tests that we had to do. He didn't take time to get to know me or my history. He launched directly into his standard protocol of treatment.
I was not comfortable with that.
I never went back.
Then I heard he left that practice.
When I was ready to dip my toe in the RE pool again, I did my research. I knew that I wanted to find a female doctor (if possible), and hopefully one who had experience treating women with PCOS. I wanted to find someone who would listen to my concerns, answer my questions, and get to know my husband and I a little bit before advising treatment.
After lots of research, I found our current RE, who is wonderful and everything that I could ask for in a reproductive endocrinologist. She has fantastic beside manner, is kind, empathetic, and explains everything in plain English. She is the best!
That experience taught me that if I had gone blindly with the other specialist...who knows where I would be. I know at the very least, I'd be a little disappointed in my care!
This journey is HARD. You must advocate for yourself. Ask questions. Find support.
When you're looking at spending thousands of dollars (with and without insurance!), you shouldn't have to just go to "anyone". If you have the ability to choose your doctor, do so. Even if it means you have to interview multiple specialists. You should feel 100% comfortable with your doctor!
Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive for 12 months or to carry a pregnancy through a live birth
Our path has.
I remember when I first learned that it was going to be more complicated to start a family. I was overwhelmed. There was so much information and so little information. And if you don't know anyone who has gone through infertility, you can get lost quickly!
When my OBGYN referred me to a specialist, I was really nervous because I didn't completely understand the process. You'd think that biology and health classes in high school and college would explain it, but it's such a complicated process! When you're not actively trying to conceive, you kind of ignore the details...I know I did!
If you come to the place where you are ready to meet with a specialist, you must advocate for yourself. The first reproductive endocrinologist seemed to be in a hurry. There I was, nervous, didn't understand all the infertility/fertility terms or procedures, and here was this guy spewing all the tests that we had to do. He didn't take time to get to know me or my history. He launched directly into his standard protocol of treatment.
I was not comfortable with that.
I never went back.
Then I heard he left that practice.
When I was ready to dip my toe in the RE pool again, I did my research. I knew that I wanted to find a female doctor (if possible), and hopefully one who had experience treating women with PCOS. I wanted to find someone who would listen to my concerns, answer my questions, and get to know my husband and I a little bit before advising treatment.
After lots of research, I found our current RE, who is wonderful and everything that I could ask for in a reproductive endocrinologist. She has fantastic beside manner, is kind, empathetic, and explains everything in plain English. She is the best!
That experience taught me that if I had gone blindly with the other specialist...who knows where I would be. I know at the very least, I'd be a little disappointed in my care!
This journey is HARD. You must advocate for yourself. Ask questions. Find support.
When you're looking at spending thousands of dollars (with and without insurance!), you shouldn't have to just go to "anyone". If you have the ability to choose your doctor, do so. Even if it means you have to interview multiple specialists. You should feel 100% comfortable with your doctor!
Some facts about infertility, from Resolve.org
Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive for 12 months or to carry a pregnancy through a live birth
- 1 in 8 couples go through infertility. Yes, that means someone you know is currently going through it whether they are open about it or not.
- 1/3 of the diagnosis have to do with problems with the female, 1/3 is male and 1/3 are both
- Only 15 states have an insurance mandate to offer some form of insurance
Now onto the #StartAsking theme: What questions can you start asking?
- Ask your doctor about tests, diagnosis, medical procedures, and options
- Ask yourself what natural steps you can take to increase your fertility
- Ask your spouse where they stand on medical intervention, adoption, etc
- Ask your friends and family to support and pray for you
- Ask your insurance what coverage you have
- Ask your employer for better coverage for infertility
- Ask your spouse how they are doing
- Ask your friends who are going through infertility how they are doing
- Ask your church to acknowledge infertility
- Ask your congressmen for better coverage for infertility.
#StartAsking the Media
I wish that the media would talk about infertility more often.
The topic is hinted at every now and then, but it's never really a focus of news reports, television shows, or movies.
Every now and then, there will be a brave celebrity who brings up the topic. If we're being totally honest, the celebrity experience with infertility is far removed from the average woman's experience.
Why do I think that?
Often, celebrities have the means and resources to achieve motherhood. IVF - in vitro fertilization - is a common treatment and procedure for infertility patients. It's also one of the most expensive. Many states do not mandate infertility coverage. (Some mandate that it's offered, but not necessarily covered.) As a result, many women cannot pursue this type of treatment because of the financial aspect.
IVF costs thousands and well into the tens of thousands of dollars. That goes for when it's paid out of pocket and even with insurance "coverage." Insurance coverage doesn't guarantee that you're covered for everything. Often, coverage includes only the procedures and not all the prescription medications needed.
What baffles my mind is how easily someone can terminate a pregnancy, and yet for those who are trying to achieve pregnancy, the road can be long and difficult.
I think that rather than fight over abortion rights and all the politics that surround that, more energy should be focused on helping those who want to start their families. It's insane how expensive fertility cost are. It seems that it's the lucky few who either live in a fertility-covered state or happen to have awesome insurance that have access.
I know ladies from my virtual support groups who live all over the country and each one of them has a different experience. Some have great access and coverage, others have none and must pay out of pocket 100%.
I don't think anyone who wants to start a family envisions having to spend upwards of $25,000+ to make it happen.
They find out about it as they get further into their journey. Usually unexpectedly.
I find that the media covers infertility as it relates to extreme and sensational cases - remember the "Octomom" and recently a woman whose mom was her gestational carrier.
Considering that infertility is so common, you'd think that it would hit the media more often.
The most comforting thing for me reading about other cases. Knowing that I am not the only one experiencing this road to a family. My favorite is reading about the success stories of women who have similar conditions and their eventual ability to overcome them.
Thankfully, there is an amazing online infertility blogging community.
Here are some Infertility blogs I recommend, that merely scrapes the surface of bloggers:
Time to #StartAsking
I never imagined that my life would be led down this path. I never thought that infertility would be part of my story.
The experience is both heart wrenching and amazing at the same time.
Infertility sucks. Plain and simple. You want one thing more than anything in the world and yet it's the one thing you can't have. Or it's a lot more complicated and involved to make it happen. You see everyone else around you get what you want. Pregnancy announcements. Baby showers. Pregnancy symptom complaints.
You think to yourself, "I'd give anything to be able to complain about that."
And on the other hand, it's also amazing. Why? The community that I have found through this journey has been awesome. A tribe of ladies who are in the trenches with you. Some with more serious cases of infertility, some with milder cases, some who are in the thick of IVF and on the road ahead of you, and some who are just getting started.
I have to ask though, why is the support mostly virtual?
I've been extremely lucky to get involved in two in-person support groups locally. However, before I discovered those resources, most of the support I could find was online.
So few people talk about infertility. I get it. It's a very personal topic. Society has made it almost taboo. I know that in my own life, I struggle to open up about it. I don't want to be considered "less than" or "not enough". While that's merely a story that I tell myself, I know that it's what so many women tell themselves.
"Why can't I fulfill this desire?"
"What's wrong with me?
"Why is SHE able and I am not?" - I know this is a question I've asked myself so much.
It feels like a matter of our self-worth.
I know it does for me.
While I also know that all these external things - career, motherhood, wife - don't define my self-worth, motherhood feels like it does. My current inability to become a mother makes me feel less than whole.
April 24-30, 2016 is National Infertility Awareness Week, where we have the opportunity to bring more light to this very common condition.
Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples, meaning that you probably know someone who is going through infertility, whether they share their struggle openly or not.
A common practice that I see in the infertility community is sharing your story with others going through infertility, and then once you cross over to "the other side" -- a successful pregnancy, your story can be shared.
But I would argue that our stories should be shared as we walk through it, where we are currently in the process, and not waiting until we find success.
This doesn't mean you have to spill your guts to the Internet or make a public service announcement on Facebook.
It may look like sharing your journey with a close friend or family member. It may look like joining a support group where you can share your struggles with others who are on a similar path. It may look like having monthly check-ins with a friend.
There's one common thing that we all need, especially if you're going through infertility: it's SUPPORT.
I know when we found out that starting our family was going to take a little more work and effort than others, I felt so isolated and alone. It wasn't until I was able to connect with other women who shared their stories both online and off that I realized that infertility is a quite common, though of course undesired, condition.
Having support through this journey is a huge help. Knowing that there are other couples who are coping with similar things reminds you that you are not alone. Being able to talk about topics that only other people who have been through or are currently going through infertility is so important for our sanity. People who get it.
What can our friends and family who have not experienced infertility but would like to be supportive do?
- Be there to listen.
- Ask how you can help and be supportive.
- Show that you care, even though you may not fully understand.
- Check in occasionally, especially if you know that there are some procedures or tests coming up.
- Offer to drive or come with us to appointments if you feel led in that direction.
- Please refrain from suggesting techniques, old wives' remedies, and superstitions that may help getting pregnant. We've heard most of them, and have probably given them a go.
- Understand if we hesitate to RSVP to your baby showers, kids birthday parties, or other baby-centric events. It's not because we don't love you and them, it's because the emotional toll is too much. We'll be happy to send a gift. Please understand, it's not you, it's us.
- If you're currently pregnant, please try not to complain about your pregnancy symptoms in front of us. We'd give anything to be suffering through morning sickness and food aversions. We understand your discomfort, but we're the wrong people to complain to.
For more information about infertility, support groups, and how to get involved, visit Resolve.org
Today would have been our due date...
I remember when we saw that positive pregnancy test. We were overjoyed. It was probably the happiest moment I can remember since we started trying to conceive. And of course, one of the first things I did was enter my information into a pregnancy due date calculator to see when our bundle of joy would be expected to make an appearance.
April 11. 2016.
Today's date.
It struck me that it was also the date of my grandfather's death anniversary. Twenty three years ago he passed away. I saw it as almost a "sign" that this was meant to be. Kind of like a passing of a torch or something metaphorical I thought up to assign significance to the date.
