Our Infertility Journey

Going through infertility is probably one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in my adult life. It's kind of weird because it's not a life-threatening condition, per se, but it is a disease. One that people often suffer in silence with. 

However, infertility has also proved to be a great blessing. How? If it wasn't for being on this journey through the waters of infertility, I would have never met the amazing community of ladies who are going through the same thing. We all belong to a club that we wish we weren't a part of, and each wait for the day when our membership is revoked. We can't wait to be kicked out of the club.

I don't think I've shared our own infertility journey, and if anything, it needs a little updating. 

We got married in July 2009 and because we dated long distance for three years, we wanted to spend the first couple of years of marriage as a couple. We knew we wanted children, but we wanted to savor the time just the two of us. 

In 2012, during my annual well woman exam at my OBGYN's office, I was officially diagnosed with PCOS - polycystic ovarian syndrome. I had the symptoms: trouble losing weight, craving carbs, unwanted facial hair, thinning hair, irregular periods... All "manageable" symptoms through nutrition and exercise, but annoying nonetheless. Since we were not yet trying to start a family, I continued on the pill to regulate my cycles.

In 2013, we were ready to start trying for a family. I came off the pill and knew that it could take a couple of months for my hormones to regulate. We made it to the end of 2013 with no success.

In 2014, after about a year of trying, we saw my OBGYN to try some medicated, timed intercourse cycles. We did Femara/Letrozole and also tried Clomid. I seemed to respond decently to the medication, but no pregnancies. 

In June 2014, my OBGYN referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist - the office whose Letrozole and Clomid protocols she was following. I made the appointment and went to my first RE consultation.

I went to the consultation by myself and walked away overwhelmed and unimpressed. The doctor I met with didn't take any time to get any of my history (which I thought was important) and quickly launched into a standard protocol of Clomid and trigger shot.

At the time I wasn't as familiar with medicated cycle protocols as I am now, and I felt like the doctor was not listening to me. My OBGYN had suggested that I had a uterine lining issue (it was thinner than ideal), and told me to tell the RE. Well, he didn't even listen to that. I felt like I was wasting my time if he was just suggesting the same thing I had already done at my OBGYN's office.

I was annoyed. I didn't like that he didn't get to know me at all. I felt like a number and he was just giving me the standard plan of care. I felt like if I was going to have to pay out of pocket for this anyway, I needed to like my healthcare provider.

Needless to say, I did not return to his office ever again. 

At the end of 2014, I did return to my OBGYN's office for two more medicated cycle attempts. When our final attempt had no progress, we decided to take a break from medicated cycles. Around the same time, I also started seeing the nutrition testing specialist through my chiropractor. We started supplementing what I was deficient in to help rebalance my hormones.

I continued to see the nutrition testing specialist through the beginning of 2015. I was a lot of vitamins and supplements, and I felt like if I could help my issues in a natural way, that would be great. 

After about a six month break, I started to look into a new reproductive endocrinologist. There were a few top offices in our area that I found.

I had a couple important criteria I wanted in a doctor:

• female doctor
• experience with PCOS
• compassionate, empathetic, kind

While I know that male doctors are probably just as qualified as female doctors, I believe that female doctors understand these issues on a level that a man cannot. I feel way more comfortable with a female doctor and it helps when she can empathize (NOT sympathize) with me.

In July 2015, I made an appointment with an RE at a new practice. Based on her online profile, she seemed to fit most of my criteria. The personality component would be determined at our consultation.

Well, long story short, I LOVE our RE! She fits all the criteria and really appreciated that she spent about an hour with us going over our family histories, our personal medical histories, and personally did my first baseline ultrasound. I was impressed. She was kind and carefully reviewed our case to give us her honest suggested plan of care.

In August 2015, while waiting for my cycle to start before we could move forward with the plan of care with our RE, I was on cycle day 40...and I took a pregnancy test. It was positive! I had never seen a positive test before! Coincidentally, the RE's office called that same day to have me come in for routine bloodwork. I told them that I had a positive home pregnancy test and they said they'd do a beta Hcg test as well.

Later that day, it was confirmed that I was indeed pregnant, with an hCG level of over 9,000! (If you're new to beta numbers, that's super high! I didn't really know at the time how high that was). The following week, we went in for our first ultrasound and we got to see the gestational sacs...there were two! But only one looked to be growing. However...based on the date of my last period, it looked like the size was a little bit behind, so they had me come in the following week to check again.

The following week, there was no progress in growth. The doctor seemed to be cautiously optimistic about it, and had me come in the following week. She said that if there were no changes or heartbeat the next week, then we'd have to discuss options.

