After finally going back to my OBGYN after about a 6 month break from fertility medications, taking a course of Clomid and estrogen supplements, today is the day. Today I will have an ultrasound to see if Clomid worked and if it's viable to trigger ovulation.
The biggest things I struggle with is the probability. Even if the Clomid stimulated follicles to mature and the estrogen supplements helped to thicken the uterine lining, that doesn't guarantee anything.
It's definitely a journey of both science and faith.
Which makes it really difficult to see all the people who it "just happens" for. Because really, there are a whole lot of people out there who it doesn't just "happen" for.
And I know that by comparing myself to other women, I'm only going to drive myself bananas. It's something that I struggle with on the daily and every time I see an announcement, I feel like it's another dig of what I haven't been able to do yet.
I also know that I need to stay faithful. To believe that it is possible. To know that we can become parents someday.
It's truly like fighting an enemy daily to tell him to shut up and go away.
The doubt.
The fear.
The negative, fatalistic thinking.
I have to be positive and go in with the best attitude.
In the last six months, I have lost 15lbs (which I'm hoping helps with the PCOS symptoms) and I'm exercising 5 days a week and eating a generally clean diet. It's hard to know what else I could be doing more of or better at, without making crazy drastic changes (what else is there left to do?)
All in all, I'm excited to go back to the doctor's office today to at least see what's next and what lies ahead. I want to be positive even if the outcome isn't what I'm hoping for. That's the hardest part, and yet the key....
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