The days and months following the news that the miscarriage were altered significantly. But it happened in a super subtle way. I felt like the spark and drive that I normally possess dissipated. My motivation evaporated. Things that normally felt easy just felt hard. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted and longed for the one thing I couldn't have.
I think that I didn't really process my grief. I did...but I didn't. Because it happened so early, part of me felt like I wasn't attached, but that was a lie I was telling myself. I now understand the gravity of a positive pregnancy test and that first ultrasound... As soon as I saw that plus sign, I became a mother. My heart doubled in size to carry this new life.
And then it was ripped away.
I went on the for the next few months and I was okay. The memory of the miscarriage tucked away. It would surface when I went to my support group and would tell my story. It would surface when I thought about last summer's extreme highs and deep lows. But I carried on. I tried to focus on other things.
April rolled around. I don't even know how we're already four months into 2016, but we are. I thought about it this weekend. I thought about how things would be different if I didn't have a miscarriage. How this past weekend, I'd either be waiting for labor, in the hospital, or with a new family member that I had prayed for so long.
That wasn't the case. The day came and went. And our arms are empty.
While I didn't spend the day moping around or crying into my pillow, I still thought about the significance that today's date had. What could of been. I know that there's no going back in reverse and the only way to move is forward, but it's definitely something that crosses your mind.
At what point are we at now? Waiting for my cycle to start...again.
I think I've become a professional waiter...as in I'm really good at waiting.
April 11. 2016.
Today's date.
It struck me that it was also the date of my grandfather's death anniversary. Twenty three years ago he passed away. I saw it as almost a "sign" that this was meant to be. Kind of like a passing of a torch or something metaphorical I thought up to assign significance to the date.
The days and months following the news that the miscarriage were altered significantly. But it happened in a super subtle way. I felt like the spark and drive that I normally possess dissipated. My motivation evaporated. Things that normally felt easy just felt hard. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted and longed for the one thing I couldn't have.
I think that I didn't really process my grief. I did...but I didn't. Because it happened so early, part of me felt like I wasn't attached, but that was a lie I was telling myself. I now understand the gravity of a positive pregnancy test and that first ultrasound... As soon as I saw that plus sign, I became a mother. My heart doubled in size to carry this new life.
And then it was ripped away.
I went on the for the next few months and I was okay. The memory of the miscarriage tucked away. It would surface when I went to my support group and would tell my story. It would surface when I thought about last summer's extreme highs and deep lows. But I carried on. I tried to focus on other things.
April rolled around. I don't even know how we're already four months into 2016, but we are. I thought about it this weekend. I thought about how things would be different if I didn't have a miscarriage. How this past weekend, I'd either be waiting for labor, in the hospital, or with a new family member that I had prayed for so long.
That wasn't the case. The day came and went. And our arms are empty.
While I didn't spend the day moping around or crying into my pillow, I still thought about the significance that today's date had. What could of been. I know that there's no going back in reverse and the only way to move is forward, but it's definitely something that crosses your mind.
At what point are we at now? Waiting for my cycle to start...again.
I think I've become a professional waiter...as in I'm really good at waiting.
Tired of Failing
My cycle started last Wednesday.
And I took it harder than I expected.
My RE's office told me that I could take an HPT on Monday 2/8, but me, being ever the pragmatist, waited. I knew I should wait a few extra days, instead of "wasting" an HPT on a negative result. I think I need to get some of those cheap tests off Amazon.
According to my period tracking app, Glow, it said that my period was due on Wednesday 2/10. That morning, I had no signs of it starting. I don't generally experience very many PMS symptoms (I know, I'm lucky), and there were no physical signs. Throughout the day, there was some light spotting, and of course I tried to tell myself that it was implantation spotting...anything but my period starting.
By that evening, it started. And I was mad. I was sad. I was disappointed. I was frustrated.
I keep going back to thinking about how pregnancy is totally not an accident...it truly is a miracle. I know there are women out who blink and get pregnant, but for the rest of us, we pray, we plead, we beg...
So instead of calling my RE's office to report a positive HPT on Thursday, I got to call them to report a new cycle. We talked about getting a little more aggressive in treatment since I had just completed two cycles of Letrozole. One without a trigger shot and one with. They brought me in for a baseline ultrasound that next day and taught me how to inject myself with Follistim.
My doctor prescribed two days of Follistim alongside of taking Letrozole. I go in for a follow up sonogram on Wednesday to see if we can trigger and do an IUI.
I think the hardest part of this journey is that every month you feel like you're putting all your eggs in one basket (no pun with "eggs" intended) and hold on to hope that this will be it.
One the one hand, you don't want to lose hope. On the other, it's exhausting and frustrating and disappointing when you don't get your desired result. I know that I have to remain confident in the path that we are taking and to NOT compare my journey with anyone else. I will just get upset if I think about all the "OOPS" babies that have been conceived and may be terminated. Knowing what a freakin' miracle conception is, I don't take it for granted for one second.
And I took it harder than I expected.
My RE's office told me that I could take an HPT on Monday 2/8, but me, being ever the pragmatist, waited. I knew I should wait a few extra days, instead of "wasting" an HPT on a negative result. I think I need to get some of those cheap tests off Amazon.
According to my period tracking app, Glow, it said that my period was due on Wednesday 2/10. That morning, I had no signs of it starting. I don't generally experience very many PMS symptoms (I know, I'm lucky), and there were no physical signs. Throughout the day, there was some light spotting, and of course I tried to tell myself that it was implantation spotting...anything but my period starting.
By that evening, it started. And I was mad. I was sad. I was disappointed. I was frustrated.
I keep going back to thinking about how pregnancy is totally not an accident...it truly is a miracle. I know there are women out who blink and get pregnant, but for the rest of us, we pray, we plead, we beg...
So instead of calling my RE's office to report a positive HPT on Thursday, I got to call them to report a new cycle. We talked about getting a little more aggressive in treatment since I had just completed two cycles of Letrozole. One without a trigger shot and one with. They brought me in for a baseline ultrasound that next day and taught me how to inject myself with Follistim.
My doctor prescribed two days of Follistim alongside of taking Letrozole. I go in for a follow up sonogram on Wednesday to see if we can trigger and do an IUI.
I think the hardest part of this journey is that every month you feel like you're putting all your eggs in one basket (no pun with "eggs" intended) and hold on to hope that this will be it.
One the one hand, you don't want to lose hope. On the other, it's exhausting and frustrating and disappointing when you don't get your desired result. I know that I have to remain confident in the path that we are taking and to NOT compare my journey with anyone else. I will just get upset if I think about all the "OOPS" babies that have been conceived and may be terminated. Knowing what a freakin' miracle conception is, I don't take it for granted for one second.
Starting Again
I never expected that we'd have to wait so long to get started trying again after the miscarriage. Now, having experienced one, I know so much more and have so much more empathy for all the women who have had one or multiple miscarriages.
Any miscarriage is heartbreaking.
I think it's because you have that glimmer of hope. If you had a positive pregnancy test, there's a special kind of exhilaration you experience when you've been trying for years for this one thing to finally happen.
And then it's all taken away.
In addition to the emotional toll that it takes, there's also a physical toll.
I experienced our miscarriage in September 2015.
My RE then told me to wait until my next two regular cycles.
My first cycle post-miscarriage was the heaviest, longest period I've ever experienced. It felt like a mini-miscarriage minus the cramps.
My second cycle post-miscarriage was still on the heavier than normal side (for me), but a lot more normal than that first cycle post-miscarriage.
So that brought us to November, at which point, my RE had us come in for the remainder of the testing that we never had done when we first met with her because I had a positive pregnancy test...all kinds of crazy.
I had a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and a hysteroscopy.
The hysterosalpingogram is where they set you up underneath an x-ray machine, inject dye to see if your fallopian tubes are clear. For me, the experience was mostly painless - there was some pressure from injecting the dye, but my doctor talked me through it as she completed the procedure. I felt some cramping, but nothing major, and nothing in comparison to the miscarriage. I have heard from other women, however, who have said that when they had the HSG done, it was a very painful experience. I think it really depends on you, your doctor, and your pain threshold.
As far as the hysteroscopy, you're lying down on a exam table, and the doctor will insert a scope with a small/tiny camera to check out your insides. It takes all of about 2-3 minutes and it's similar pressure and I'd say less painful than the HSG. My doctor did find evidence of a polyp on the back wall of my uterus as well as the site of where implantation had occurred. They call it "products of conception."
Because of the polyp, my RE recommended to have it removed as she suspected that it could have contributed to the cause of the miscarriage. We'll never fully know, but for me, it makes me feel a little better knowing there was some kind of "reason" for it happening.
In December, at the start of my next cycle, I had the surgery. It was a hysteroscopic polypectomy, which is a fancy way of saying that the polyp was removed with a hysteroscope. Thankfully that meant that no incisions were made on me. I was put under general anesthesia for the first time ever, and while I was a little apprehensive about it, it was the best sleep that I can remember.
For me, the surgery was easy. I had surgery on Friday, napped most of Friday afternoon, and felt pretty back to normal by Saturday afternoon. I had to take a week off of exercise/activity until my post-op appointment, but otherwise, everything was back to normal.
So that brings us back to now. At my post-op appointment, my RE told me that the surgery was a success and that she removed the polyp and "products of conception". She asked me what we wanted to do and if we were ready to try again. I said that we were ready. I went in for a baseline ultrasound right before Christmas and started Letrozole. I had a Day 11 ultrasound and it looked like I had already ovulated. They drew blood for a progesterone test, and later that day confirmed that ovulation had occurred. At that point we just had to wait to see what the two week wait might present.
Two days before I expected my period, and on the day that the RE's nurse had told me I could take a HPT, my cycle started.
Sometimes I just want to tell my body to stop being so rude.
