Our Infertility Journey

Going through infertility is probably one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in my adult life. It's kind of weird because it's not a life-threatening condition, per se, but it is a disease. One that people often suffer in silence with. 

However, infertility has also proved to be a great blessing. How? If it wasn't for being on this journey through the waters of infertility, I would have never met the amazing community of ladies who are going through the same thing. We all belong to a club that we wish we weren't a part of, and each wait for the day when our membership is revoked. We can't wait to be kicked out of the club.

I don't think I've shared our own infertility journey, and if anything, it needs a little updating. 

We got married in July 2009 and because we dated long distance for three years, we wanted to spend the first couple of years of marriage as a couple. We knew we wanted children, but we wanted to savor the time just the two of us. 

In 2012, during my annual well woman exam at my OBGYN's office, I was officially diagnosed with PCOS - polycystic ovarian syndrome. I had the symptoms: trouble losing weight, craving carbs, unwanted facial hair, thinning hair, irregular periods... All "manageable" symptoms through nutrition and exercise, but annoying nonetheless. Since we were not yet trying to start a family, I continued on the pill to regulate my cycles.

In 2013, we were ready to start trying for a family. I came off the pill and knew that it could take a couple of months for my hormones to regulate. We made it to the end of 2013 with no success.

In 2014, after about a year of trying, we saw my OBGYN to try some medicated, timed intercourse cycles. We did Femara/Letrozole and also tried Clomid. I seemed to respond decently to the medication, but no pregnancies. 

In June 2014, my OBGYN referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist - the office whose Letrozole and Clomid protocols she was following. I made the appointment and went to my first RE consultation.

I went to the consultation by myself and walked away overwhelmed and unimpressed. The doctor I met with didn't take any time to get any of my history (which I thought was important) and quickly launched into a standard protocol of Clomid and trigger shot.

At the time I wasn't as familiar with medicated cycle protocols as I am now, and I felt like the doctor was not listening to me. My OBGYN had suggested that I had a uterine lining issue (it was thinner than ideal), and told me to tell the RE. Well, he didn't even listen to that. I felt like I was wasting my time if he was just suggesting the same thing I had already done at my OBGYN's office.

I was annoyed. I didn't like that he didn't get to know me at all. I felt like a number and he was just giving me the standard plan of care. I felt like if I was going to have to pay out of pocket for this anyway, I needed to like my healthcare provider.

Needless to say, I did not return to his office ever again. 

At the end of 2014, I did return to my OBGYN's office for two more medicated cycle attempts. When our final attempt had no progress, we decided to take a break from medicated cycles. Around the same time, I also started seeing the nutrition testing specialist through my chiropractor. We started supplementing what I was deficient in to help rebalance my hormones.

I continued to see the nutrition testing specialist through the beginning of 2015. I was a lot of vitamins and supplements, and I felt like if I could help my issues in a natural way, that would be great. 

After about a six month break, I started to look into a new reproductive endocrinologist. There were a few top offices in our area that I found.

I had a couple important criteria I wanted in a doctor:

• female doctor
• experience with PCOS
• compassionate, empathetic, kind

While I know that male doctors are probably just as qualified as female doctors, I believe that female doctors understand these issues on a level that a man cannot. I feel way more comfortable with a female doctor and it helps when she can empathize (NOT sympathize) with me.

In July 2015, I made an appointment with an RE at a new practice. Based on her online profile, she seemed to fit most of my criteria. The personality component would be determined at our consultation.

Well, long story short, I LOVE our RE! She fits all the criteria and really appreciated that she spent about an hour with us going over our family histories, our personal medical histories, and personally did my first baseline ultrasound. I was impressed. She was kind and carefully reviewed our case to give us her honest suggested plan of care.

In August 2015, while waiting for my cycle to start before we could move forward with the plan of care with our RE, I was on cycle day 40...and I took a pregnancy test. It was positive! I had never seen a positive test before! Coincidentally, the RE's office called that same day to have me come in for routine bloodwork. I told them that I had a positive home pregnancy test and they said they'd do a beta Hcg test as well.

Later that day, it was confirmed that I was indeed pregnant, with an hCG level of over 9,000! (If you're new to beta numbers, that's super high! I didn't really know at the time how high that was). The following week, we went in for our first ultrasound and we got to see the gestational sacs...there were two! But only one looked to be growing. However...based on the date of my last period, it looked like the size was a little bit behind, so they had me come in the following week to check again.