Well, in September 2015, I miscarried. Our baby stopped growing at about 5 weeks. We never got an accurate reading/measurement and never saw a heartbeat. I opted to take the medication to help move the miscarriage along after waiting two weeks to miscarry naturally. You can read about that here.

After the miscarriage, I had to wait for my cycle to return. My first period post-miscarriage was insanely heavy. Like...crazy heavy. The second cycle was a little bit more normal.

In November 2015 after my cycle started, I had my original testing done (that didn't happen because we took a detour with a positive pregnancy test), and that included an HSG and hysteroscopy. My doctor found a polyp during the hysteroscopy and my tubes were clear following the HSG. I experienced minimal pain with both, but I have a higher tolerance for pain.

In December 2015, I had a hysteroscopic polypectomy to remove the polyp. It was pretty easy. I was nervous about the anesthesia, but it turned out to be an amazing nap. I went home that morning and had another great nap. I felt pretty good the next day.

At the end of December, we tried a Letrozole cycle with trigger, except during my Day 12 soon, I had already ovulated.

We did a Letrozole + Ovidrel trigger at the end of January 2016.

In February 2016, we did Letrozole + Follistim + Ovidrel trigger + IUI.

In March 2016, when I went in for my baseline, they found a cyst lingering on my ovary, after having a super light period.

About two and a half weeks later when I thought my cycle started again, they saw the same cyst, but it was smaller. So I had to wait until it cleared.

My normal cycle started at the end of April 2016, however, because I was going to be out of town and unable to come in for monitoring, we have to wait until the next cycle.

I feel like waiting is the story of my life lately!

So here we are...waiting....waiting...waiting.

I'm a professional at waiting!

Where are we now

After the miscarriage happened, I had to take a step back and just allow myself to feel all the feelings. Once the physical part of the process had passed, a lot of my grief and frustration felt like it passed as well. I think I was most sad, and felt the most feelings, between finding out and going through the miscarriage.

It was kind of weird. I guess grieving is such a personal process, that there is no "right" way of doing it.

But I'll be honest, I felt a little guilty that I wasn't more sad. Is that weird? Once it had all passed, it was therapeutic (albeit the worst physical thing I've gone through so far in life). I felt guilty that I "got over it" so quickly. Perhaps it was because it was only at 5 weeks. We didn't know the gender or pick a name....

I had to wait until my next cycle started before doing anything else. I also had to go into my doctor's office for a blood draw to check my hCG levels. I did that bi-weekly until I got down to zero. However, the last blood draw I had, the level was still only at 1.3... the hCG just lingered in my system. It went from like 1400, to 300, to 4, to 1.3....

Also, what I wish I could have known before the start of my first cycle post-miscarriage, is that your period can be SUPER HEAVY. Like SUPER HEAVY. I know this probably doesn't happen to everyone, but just know that it's a possibility. Honestly, it was kind of like the flow I experienced in my miscarriage, but drawn out over 7 days. And clots. LOTS of clots. (Sorry for the TMI) But I would have wanted to know.

My doctor's office told me to wait until my next cycle before coming in again.

All the waiting. So much waiting. But I guess that's just what is required in this journey. Waiting.

When being right is the worst thing ever

I've been trying to process how to even write this.

Attempting to collect my feelings and thoughts and emotions into a coherent paragraph.

Tuesday, we had our follow up sonogram after last Thursday's sonogram. Last week, we were told that there had been no progress since the previous week. Basically, the sonogram was looking about the same, where there should have been growth.

On the bright side there were only five days between our appointments instead of the full seven. It felt like several long days of being in limbo. Not knowing the outcome. Not knowing what lay ahead. Only knowing that it could either be really good, or really bad.

We went in for our appointment and our RE did the ultrasound herself. And in just a few minutes, our futures were permanently altered. Decided. Changed. And not in the result that we were so fervently praying for.

I'm going to have a miscarriage.

Those words just feel ominous and haunting.

We opted to let things progress naturally, and then next week if nothing has happened, we'll talk about medication or a procedure.

I guess I feel like I was slightly prepared for this prognosis because of last week's appointment. But I don't think that you're ever fully prepared to know that the life that was once inside you is no longer.  There's a much more crass way I could put that, but I won't.

It's so crazy how you can go from pure, amazing, overwhelming joy, to utter, complete devastation...in a matter of weeks, a matter of minutes, a matter of seconds. The little world I had cautiously constructed, from baby blogs and registry lists, pregnancy apps and countdown calendars...shattered, obliterated, all came crashing down.