So I called my RE's office to let them know that my cycle started again, and I went back in for a baseline ultrasound this past Monday on Day 4. I started Letrozole on Day 4, and I'll go in for a follow up ultrasound on Day 8 - a few days earlier than typical with the hope that we don't miss the ovulation window...because the plan is to trigger ovulation with Ovidrel.
It was weird that I ovulated so early last cycle, but after asking in my support groups, it sounds like other ladies who also took Letrozole experienced some early ovulation as well.
So we'll see what happens this cycle.
Where are we now
After the miscarriage happened, I had to take a step back and just allow myself to feel all the feelings. Once the physical part of the process had passed, a lot of my grief and frustration felt like it passed as well. I think I was most sad, and felt the most feelings, between finding out and going through the miscarriage.
It was kind of weird. I guess grieving is such a personal process, that there is no "right" way of doing it.
But I'll be honest, I felt a little guilty that I wasn't more sad. Is that weird? Once it had all passed, it was therapeutic (albeit the worst physical thing I've gone through so far in life). I felt guilty that I "got over it" so quickly. Perhaps it was because it was only at 5 weeks. We didn't know the gender or pick a name....
I had to wait until my next cycle started before doing anything else. I also had to go into my doctor's office for a blood draw to check my hCG levels. I did that bi-weekly until I got down to zero. However, the last blood draw I had, the level was still only at 1.3... the hCG just lingered in my system. It went from like 1400, to 300, to 4, to 1.3....
Also, what I wish I could have known before the start of my first cycle post-miscarriage, is that your period can be SUPER HEAVY. Like SUPER HEAVY. I know this probably doesn't happen to everyone, but just know that it's a possibility. Honestly, it was kind of like the flow I experienced in my miscarriage, but drawn out over 7 days. And clots. LOTS of clots. (Sorry for the TMI) But I would have wanted to know.
My doctor's office told me to wait until my next cycle before coming in again.
All the waiting. So much waiting. But I guess that's just what is required in this journey. Waiting.
It was kind of weird. I guess grieving is such a personal process, that there is no "right" way of doing it.
But I'll be honest, I felt a little guilty that I wasn't more sad. Is that weird? Once it had all passed, it was therapeutic (albeit the worst physical thing I've gone through so far in life). I felt guilty that I "got over it" so quickly. Perhaps it was because it was only at 5 weeks. We didn't know the gender or pick a name....
I had to wait until my next cycle started before doing anything else. I also had to go into my doctor's office for a blood draw to check my hCG levels. I did that bi-weekly until I got down to zero. However, the last blood draw I had, the level was still only at 1.3... the hCG just lingered in my system. It went from like 1400, to 300, to 4, to 1.3....
Also, what I wish I could have known before the start of my first cycle post-miscarriage, is that your period can be SUPER HEAVY. Like SUPER HEAVY. I know this probably doesn't happen to everyone, but just know that it's a possibility. Honestly, it was kind of like the flow I experienced in my miscarriage, but drawn out over 7 days. And clots. LOTS of clots. (Sorry for the TMI) But I would have wanted to know.
My doctor's office told me to wait until my next cycle before coming in again.
All the waiting. So much waiting. But I guess that's just what is required in this journey. Waiting.
My Experience with Misoprostol for Miscarriage
We found out the news about two weeks ago. Our baby had stopped growing at 5 weeks 5 days. We never found or saw the heart beat. My doctor allowed me to see if it would pass naturally and if in a week nothing had happened, she would give me a choice. A medicinally-managed miscarriage or a D&C. Not a decision that anyone should ever have to make.
A week went by and my doctor's office gave me a call to check on me. During that week nothing had happened yet, so they presented me with the options.
I opted to go with the less invasive version. While I don't know much about D&C's, I just didn't feel like it was the right option for me. As much I wanted to just wait it out for a natural miscarriage, I knew that the stress from waiting was only going to make me more stressed. So, I chose the medicine to induce it.
This is an account of my experience using Misoprostol/Cytotec to miscarry. Please note this is my own experience. Growth stopped at 5 days 5 weeks and this week would have been the 9th week.
It's about to get real. If things make you queasy, this is your warning to turn back now.
----------------------------------------------
I went to pick up the prescription for Misoprostol as well as the painkiller Tylenol #3 (with codeine) for pain management.
I was pretty nervous about it. The nurse had told me that I would be receiving two doses. I would take one dose at bedtime and if nothing happened, I would repeat the dose the following evening.
And of course, what do you do when you're about to take medication that you've never taken before and the nurses can't predict what your personal reaction will be? You take to the internet, of course! I'm really thankful for the couple of personal accounts I found of other women who chose to take Misoprostol to miscarry. It made me feel less alone, more prepared, and at least have some idea of what was going to happen.
I was instructed to insert four misoprostol tablets vaginally before bed. I was also given the option to take two Tylenol with codeine for pain management - I opted to take them.
I consider myself pretty lucky that I rarely ever get menstrual cramps before or during my regular periods. That being said, I was nervous about what was going to happen.
12:00AM - At about midnight on Saturday night, I took the two Tylenol #3 and then inserted the four (total 800mg) Misoprostol tablets. I also set myself up with a pad just in case bleeding started in bed. I also laid out a towel on the bed under me. I got into bed and we watched a couple episodes of The League on Netflix. I didn't feel anything quite yet.
1:05AM - I started to feel slight cramping, but nothing too bad. I got up to go to the bathroom, and nothing yet on that front.
3:30AM - The cramps were getting stronger and starting to feel uncomfortable. I got up again to use the bathroom and there was some spotting. I figured that was a good sign.
5:25AM - The cramps continued, I tossed and turned, and then when I turned over one more I time, I felt the feeling like when your period starts. I got up to go to the bathroom and whoa...there was a lot of blood.
5:55AM - More cramps, more feeling of bleeding, get up again. More blood.
6:15AM - Get up again. Cramps feel worse. I go take one tablet of Tylenol #3 since 6 hours had passed. Try to get comfortable in bed.
6:30AM - Get up again, go to the bathroom. Still passing clots, pass what looks like could be the embryo (grey material with the clot).
6:50AM - Get up again. When I lay back down, the cramps are feeling unbearable. Can't get comfortable.
7:05AM - Get up again, this time I leaned at the foot of the bed face down, hoping that position would be more comfortable and bearable. When that wasn't working, I got up again and wandered around the bedroom, hoping to get things going.
7:10AM - Then I suddenly felt a clot or large amount of blood coming, and before I could sit down, SPLAT, looked like a toned down scene from Dexter. I passed a large clot, perhaps the sac.
7:15AM - After that last bathroom run, I feel much better and can finally get comfortable in bed.
7:45AM - Get up again, pass more clots, but the volume of blood is significantly less from earlier.
7:50AM-10:15AM - I'm able to sleep for the most part comfortably.
In about two hours time, I went through five pads, that were FULL and soaked.
The cramps finally subsided completely by about 12:00PM, so a full 12 hours after inserting the Misoprostol.
Now, my nurse had told me that if nothing happened from the first dose that I could do a second dose the following day. Since I felt like all my insides passed, I wanted to know if I needed to take the second dose or if just taking the one was okay.
I called my doctor's service and well, I have to take the second dose. I'm sure that just to shake out whatever is still left...though I feel like there's not much of anything! (Gotta keep a good sense of humor when dealing with gross things).
I'm really hoping that round two is less intense than round one. I'm hoping that since I've passed most, if not all the tissue, that the bleeding is a lot less and the cramping is hopefully not as severe. But who knows?!
In spite of the pain, I'm still glad that I chose the medicinal option over the D&C. Even with outpatient surgery, that still kind of freaks me out because I do know they have to put you under in some capacity.
Have you ever taken Misoprostol/Cytotec for miscarriage? What was your experience like?
Updated after second dose of Misoprostol:
The second dose of Misoprostol wasn't bad at all. I experienced the slightest cramping, but nothing in comparison to the night before. I was able to sleep through the night.
The thing they don't tell you (or at least doesn't seem too important) is that after you have bled out what feels like half your body volume in blood (okay, being dramatic), you continue to bleed for days after the event. It's kind of like having a normal period. And just when you think that you're done bleeding, things have reduced to spotting, you get a random bit of blood here and there. Like heaving spotting. It's annoying more than anything given the circumstances.
It'll depend on how your doctor's protocol works, but if you're instructed to take it at night, here are my recommendations.
A week went by and my doctor's office gave me a call to check on me. During that week nothing had happened yet, so they presented me with the options.
I opted to go with the less invasive version. While I don't know much about D&C's, I just didn't feel like it was the right option for me. As much I wanted to just wait it out for a natural miscarriage, I knew that the stress from waiting was only going to make me more stressed. So, I chose the medicine to induce it.
This is an account of my experience using Misoprostol/Cytotec to miscarry. Please note this is my own experience. Growth stopped at 5 days 5 weeks and this week would have been the 9th week.
It's about to get real. If things make you queasy, this is your warning to turn back now.
----------------------------------------------
I went to pick up the prescription for Misoprostol as well as the painkiller Tylenol #3 (with codeine) for pain management.
I was pretty nervous about it. The nurse had told me that I would be receiving two doses. I would take one dose at bedtime and if nothing happened, I would repeat the dose the following evening.
And of course, what do you do when you're about to take medication that you've never taken before and the nurses can't predict what your personal reaction will be? You take to the internet, of course! I'm really thankful for the couple of personal accounts I found of other women who chose to take Misoprostol to miscarry. It made me feel less alone, more prepared, and at least have some idea of what was going to happen.
I was instructed to insert four misoprostol tablets vaginally before bed. I was also given the option to take two Tylenol with codeine for pain management - I opted to take them.
I consider myself pretty lucky that I rarely ever get menstrual cramps before or during my regular periods. That being said, I was nervous about what was going to happen.
12:00AM - At about midnight on Saturday night, I took the two Tylenol #3 and then inserted the four (total 800mg) Misoprostol tablets. I also set myself up with a pad just in case bleeding started in bed. I also laid out a towel on the bed under me. I got into bed and we watched a couple episodes of The League on Netflix. I didn't feel anything quite yet.
1:05AM - I started to feel slight cramping, but nothing too bad. I got up to go to the bathroom, and nothing yet on that front.
3:30AM - The cramps were getting stronger and starting to feel uncomfortable. I got up again to use the bathroom and there was some spotting. I figured that was a good sign.
5:25AM - The cramps continued, I tossed and turned, and then when I turned over one more I time, I felt the feeling like when your period starts. I got up to go to the bathroom and whoa...there was a lot of blood.
5:55AM - More cramps, more feeling of bleeding, get up again. More blood.
6:15AM - Get up again. Cramps feel worse. I go take one tablet of Tylenol #3 since 6 hours had passed. Try to get comfortable in bed.
6:30AM - Get up again, go to the bathroom. Still passing clots, pass what looks like could be the embryo (grey material with the clot).
6:50AM - Get up again. When I lay back down, the cramps are feeling unbearable. Can't get comfortable.
7:05AM - Get up again, this time I leaned at the foot of the bed face down, hoping that position would be more comfortable and bearable. When that wasn't working, I got up again and wandered around the bedroom, hoping to get things going.
7:10AM - Then I suddenly felt a clot or large amount of blood coming, and before I could sit down, SPLAT, looked like a toned down scene from Dexter. I passed a large clot, perhaps the sac.
7:15AM - After that last bathroom run, I feel much better and can finally get comfortable in bed.
7:45AM - Get up again, pass more clots, but the volume of blood is significantly less from earlier.
7:50AM-10:15AM - I'm able to sleep for the most part comfortably.
In about two hours time, I went through five pads, that were FULL and soaked.
The cramps finally subsided completely by about 12:00PM, so a full 12 hours after inserting the Misoprostol.
Now, my nurse had told me that if nothing happened from the first dose that I could do a second dose the following day. Since I felt like all my insides passed, I wanted to know if I needed to take the second dose or if just taking the one was okay.
I called my doctor's service and well, I have to take the second dose. I'm sure that just to shake out whatever is still left...though I feel like there's not much of anything! (Gotta keep a good sense of humor when dealing with gross things).
I'm really hoping that round two is less intense than round one. I'm hoping that since I've passed most, if not all the tissue, that the bleeding is a lot less and the cramping is hopefully not as severe. But who knows?!
In spite of the pain, I'm still glad that I chose the medicinal option over the D&C. Even with outpatient surgery, that still kind of freaks me out because I do know they have to put you under in some capacity.
Have you ever taken Misoprostol/Cytotec for miscarriage? What was your experience like?
Updated after second dose of Misoprostol:
The second dose of Misoprostol wasn't bad at all. I experienced the slightest cramping, but nothing in comparison to the night before. I was able to sleep through the night.
The thing they don't tell you (or at least doesn't seem too important) is that after you have bled out what feels like half your body volume in blood (okay, being dramatic), you continue to bleed for days after the event. It's kind of like having a normal period. And just when you think that you're done bleeding, things have reduced to spotting, you get a random bit of blood here and there. Like heaving spotting. It's annoying more than anything given the circumstances.
How to prepare to take Misoprostol:
It'll depend on how your doctor's protocol works, but if you're instructed to take it at night, here are my recommendations.
- Eat a good dinner, but nothing that might upset your stomach.
- Stock up on pads. Considering the amount of blood that gushes, tampons are not recommended.
- Lay out a towel on your bed, just in case.
- Keep a glass or bottle of water accessible.
- Wear whatever makes you feel most comfortable, and easy when you need to run to the bathroom.
- A heating pad - I did not use one, but I have heard that this can help with the cramps.
- Decent toilet paper. Like, you don't want the thick, fancy stuff clogging up your toilet, but you also don't want 1-ply because you'll be bunching that stuff up like crazy anyway. A good, middle of the line toilet paper will do.
- Netflix or other distraction - if you can't sleep, I'd recommend finding a distraction - Netflix is always a great option...watch something funny.
When being right is the worst thing ever
I've been trying to process how to even write this.
Attempting to collect my feelings and thoughts and emotions into a coherent paragraph.
Tuesday, we had our follow up sonogram after last Thursday's sonogram. Last week, we were told that there had been no progress since the previous week. Basically, the sonogram was looking about the same, where there should have been growth.
On the bright side there were only five days between our appointments instead of the full seven. It felt like several long days of being in limbo. Not knowing the outcome. Not knowing what lay ahead. Only knowing that it could either be really good, or really bad.
We went in for our appointment and our RE did the ultrasound herself. And in just a few minutes, our futures were permanently altered. Decided. Changed. And not in the result that we were so fervently praying for.
I'm going to have a miscarriage.
Those words just feel ominous and haunting.
We opted to let things progress naturally, and then next week if nothing has happened, we'll talk about medication or a procedure.
I guess I feel like I was slightly prepared for this prognosis because of last week's appointment. But I don't think that you're ever fully prepared to know that the life that was once inside you is no longer. There's a much more crass way I could put that, but I won't.
It's so crazy how you can go from pure, amazing, overwhelming joy, to utter, complete devastation...in a matter of weeks, a matter of minutes, a matter of seconds. The little world I had cautiously constructed, from baby blogs and registry lists, pregnancy apps and countdown calendars...shattered, obliterated, all came crashing down.
Perhaps the hardest part for me has not been accepting the facts. The hardest part has been the idea of having to tell family of what happened. We didn't tell a lot of people that we were expecting. We only told our immediate family. But still, having to tell them that our exciting news turned to tragedy just breaks my heart into a million pieces.
Maybe it's the disappointment? Maybe I feel like I'm disappointing them? I'm mad and sad and disappointed in myself. I feel like I should blame myself. I know that I shouldn't. I know the facts. I know that about 20-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriages - with most of them happening before the parents realize that they were even pregnant.
The thing that I didn't expect throughout all of this was the immediate bond I felt with the little life that was developing inside of me. Previous to my own personal experience, I didn't really understand why or how a miscarriage under 12 weeks was a big deal. I know how insensitive that sounds. But I didn't get it.
Now I get it. It was like the moment that we saw that pregnancy test, that we heard our beta numbers, that we were "for real" pregnant....that I was forever bonded with the little nugget. That little life was real.
I have such an appreciation for what a miracle life is.
So many people take it for granted. Dumb teenagers get knocked up "by accident". Irresponsible one-night stands result in two pink lines. Unplanned pregnancies. Surprise babies.
I feel like when you are in the trenches of infertility, you learn to appreciate that making a baby is a freakin' miracle. It's not an accident. It takes work. Sometimes it takes tests, medications, procedures, and lots of prayers.
Honestly, I was so excited about our positive pregnancy test. But part of me felt slightly guilty that we got pregnant naturally when so many others have such a hard time. My fears got me too. I was afraid of having a miscarriage, of something going wrong, of it all not being real.
But now it's just too real.
And since I haven't physically miscarried yet, I just feel like I'm in between again. Not pregnant, but not empty...if that makes sense. I understand better why some women opt for medication and/or the procedure right away.
I have no idea how long this grief is going to last. I have no idea when we will get pregnant again. But I have faith that there is a plan for us, that we're ultimately not in control, and we just have to trust that it'll happen in the right time. That's the last thing that I want to hear, but I know that it's the thing that I need to hear.
Have you ever been through this?
Attempting to collect my feelings and thoughts and emotions into a coherent paragraph.
Tuesday, we had our follow up sonogram after last Thursday's sonogram. Last week, we were told that there had been no progress since the previous week. Basically, the sonogram was looking about the same, where there should have been growth.
On the bright side there were only five days between our appointments instead of the full seven. It felt like several long days of being in limbo. Not knowing the outcome. Not knowing what lay ahead. Only knowing that it could either be really good, or really bad.
We went in for our appointment and our RE did the ultrasound herself. And in just a few minutes, our futures were permanently altered. Decided. Changed. And not in the result that we were so fervently praying for.
I'm going to have a miscarriage.
Those words just feel ominous and haunting.
We opted to let things progress naturally, and then next week if nothing has happened, we'll talk about medication or a procedure.
I guess I feel like I was slightly prepared for this prognosis because of last week's appointment. But I don't think that you're ever fully prepared to know that the life that was once inside you is no longer. There's a much more crass way I could put that, but I won't.
It's so crazy how you can go from pure, amazing, overwhelming joy, to utter, complete devastation...in a matter of weeks, a matter of minutes, a matter of seconds. The little world I had cautiously constructed, from baby blogs and registry lists, pregnancy apps and countdown calendars...shattered, obliterated, all came crashing down.
Perhaps the hardest part for me has not been accepting the facts. The hardest part has been the idea of having to tell family of what happened. We didn't tell a lot of people that we were expecting. We only told our immediate family. But still, having to tell them that our exciting news turned to tragedy just breaks my heart into a million pieces.
Maybe it's the disappointment? Maybe I feel like I'm disappointing them? I'm mad and sad and disappointed in myself. I feel like I should blame myself. I know that I shouldn't. I know the facts. I know that about 20-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriages - with most of them happening before the parents realize that they were even pregnant.
The thing that I didn't expect throughout all of this was the immediate bond I felt with the little life that was developing inside of me. Previous to my own personal experience, I didn't really understand why or how a miscarriage under 12 weeks was a big deal. I know how insensitive that sounds. But I didn't get it.
Now I get it. It was like the moment that we saw that pregnancy test, that we heard our beta numbers, that we were "for real" pregnant....that I was forever bonded with the little nugget. That little life was real.
I have such an appreciation for what a miracle life is.