Perhaps the hardest part for me has not been accepting the facts. The hardest part has been the idea of having to tell family of what happened. We didn't tell a lot of people that we were expecting. We only told our immediate family. But still, having to tell them that our exciting news turned to tragedy just breaks my heart into a million pieces.

Maybe it's the disappointment? Maybe I feel like I'm disappointing them? I'm mad and sad and disappointed in myself. I feel like I should blame myself. I know that I shouldn't. I know the facts. I know that about 20-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriages - with most of them happening before the parents realize that they were even pregnant.

The thing that I didn't expect throughout all of this was the immediate bond I felt with the little life that was developing inside of me. Previous to my own personal experience, I didn't really understand why or how a miscarriage under 12 weeks was a big deal. I know how insensitive that sounds. But I didn't get it.

Now I get it. It was like the moment that we saw that pregnancy test, that we heard our beta numbers, that we were "for real" pregnant....that I was forever bonded with the little nugget. That little life was real.

I have such an appreciation for what a miracle life is.

So many people take it for granted. Dumb teenagers get knocked up "by accident". Irresponsible one-night stands result in two pink lines. Unplanned pregnancies. Surprise babies.

I feel like when you are in the trenches of infertility, you learn to appreciate that making a baby is a freakin' miracle. It's not an accident. It takes work. Sometimes it takes tests, medications, procedures, and lots of prayers.

Honestly, I was so excited about our positive pregnancy test. But part of me felt slightly guilty that we got pregnant naturally when so many others have such a hard time. My fears got me too. I was afraid of having a miscarriage, of something going wrong, of it all not being real.

But now it's just too real.

And since I haven't physically miscarried yet, I just feel like I'm in between again. Not pregnant, but not empty...if that makes sense. I understand better why some women opt for medication and/or the procedure right away.

I have no idea how long this grief is going to last. I have no idea when we will get pregnant again. But I have faith that there is a plan for us, that we're ultimately not in control, and we just have to trust that it'll happen in the right time. That's the last thing that I want to hear, but I know that it's the thing that I need to hear.

Have you ever been through this?

Positive

The craziest thing happened today.

We got a positive pregnancy test.

I've never had a positive pregnancy test before. I also didn't believe it when I saw the plus sign on the Clear Blue Easy test.

In fact, while I was waiting the three minutes for the test to work, and two minutes and forty seconds had passed by and there was still nothing showing up...I almost gave up. When my timer went off, however, I looked at the test and there it was.

A strong plus sign.

WHAT?

I was in shock. I didn't believe it. We've never had a positive test before. Granted, I've only ever tested twice before this...but the first is definitely amazing.

Being myself, I googled the possibilities of false positives. I read that false negatives are more common than false positives.

I took the test and brought it out to the living room where my husband was working out. I said, "So I decided to take this test and..." and I showed him the stick. He didn't believe it either. He said, "Wait...what? It's positive?"

He stopped what he was doing and gave me a big hug as we both cried happy tears.

We were lucky that it also happened to be one of the days that he worked from home. Just as I was trying to figure out what to do next after having a positive pregnancy test, I made a call to my OBGYN to schedule an appointment. About thirty minutes later, our RE's office calls because they want to run some more tests since the records they pulled from my OBGYN were out of date.

That's when I told them that I just took a pregnancy test and it was positive.

A spontaneous pregnancy.

I still can't believe it.

The RE's office told me that if I could come in before noon for a blood draw (including the tests they wanted to run) they could give me results after lunchtime. So we quickly made that appointment and got there by 10:30.

We got to the doctor's office and after a few minutes they called my name to take me back to have my blood drawn. Throughout the day I was nervous, simply because I've never had a positive pregnancy test before. They told me that following my results they might ask me to come in for a follow up beta hCG test to make sure my levels were doubling properly.

Waiting until after lunchtime felt like slow painful torture. I just wanted to know the results!

At 3:45, with their office closing at 4:30, I stopped being patient and called the office. I finally got a hold of our nurse and she told me that I was definitely and "very" pregnant with a beta hCG of 9,000 and that I did not need to come in for a follow up. They were, however, going to prescribe me the drug Prometrium to maintain and increase my progesterone levels, since it was at 18.

Oh my goodness, I couldn't even believe it. Confirmed by a blood test. We are pregnant! (I am, haha).

We told our parents and siblings over Skype and FaceTime since we couldn't just keep the news to ourselves.

We'll go back to our RE's office for our first ultrasound next week. How am I even going to keep it together to wait these next seven days?!