So many people take it for granted. Dumb teenagers get knocked up "by accident". Irresponsible one-night stands result in two pink lines. Unplanned pregnancies. Surprise babies.
I feel like when you are in the trenches of infertility, you learn to appreciate that making a baby is a freakin' miracle. It's not an accident. It takes work. Sometimes it takes tests, medications, procedures, and lots of prayers.
Honestly, I was so excited about our positive pregnancy test. But part of me felt slightly guilty that we got pregnant naturally when so many others have such a hard time. My fears got me too. I was afraid of having a miscarriage, of something going wrong, of it all not being real.
But now it's just too real.
And since I haven't physically miscarried yet, I just feel like I'm in between again. Not pregnant, but not empty...if that makes sense. I understand better why some women opt for medication and/or the procedure right away.
I have no idea how long this grief is going to last. I have no idea when we will get pregnant again. But I have faith that there is a plan for us, that we're ultimately not in control, and we just have to trust that it'll happen in the right time. That's the last thing that I want to hear, but I know that it's the thing that I need to hear.
Have you ever been through this?
The thing you worry about...
Last week, we went in for our first ultrasound. Based on my LMP, the reproductive endocrinologist and ultrasound tech had estimated me to be at about 7 weeks. However, when they did the ultrasound, the fetus was measuring more at 6 weeks. This didn't surprise me because that was the estimate I was going off of based on my irregular cycles. I know that I don't ovulate right at 14 days, it could have been anywhere between day 16-20 really. The RE asked us to come back in a week to do another scan to see how it progresses.
It felt like the longest week of my life, but I tried my best to stay calm, occupied, and free of worry. I didn't want to worry about something that was just in my head. But when it's your first pregnancy you just don't know what to feel or to expect.
I have been having the classic pregnancy symptoms for about two and a half weeks. Sore breasts, frequent urination, some fatigue, and a little morning sickness - mostly just feeling queasy. Even though I wasn't feeling awesome, I figured that having symptoms was a good sign.
We nicknamed the baby "The Nugget" and my husband would talk to my belly and tell the Nugget to keep growing. It's the cutest thing.
I prayed a lot. I did my best to concentrate on other things. I worked out. I indulged a little. I did some work. I tried to reduce any stress I was feeling. But a week is a long time.
In the back of my mind, I couldn't help but think about if something was wrong. What if the baby hadn't progressed in growth? What if I had a miscarriage?
I haven't had any spotting. I haven't had any cramps. I've been feeling pretty good, aside from some of the general symptoms. So I figured that I should just tell my worries to be quiet and wait for the appointment.
Well, our appointment was yesterday. We do the usual drill, another vaginal ultrasound. The tech does the initial scan, and while I'm not trained in reading ultrasounds, I can kind of tell that there's something not quite right. From what I can see on the screen, there doesn't appear to be much if any growth of the fetus since last week.
And I have to say that the ultrasound tech is quite nice and has good bedside manner, but when she says, "I'm just going to have the doctor come in and take a second look," and "It doesn't look like there was any growth, unfortunately," I couldn't help but see my worst fears come to light.
I mean, obviously, if there was no progress, that can't be a great thing. I was desperately hoping to see progress, to see the heartbeat flicker, to have proof that the baby growing inside me is doing well and getting bigger.
As we waited for the doctor to come in, I could only lay there and think worst case scenario. My husband grabbed my hand and we just looked at each other, not saying a word.
The doctor came in, did a second ultrasound scan, and while she could see the yolk sac/fetal pole, she said that it didn't look like the pregnancy was progress like she had hoped it would. She wanted to talk to us in her office after I got dressed.
She compared the ultrasound from this week to last weeks, and the look on her face basically said it. While she didn't rule it a pregnancy loss yet, she wants us to come in on Tuesday for a final scan to see what happens. She said that by that point we should be able to see a heartbeat, and if we can't....then we will discuss "options".
It just feels so grim.
Knowing, but also not knowing, that there's potentially a non-viable fetus inside of me.
It's the unknown that's the hardest. I feel like I have no control...and I while I know that I don't have control because all this is in God's court, still, I wish I could understand what and why this is happening. I feel like it's been an arduous journey to even get here to this point, only to have the rug pulled out from under us in a hot second.
We're in a place of wait and see.
It's crazy to me how we could go from such pure joy to devastation in a matter of seconds. While I don't know if I will have a miscarriage or not at this point, my gut tells me that we probably will. The optimistic side of my brain is grasping to the tiny shred of hope that the baby may progress at least a little bit by Tuesday.
However, I will say, that I am so thankful and grateful that we were even able to get pregnant naturally...or as the office calls it "spontaneously". Seeing that positive pregnancy test was pure joy. I was shocked and couldn't believe my eyes. I know that for many, many couples out there, this isn't even a possibility. So I am really thankful that we know that getting pregnant is a possibility for us. I'm trying to find the silver lining in between sobbing for the unknown.
Have you ever been through something like this?
It felt like the longest week of my life, but I tried my best to stay calm, occupied, and free of worry. I didn't want to worry about something that was just in my head. But when it's your first pregnancy you just don't know what to feel or to expect.
I have been having the classic pregnancy symptoms for about two and a half weeks. Sore breasts, frequent urination, some fatigue, and a little morning sickness - mostly just feeling queasy. Even though I wasn't feeling awesome, I figured that having symptoms was a good sign.
We nicknamed the baby "The Nugget" and my husband would talk to my belly and tell the Nugget to keep growing. It's the cutest thing.
I prayed a lot. I did my best to concentrate on other things. I worked out. I indulged a little. I did some work. I tried to reduce any stress I was feeling. But a week is a long time.
In the back of my mind, I couldn't help but think about if something was wrong. What if the baby hadn't progressed in growth? What if I had a miscarriage?
I haven't had any spotting. I haven't had any cramps. I've been feeling pretty good, aside from some of the general symptoms. So I figured that I should just tell my worries to be quiet and wait for the appointment.
Well, our appointment was yesterday. We do the usual drill, another vaginal ultrasound. The tech does the initial scan, and while I'm not trained in reading ultrasounds, I can kind of tell that there's something not quite right. From what I can see on the screen, there doesn't appear to be much if any growth of the fetus since last week.
And I have to say that the ultrasound tech is quite nice and has good bedside manner, but when she says, "I'm just going to have the doctor come in and take a second look," and "It doesn't look like there was any growth, unfortunately," I couldn't help but see my worst fears come to light.
I mean, obviously, if there was no progress, that can't be a great thing. I was desperately hoping to see progress, to see the heartbeat flicker, to have proof that the baby growing inside me is doing well and getting bigger.
As we waited for the doctor to come in, I could only lay there and think worst case scenario. My husband grabbed my hand and we just looked at each other, not saying a word.
The doctor came in, did a second ultrasound scan, and while she could see the yolk sac/fetal pole, she said that it didn't look like the pregnancy was progress like she had hoped it would. She wanted to talk to us in her office after I got dressed.
She compared the ultrasound from this week to last weeks, and the look on her face basically said it. While she didn't rule it a pregnancy loss yet, she wants us to come in on Tuesday for a final scan to see what happens. She said that by that point we should be able to see a heartbeat, and if we can't....then we will discuss "options".
It just feels so grim.
Knowing, but also not knowing, that there's potentially a non-viable fetus inside of me.
It's the unknown that's the hardest. I feel like I have no control...and I while I know that I don't have control because all this is in God's court, still, I wish I could understand what and why this is happening. I feel like it's been an arduous journey to even get here to this point, only to have the rug pulled out from under us in a hot second.
We're in a place of wait and see.
It's crazy to me how we could go from such pure joy to devastation in a matter of seconds. While I don't know if I will have a miscarriage or not at this point, my gut tells me that we probably will. The optimistic side of my brain is grasping to the tiny shred of hope that the baby may progress at least a little bit by Tuesday.
However, I will say, that I am so thankful and grateful that we were even able to get pregnant naturally...or as the office calls it "spontaneously". Seeing that positive pregnancy test was pure joy. I was shocked and couldn't believe my eyes. I know that for many, many couples out there, this isn't even a possibility. So I am really thankful that we know that getting pregnant is a possibility for us. I'm trying to find the silver lining in between sobbing for the unknown.
Have you ever been through something like this?
Positive
The craziest thing happened today.
We got a positive pregnancy test.
I've never had a positive pregnancy test before. I also didn't believe it when I saw the plus sign on the Clear Blue Easy test.
In fact, while I was waiting the three minutes for the test to work, and two minutes and forty seconds had passed by and there was still nothing showing up...I almost gave up. When my timer went off, however, I looked at the test and there it was.
A strong plus sign.
WHAT?
I was in shock. I didn't believe it. We've never had a positive test before. Granted, I've only ever tested twice before this...but the first is definitely amazing.
Being myself, I googled the possibilities of false positives. I read that false negatives are more common than false positives.
I took the test and brought it out to the living room where my husband was working out. I said, "So I decided to take this test and..." and I showed him the stick. He didn't believe it either. He said, "Wait...what? It's positive?"
He stopped what he was doing and gave me a big hug as we both cried happy tears.
We were lucky that it also happened to be one of the days that he worked from home. Just as I was trying to figure out what to do next after having a positive pregnancy test, I made a call to my OBGYN to schedule an appointment. About thirty minutes later, our RE's office calls because they want to run some more tests since the records they pulled from my OBGYN were out of date.
That's when I told them that I just took a pregnancy test and it was positive.
A spontaneous pregnancy.
I still can't believe it.
The RE's office told me that if I could come in before noon for a blood draw (including the tests they wanted to run) they could give me results after lunchtime. So we quickly made that appointment and got there by 10:30.
We got to the doctor's office and after a few minutes they called my name to take me back to have my blood drawn. Throughout the day I was nervous, simply because I've never had a positive pregnancy test before. They told me that following my results they might ask me to come in for a follow up beta hCG test to make sure my levels were doubling properly.
Waiting until after lunchtime felt like slow painful torture. I just wanted to know the results!
At 3:45, with their office closing at 4:30, I stopped being patient and called the office. I finally got a hold of our nurse and she told me that I was definitely and "very" pregnant with a beta hCG of 9,000 and that I did not need to come in for a follow up. They were, however, going to prescribe me the drug Prometrium to maintain and increase my progesterone levels, since it was at 18.
Oh my goodness, I couldn't even believe it. Confirmed by a blood test. We are pregnant! (I am, haha).
We told our parents and siblings over Skype and FaceTime since we couldn't just keep the news to ourselves.
We'll go back to our RE's office for our first ultrasound next week. How am I even going to keep it together to wait these next seven days?!
We got a positive pregnancy test.
I've never had a positive pregnancy test before. I also didn't believe it when I saw the plus sign on the Clear Blue Easy test.
In fact, while I was waiting the three minutes for the test to work, and two minutes and forty seconds had passed by and there was still nothing showing up...I almost gave up. When my timer went off, however, I looked at the test and there it was.
A strong plus sign.
WHAT?
I was in shock. I didn't believe it. We've never had a positive test before. Granted, I've only ever tested twice before this...but the first is definitely amazing.
Being myself, I googled the possibilities of false positives. I read that false negatives are more common than false positives.
I took the test and brought it out to the living room where my husband was working out. I said, "So I decided to take this test and..." and I showed him the stick. He didn't believe it either. He said, "Wait...what? It's positive?"
He stopped what he was doing and gave me a big hug as we both cried happy tears.
We were lucky that it also happened to be one of the days that he worked from home. Just as I was trying to figure out what to do next after having a positive pregnancy test, I made a call to my OBGYN to schedule an appointment. About thirty minutes later, our RE's office calls because they want to run some more tests since the records they pulled from my OBGYN were out of date.
That's when I told them that I just took a pregnancy test and it was positive.
A spontaneous pregnancy.
I still can't believe it.
The RE's office told me that if I could come in before noon for a blood draw (including the tests they wanted to run) they could give me results after lunchtime. So we quickly made that appointment and got there by 10:30.
We got to the doctor's office and after a few minutes they called my name to take me back to have my blood drawn. Throughout the day I was nervous, simply because I've never had a positive pregnancy test before. They told me that following my results they might ask me to come in for a follow up beta hCG test to make sure my levels were doubling properly.
Waiting until after lunchtime felt like slow painful torture. I just wanted to know the results!
At 3:45, with their office closing at 4:30, I stopped being patient and called the office. I finally got a hold of our nurse and she told me that I was definitely and "very" pregnant with a beta hCG of 9,000 and that I did not need to come in for a follow up. They were, however, going to prescribe me the drug Prometrium to maintain and increase my progesterone levels, since it was at 18.
Oh my goodness, I couldn't even believe it. Confirmed by a blood test. We are pregnant! (I am, haha).
We told our parents and siblings over Skype and FaceTime since we couldn't just keep the news to ourselves.
We'll go back to our RE's office for our first ultrasound next week. How am I even going to keep it together to wait these next seven days?!
Cycle Day 40: The Wait Continues
Oh the wait.
I suppose that if I had a normal cycle, I would have already taken a test.
But I don't. When you have PCOS, you have an irregular cycle. I've had irregular cycles most of my life (thought I didn't know it until I was in college)...although I have been having fairly regular 31-32 day cycles.
This time, however, here we are again at cycle day 40. When you have an irregular cycle, you're supposed to wait at least until you have the longest cycle you've had. For me, that's around 42-45 days.
I don't want to negotiate with God. Like, "Okay God, if this happens then this..." or something similar. I know that he has perfect timing in everything that happens, so even if I don't understand, He does.
Cycle Day 42 is on Wednesday. I think that will be the day that I test, should nothing happen between now and then.
I had 41 day cycles in January and March, so while this could be that (we'll see tomorrow), I'm also cautiously optimistic. I know that if this is our time, that it will truly have been a miracle. Seriously.
One of the things that is shaping my positive outlook is the fact that I ovulated this month - the blood test I had a week and a half ago showed that. I've also had sore boobs and frequent urination.
You better believe that I've been Googling "early pregnancy symptoms" and "when to take a pregnancy test."
And you may be wondering why I haven't gotten it over with and just taken one already.
Because my pragmatic side and my idealistic side don't jive.
It's kind of ridiculous.
I'm also naturally frugal, so I don't want to "waste" a test, which some may consider silly. However, considering that the very first pregnancy test I ever took (about a year ago), I totally botched (I did it wrong)...I don't want to make an expensive mistake again. Ha!
I know that I could order those cheap tests off of Amazon, but I haven't done that yet.
So I'm just practicing patience and trust in God's plan for all of this and on Wednesday, I'll take a test...
What would you do?
I suppose that if I had a normal cycle, I would have already taken a test.
But I don't. When you have PCOS, you have an irregular cycle. I've had irregular cycles most of my life (thought I didn't know it until I was in college)...although I have been having fairly regular 31-32 day cycles.
This time, however, here we are again at cycle day 40. When you have an irregular cycle, you're supposed to wait at least until you have the longest cycle you've had. For me, that's around 42-45 days.
I don't want to negotiate with God. Like, "Okay God, if this happens then this..." or something similar. I know that he has perfect timing in everything that happens, so even if I don't understand, He does.
Cycle Day 42 is on Wednesday. I think that will be the day that I test, should nothing happen between now and then.
I had 41 day cycles in January and March, so while this could be that (we'll see tomorrow), I'm also cautiously optimistic. I know that if this is our time, that it will truly have been a miracle. Seriously.
One of the things that is shaping my positive outlook is the fact that I ovulated this month - the blood test I had a week and a half ago showed that. I've also had sore boobs and frequent urination.
You better believe that I've been Googling "early pregnancy symptoms" and "when to take a pregnancy test."
And you may be wondering why I haven't gotten it over with and just taken one already.
Because my pragmatic side and my idealistic side don't jive.
It's kind of ridiculous.
I'm also naturally frugal, so I don't want to "waste" a test, which some may consider silly. However, considering that the very first pregnancy test I ever took (about a year ago), I totally botched (I did it wrong)...I don't want to make an expensive mistake again. Ha!
I know that I could order those cheap tests off of Amazon, but I haven't done that yet.
So I'm just practicing patience and trust in God's plan for all of this and on Wednesday, I'll take a test...
What would you do?
Our New RE // Cycle Day 37
Last week we had our appointment with a new reproductive endocrinologist.
It was a great experience! I'm so happy that we have found her and feel so reassured after meeting with her. Like a mentioned in my previous post, it was important to me to find a female reproductive endocrinologist. It's not that I don't trust men, it's just that I don't think male doctors who work in the lady part department will ever FULLY grasp what it's like. Sure they can try to empathize and if their wife has ever gone through infertility they can kind of get it....but it's just not quite the same as a female doctor who has had experience with infertility herself.
The experience was excellent from the get-go. I called the make the appointment and the receptionist was super friendly and got me set up in a jiffy. The day before my appointment someone called to confirm and had a bright and cheerful voice on the phone. (I point this out because the medical assistant at my OBGYN's office has the worst phone voice ever...as if it's torture for her to be talking on the phone - she sounds so bored and annoyed.)
That, in and of itself, made me calmer and look forward to the appointment.
My husband came to the appointment with me and though he technically was not required to be there, I was really happy to have him by my side. After the usual wait in a doctor's office and filling out some additional paperwork, I had my vitals taken, and we were led into the doctor's office.
Her office was bright, with comfy chairs and colorful pillows - definitely a woman's office! Dr. T came in and greeted us with a smile on her face. (I point out these details because they make a difference - to me at least!) She took time to take our history and ask relevant questions. I could tell that she was really listening and trying to get a good understanding of our current situation. It felt nice to talk to someone who was really listening and interested. We talked about my PCOS, when I was diagnosed, what I've done to manage it, and she even gave me some more understanding about what was going on.
My husband had just had an SA the week before this RE appointment. Unfortunately, we had not yet received the results...which you know can make anyone nervous. We didn't receive the results until the end of the week and spoiler alert - he's normal!
After taking our histories, the doctor took us in for an ultrasound to check things out. It was the first time that I had a doctor (and not an ultrasound tech) do the vaginal ultrasound. She pointed out everything as she was going and it was the first time that anything had ever been really pointed out to me. Good news, she counted follicles (so it seems like eggs are not currently an issue) and it looked like one of them was nice and big for ovulation. She ordered a blood test to check to see if I had ovulated as well.
Overall, I was just thrilled with how the appointment went. She was very friendly and warm - something that I feel is hard to come by with doctors. When it comes to something like this, infertility, I need someone who is going to be empathetic and sensitive to the experience. I wouldn't do well with someone who was all "JUST THE FACTS". I know some people prefer that, but not me. I like the warm fuzzies. It helps so much with the trust factor.
It was such a contrast from my experience last year. I also had a year of infertility experience and further understanding, but also the doctor herself was a dream in comparison. And let's just say that I had heard no reassuring comments about last year's doctor through the grapevine.
So the plan is to wait until my next cycle, do one more medicated cycle but with Femara, and see what happens before exploring IUI's etc. The doctor says we're "boring" (in a good way) and that because of the PCOS we may just need a little extra nudge in the direction of getting knocked up.
And now we wait.
Oh waiting. It's not for the faint of heart or the patient. Ha.
Well, I got the lab results from my blood test to check for ovulation and I measured at 16. The nurse said that they like anything above an 11 to indicate ovulation, so I hope this is good sign. The great thing is that even if this cycle doesn't result in pregnancy, I feel 110% confident in my new doctor to help us.
Here we are...cycle day 37.
I have to wait until at least CD 42 or 45 before testing...I know I could test...but I'm so pragmatic I don't want to waste them! Haha.
It was a great experience! I'm so happy that we have found her and feel so reassured after meeting with her. Like a mentioned in my previous post, it was important to me to find a female reproductive endocrinologist. It's not that I don't trust men, it's just that I don't think male doctors who work in the lady part department will ever FULLY grasp what it's like. Sure they can try to empathize and if their wife has ever gone through infertility they can kind of get it....but it's just not quite the same as a female doctor who has had experience with infertility herself.
The experience was excellent from the get-go. I called the make the appointment and the receptionist was super friendly and got me set up in a jiffy. The day before my appointment someone called to confirm and had a bright and cheerful voice on the phone. (I point this out because the medical assistant at my OBGYN's office has the worst phone voice ever...as if it's torture for her to be talking on the phone - she sounds so bored and annoyed.)
That, in and of itself, made me calmer and look forward to the appointment.
My husband came to the appointment with me and though he technically was not required to be there, I was really happy to have him by my side. After the usual wait in a doctor's office and filling out some additional paperwork, I had my vitals taken, and we were led into the doctor's office.
Her office was bright, with comfy chairs and colorful pillows - definitely a woman's office! Dr. T came in and greeted us with a smile on her face. (I point out these details because they make a difference - to me at least!) She took time to take our history and ask relevant questions. I could tell that she was really listening and trying to get a good understanding of our current situation. It felt nice to talk to someone who was really listening and interested. We talked about my PCOS, when I was diagnosed, what I've done to manage it, and she even gave me some more understanding about what was going on.
My husband had just had an SA the week before this RE appointment. Unfortunately, we had not yet received the results...which you know can make anyone nervous. We didn't receive the results until the end of the week and spoiler alert - he's normal!
After taking our histories, the doctor took us in for an ultrasound to check things out. It was the first time that I had a doctor (and not an ultrasound tech) do the vaginal ultrasound. She pointed out everything as she was going and it was the first time that anything had ever been really pointed out to me. Good news, she counted follicles (so it seems like eggs are not currently an issue) and it looked like one of them was nice and big for ovulation. She ordered a blood test to check to see if I had ovulated as well.
Overall, I was just thrilled with how the appointment went. She was very friendly and warm - something that I feel is hard to come by with doctors. When it comes to something like this, infertility, I need someone who is going to be empathetic and sensitive to the experience. I wouldn't do well with someone who was all "JUST THE FACTS". I know some people prefer that, but not me. I like the warm fuzzies. It helps so much with the trust factor.
It was such a contrast from my experience last year. I also had a year of infertility experience and further understanding, but also the doctor herself was a dream in comparison. And let's just say that I had heard no reassuring comments about last year's doctor through the grapevine.
So the plan is to wait until my next cycle, do one more medicated cycle but with Femara, and see what happens before exploring IUI's etc. The doctor says we're "boring" (in a good way) and that because of the PCOS we may just need a little extra nudge in the direction of getting knocked up.
And now we wait.
Oh waiting. It's not for the faint of heart or the patient. Ha.
Well, I got the lab results from my blood test to check for ovulation and I measured at 16. The nurse said that they like anything above an 11 to indicate ovulation, so I hope this is good sign. The great thing is that even if this cycle doesn't result in pregnancy, I feel 110% confident in my new doctor to help us.
Here we are...cycle day 37.
I have to wait until at least CD 42 or 45 before testing...I know I could test...but I'm so pragmatic I don't want to waste them! Haha.
Finding a Reproductive Endocrinologist
Well, the time has come.
I made an appointment to see a specialist officially.
Our new insurance has settled into place and I opted to go see a different RE's office from last year.
Last June, on recommendation from my OBGYN, I went to see a reproductive endocrinologist for a consultation. Now, I don't know if I was having an off day, or if the doctor was in a rush, but I didn't get a good feeling from the consultation.
I felt like just another number. I also went to the consultation alone, so I felt a little flustered and I totally forgot about questions I had wanted to ask.
Basically, the experience was not high on my list of "best things ever." I just got a weird vibe. Plus, it felt like the doctor didn't care that I had already had some medicated cycles. He wanted to take me through the exact same process and our insurance (at the time) wasn't going to cover any of it. (What every women going through infertility wants to hear, hooray!)
We went back to my OBGYN (because pragmatism usually wins in my brain) and tried a couple more cycles of Clomid. After the cycle from October did not work, we decided to take a break from the drugs. Who knew what all they were doing to my system. My ovaries needed a break.
In May, we decided to revisit the medicated cycles with my OBGYN. We started Clomid at the beginning of June's cycle...and well, here we are.
Due to complications with our new insurance and all the changeover and new rules and such, we were not able to obtain medications to do another medicated cycle in July. It was totally frustrating and insurance companies are SUCH A RACKET...let's just say that the beginning of this month was not a walk in the park.
A couple weeks in, we celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary, and by that time I was strangely at peace. There was nothing that I could do and all we could do was wait.
I finally bit the bullet and did some research within our insurance network as well as the local Facebook group I'm in for recommendations for RE's offices. There were some criteria I was looking for:
1. Female doctor - When it comes to lady parts.... I just don't trust male doctors. In my opinion because they don't have said lady parts, they will never TRULY understand what it's like to be pregnant, have a period, not be able to get pregnant or go through IVF. Sure, they can have the male perspective, but I'm unconvinced that a male doctor really gets it. I know, I know, it's totally a personal problem...but I can't help to think that it would be weird for a man to see a female urologist...she can't know what that's like either.
2. Background and understanding of PCOS - Since I believe our conundrum has to do with anovulation due to PCOS, I want my doctor to have a good understanding of PCOS and everything that comes with it.
Sure, some people look for the doctor's with the best success rates...but how do you really know if those numbers aren't skewed in the positive. How do we know that all the failures are not accounted for.
These two things were really important to me.
I'll be honest, I'm nervous about our appointment tomorrow. I don't know what's in store. I do know that it's simply a consultation and the doctor will probably recommend a basic course of "treatment".
On another note, it's kind of frustrating...this whole healthcare system. It just seems like a different, but similar version of our government. Lots of hoops to jump through. Lots of bureaucracy. Lots of red tape.
Anyway, my OBGYN referred my husband for an SA since we hadn't done one already and our new insurance won't approve fertility treatments without one on file. (SEE THOSE HOOPS...I get it, but still). He went last week when I was out of town and the results have been sent to my OBGYN...but she just got back from vacation and has to review the results before they can tell us the results. And when you're not the most patient person in the world, it's pretty frustrating to have to wait for test results when you know THEY HAVE THE RESULTS.
Plus, since we're going to see the specialist tomorrow...I kind of want to know what the results are so that we can give that information to the doctor which will help with next steps.
But you know what...there's nothing I can do about that. I can pray that we'll have some answers tomorrow before our appointment and if we don't, I'll just have to roll with it.
Here's to a great appointment tomorrow!
I already have a feeling that I will like this office better - female doctor and super friendly staff. The woman who called to confirm my appointment was so nice on the phone...I was very impressed.
I made an appointment to see a specialist officially.
Our new insurance has settled into place and I opted to go see a different RE's office from last year.
Last June, on recommendation from my OBGYN, I went to see a reproductive endocrinologist for a consultation. Now, I don't know if I was having an off day, or if the doctor was in a rush, but I didn't get a good feeling from the consultation.
I felt like just another number. I also went to the consultation alone, so I felt a little flustered and I totally forgot about questions I had wanted to ask.
Basically, the experience was not high on my list of "best things ever." I just got a weird vibe. Plus, it felt like the doctor didn't care that I had already had some medicated cycles. He wanted to take me through the exact same process and our insurance (at the time) wasn't going to cover any of it. (What every women going through infertility wants to hear, hooray!)
We went back to my OBGYN (because pragmatism usually wins in my brain) and tried a couple more cycles of Clomid. After the cycle from October did not work, we decided to take a break from the drugs. Who knew what all they were doing to my system. My ovaries needed a break.
In May, we decided to revisit the medicated cycles with my OBGYN. We started Clomid at the beginning of June's cycle...and well, here we are.
Due to complications with our new insurance and all the changeover and new rules and such, we were not able to obtain medications to do another medicated cycle in July. It was totally frustrating and insurance companies are SUCH A RACKET...let's just say that the beginning of this month was not a walk in the park.
A couple weeks in, we celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary, and by that time I was strangely at peace. There was nothing that I could do and all we could do was wait.
I finally bit the bullet and did some research within our insurance network as well as the local Facebook group I'm in for recommendations for RE's offices. There were some criteria I was looking for:
1. Female doctor - When it comes to lady parts.... I just don't trust male doctors. In my opinion because they don't have said lady parts, they will never TRULY understand what it's like to be pregnant, have a period, not be able to get pregnant or go through IVF. Sure, they can have the male perspective, but I'm unconvinced that a male doctor really gets it. I know, I know, it's totally a personal problem...but I can't help to think that it would be weird for a man to see a female urologist...she can't know what that's like either.
2. Background and understanding of PCOS - Since I believe our conundrum has to do with anovulation due to PCOS, I want my doctor to have a good understanding of PCOS and everything that comes with it.
Sure, some people look for the doctor's with the best success rates...but how do you really know if those numbers aren't skewed in the positive. How do we know that all the failures are not accounted for.
These two things were really important to me.
I'll be honest, I'm nervous about our appointment tomorrow. I don't know what's in store. I do know that it's simply a consultation and the doctor will probably recommend a basic course of "treatment".
On another note, it's kind of frustrating...this whole healthcare system. It just seems like a different, but similar version of our government. Lots of hoops to jump through. Lots of bureaucracy. Lots of red tape.
Anyway, my OBGYN referred my husband for an SA since we hadn't done one already and our new insurance won't approve fertility treatments without one on file. (SEE THOSE HOOPS...I get it, but still). He went last week when I was out of town and the results have been sent to my OBGYN...but she just got back from vacation and has to review the results before they can tell us the results. And when you're not the most patient person in the world, it's pretty frustrating to have to wait for test results when you know THEY HAVE THE RESULTS.
Plus, since we're going to see the specialist tomorrow...I kind of want to know what the results are so that we can give that information to the doctor which will help with next steps.
But you know what...there's nothing I can do about that. I can pray that we'll have some answers tomorrow before our appointment and if we don't, I'll just have to roll with it.
Here's to a great appointment tomorrow!
I already have a feeling that I will like this office better - female doctor and super friendly staff. The woman who called to confirm my appointment was so nice on the phone...I was very impressed.
False Alarm
I had promised myself that I wouldn't freak out. That I wouldn't throw a fit. That I wouldn't get depressed.
Well, when I started to spot last Thursday, on Day 32, I was so sad and disappointed.
I had told myself that I wasn't going to let it affect me like it had previously, but it did. Bigger than I expected.
Because this was our first medicated cycle after taking a break for six months, I was really hopeful. I thought also because I had lost another 10-15lbs that it would help things along as well.
Everything was going well, or so I thought.
But then, like old reliable, on Day 32 (why are my cycles 32 days?!), I started to spot and the red tide arrived.
Thursday was hard. I was really upset. I was disappointed. I was discouraged.
Why does it all have to be so hard? Why is it so hard for us and so easy for others? I know I'm not supposed to compare lives and I don't know the backstories for other people, but still.
Some people get sneezed on, then boom. Teenagers barely do anything, and boom.
But I'm done being upset. It's not getting me anywhere.
Instead, I binge-watched Finding Carter all weekend long. I became obsessed with the show. Hey, there's nothing a little binge-watching can't fix, right?
Onto the next cycle.
I actually have my annual OBGYN appointment tomorrow, and unfortunately, we've missed the window to try Clomid for this cycle. So I guess we'll just see how things play out naturally and then move on to see a specialist next.
Day 31: Hello July...still waiting
I, for one, cannot believe that it's already July.
This marks the official halfway point of the year. It's an understatement to say this year has flown by for me.
It's been an interesting year, for sure.
At the end of last year I left my terrible full-time job. Honestly, I could have stayed, but it was a toxic environment and I just couldn't take it for my own sanity. My boss was not cut out to ever be a boss, and that's tough when he is the owner of the company too. Our work ethics just did not align. And maybe I just needed to put my head down, focus, and work.
But sometimes, all that stress, aggravation, discontent is just not worth the paycheck.
I thought I had a miserable job before, but this one definitely takes the crown and glory for worst job ever. It probably would have been better for me if I could relate on a cultural level. But I'm not making excuses for that place anymore.
I'm convinced that we were not able to get pregnant while I was working there because of the stress. Hormonal issues too, but I think the stress played a huge part of it. I almost tried to go on stress leave. Get a note from a doctor to take a couple weeks off. Seriously. Makes me crazy thinking about it.
After leaving that job, I decided to focus 100% of my time on my portrait photography business. I'm a high school senior photographer, specializing in portraits for smart, shy girls. And you know what? I'm haven't replaced my previous income with it yet, although I'm getting closer, but I'm 100% happier than when I was working at what I lovingly refer to as "The Sweat Shop" (not too far from the truth, haha).
So here we are. 6 months into 2015. Starting the 7th month.
Still nothing yet as far as knowing if we put a bun in the over or not. Which is good so far. I'm counting my blessings instead of stressing out over it.
Although, yeah, I'm a little stressed. But I know that's bad, so I'm going to go do some deep breathing.
I'm planning to take a test this weekend. I go to my OBGYN on Tuesday for my annual well woman exam, so hopefully my doc will be able to tell me what to expect....either way.
This marks the official halfway point of the year. It's an understatement to say this year has flown by for me.
It's been an interesting year, for sure.
At the end of last year I left my terrible full-time job. Honestly, I could have stayed, but it was a toxic environment and I just couldn't take it for my own sanity. My boss was not cut out to ever be a boss, and that's tough when he is the owner of the company too. Our work ethics just did not align. And maybe I just needed to put my head down, focus, and work.
But sometimes, all that stress, aggravation, discontent is just not worth the paycheck.
I thought I had a miserable job before, but this one definitely takes the crown and glory for worst job ever. It probably would have been better for me if I could relate on a cultural level. But I'm not making excuses for that place anymore.
I'm convinced that we were not able to get pregnant while I was working there because of the stress. Hormonal issues too, but I think the stress played a huge part of it. I almost tried to go on stress leave. Get a note from a doctor to take a couple weeks off. Seriously. Makes me crazy thinking about it.
After leaving that job, I decided to focus 100% of my time on my portrait photography business. I'm a high school senior photographer, specializing in portraits for smart, shy girls. And you know what? I'm haven't replaced my previous income with it yet, although I'm getting closer, but I'm 100% happier than when I was working at what I lovingly refer to as "The Sweat Shop" (not too far from the truth, haha).
So here we are. 6 months into 2015. Starting the 7th month.
Still nothing yet as far as knowing if we put a bun in the over or not. Which is good so far. I'm counting my blessings instead of stressing out over it.
Although, yeah, I'm a little stressed. But I know that's bad, so I'm going to go do some deep breathing.
I'm planning to take a test this weekend. I go to my OBGYN on Tuesday for my annual well woman exam, so hopefully my doc will be able to tell me what to expect....either way.
Day 28: Still Waiting
Yesterday marked Day 28 of this cycle.
It's crazy how aware you become of what day it is when you're keeping track of your cycles.
To most people that probably means nothing.
To a woman who is trying to conceive (TTC) or struggling with infertility it means a whole lot more.
So technically speaking the two week wait is over. I could theoretically take a pregnancy test if I wanted to.
AF did not arrive yesterday, so that's definitely a good sign.
Yet, I don't want to put all my hopeful eggs in one basket, if that metaphor makes sense.
Logically, I know I should at least wait until when my period is due and wait for that to be officially "late". And then I should probably wait another seven days after that.
Such a waiting game.
And I don't want to freak out or stress out about this because I know that's not good either. Maybe I'll go meditate. My favorite part of meditation? Falling asleep in corpse pose...that's what it's called, right yoga aficionados?
Well, we bought a set of pregnancy tests this weekend, but I'm definitely waiting to test because in the words of my pragmatic brain, I don't want to "waste" them. But it's true.
I know that I could purchase cheapie tests on Amazon, but again, I don't want to be wasteful...and let's face it, I also don't want to know the answer yet.
I do.
But I don't.
And I know that it won't be the end of the world if we are not pregnant this cycle. Just another month ahead of waiting and seeking.
On the other hand, I might go out of my mind if it is positive.
I'm trying not to wrap up my emotions in the outcome of the test. Clearly, I'm not doing that great of a job.
I will be fine either way (one more fine than the other, obviously). I trust the plan that is being carved out for us. I trust the big guy upstairs. Although, I'll admit, it's a constant reminder to myself that it's his timing, not my own. His plans, not my own. It's not easy.
I'm also really excited. Cautiously so, of course. And on the same note, I'm also really nervous.
So maybe I should get back to that idea of meditation to clear my fears and worries and focus on the positive.
And of course, the other logical thing is that I could just find out now...theoretically. I could test and just see what happens. But I decided that I would at least wait until AF is projected to arrive, which is Friday, July 3.
Considering that my cycles for the majority of 2014 and early 2015 have been about 31-33 days, I think it makes sense to wait at least until then to see what happens.
This journey is so crazy. I'm sure it's worth it, but gosh, the emotional roller coaster is not for the faint of heart.
It's crazy how aware you become of what day it is when you're keeping track of your cycles.
To most people that probably means nothing.
To a woman who is trying to conceive (TTC) or struggling with infertility it means a whole lot more.
So technically speaking the two week wait is over. I could theoretically take a pregnancy test if I wanted to.
AF did not arrive yesterday, so that's definitely a good sign.
Yet, I don't want to put all my hopeful eggs in one basket, if that metaphor makes sense.
Logically, I know I should at least wait until when my period is due and wait for that to be officially "late". And then I should probably wait another seven days after that.
Such a waiting game.
And I don't want to freak out or stress out about this because I know that's not good either. Maybe I'll go meditate. My favorite part of meditation? Falling asleep in corpse pose...that's what it's called, right yoga aficionados?
Well, we bought a set of pregnancy tests this weekend, but I'm definitely waiting to test because in the words of my pragmatic brain, I don't want to "waste" them. But it's true.
I know that I could purchase cheapie tests on Amazon, but again, I don't want to be wasteful...and let's face it, I also don't want to know the answer yet.
I do.
But I don't.
And I know that it won't be the end of the world if we are not pregnant this cycle. Just another month ahead of waiting and seeking.
On the other hand, I might go out of my mind if it is positive.
I'm trying not to wrap up my emotions in the outcome of the test. Clearly, I'm not doing that great of a job.
I will be fine either way (one more fine than the other, obviously). I trust the plan that is being carved out for us. I trust the big guy upstairs. Although, I'll admit, it's a constant reminder to myself that it's his timing, not my own. His plans, not my own. It's not easy.
I'm also really excited. Cautiously so, of course. And on the same note, I'm also really nervous.
So maybe I should get back to that idea of meditation to clear my fears and worries and focus on the positive.
And of course, the other logical thing is that I could just find out now...theoretically. I could test and just see what happens. But I decided that I would at least wait until AF is projected to arrive, which is Friday, July 3.
Considering that my cycles for the majority of 2014 and early 2015 have been about 31-33 days, I think it makes sense to wait at least until then to see what happens.
This journey is so crazy. I'm sure it's worth it, but gosh, the emotional roller coaster is not for the faint of heart.