The following week, there was no progress in growth. The doctor seemed to be cautiously optimistic about it, and had me come in the following week. She said that if there were no changes or heartbeat the next week, then we'd have to discuss options.

Well, in September 2015, I miscarried. Our baby stopped growing at about 5 weeks. We never got an accurate reading/measurement and never saw a heartbeat. I opted to take the medication to help move the miscarriage along after waiting two weeks to miscarry naturally. You can read about that here.

After the miscarriage, I had to wait for my cycle to return. My first period post-miscarriage was insanely heavy. Like...crazy heavy. The second cycle was a little bit more normal.

In November 2015 after my cycle started, I had my original testing done (that didn't happen because we took a detour with a positive pregnancy test), and that included an HSG and hysteroscopy. My doctor found a polyp during the hysteroscopy and my tubes were clear following the HSG. I experienced minimal pain with both, but I have a higher tolerance for pain.

In December 2015, I had a hysteroscopic polypectomy to remove the polyp. It was pretty easy. I was nervous about the anesthesia, but it turned out to be an amazing nap. I went home that morning and had another great nap. I felt pretty good the next day.

At the end of December, we tried a Letrozole cycle with trigger, except during my Day 12 soon, I had already ovulated.

We did a Letrozole + Ovidrel trigger at the end of January 2016.

In February 2016, we did Letrozole + Follistim + Ovidrel trigger + IUI.

In March 2016, when I went in for my baseline, they found a cyst lingering on my ovary, after having a super light period.

About two and a half weeks later when I thought my cycle started again, they saw the same cyst, but it was smaller. So I had to wait until it cleared.

My normal cycle started at the end of April 2016, however, because I was going to be out of town and unable to come in for monitoring, we have to wait until the next cycle.

I feel like waiting is the story of my life lately!

So here we are...waiting....waiting...waiting.

I'm a professional at waiting!

Cycle Day 40: The Wait Continues

Oh the wait.

I suppose that if I had a normal cycle, I would have already taken a test.

But I don't. When you have PCOS, you have an irregular cycle. I've had irregular cycles most of my life (thought I didn't know it until I was in college)...although I have been having fairly regular 31-32 day cycles.

This time, however, here we are again at cycle day 40. When you have an irregular cycle, you're supposed to wait at least until you have the longest cycle you've had. For me, that's around 42-45 days.

I don't want to negotiate with God. Like, "Okay God, if this happens then this..." or something similar. I know that he has perfect timing in everything that happens, so even if I don't understand, He does.

Cycle Day 42 is on Wednesday. I think that will be the day that I test, should nothing happen between now and then.

I had 41 day cycles in January and March, so while this could be that (we'll see tomorrow), I'm also cautiously optimistic. I know that if this is our time, that it will truly have been a miracle. Seriously.

One of the things that is shaping my positive outlook is the fact that I ovulated this month - the blood test I had a week and a half ago showed that. I've also had sore boobs and frequent urination.

You better believe that I've been Googling "early pregnancy symptoms" and "when to take a pregnancy test."

And you may be wondering why I haven't gotten it over with and just taken one already.

Because my pragmatic side and my idealistic side don't jive.

It's kind of ridiculous.

I'm also naturally frugal, so I don't want to "waste" a test, which some may consider silly. However, considering that the very first pregnancy test I ever took (about a year ago), I totally botched (I did it wrong)...I don't want to make an expensive mistake again. Ha!

I know that I could order those cheap tests off of Amazon, but I haven't done that yet.

So I'm just practicing patience and trust in God's plan for all of this and on Wednesday, I'll take a test...

What would you do?

Our New RE // Cycle Day 37

Last week we had our appointment with a new reproductive endocrinologist.

It was a great experience! I'm so happy that we have found her and feel so reassured after meeting with her. Like a mentioned in my previous post, it was important to me to find a female reproductive endocrinologist. It's not that I don't trust men, it's just that I don't think male doctors who work in the lady part department will ever FULLY grasp what it's like. Sure they can try to empathize and if their wife has ever gone through infertility they can kind of get it....but it's just not quite the same as a female doctor who has had experience with infertility herself.

The experience was excellent from the get-go. I called the make the appointment and the receptionist was super friendly and got me set up in a jiffy. The day before my appointment someone called to confirm and had a bright and cheerful voice on the phone. (I point this out because the medical assistant at my OBGYN's office has the worst phone voice ever...as if it's torture for her to be talking on the phone - she sounds so bored and annoyed.)

That, in and of itself, made me calmer and look forward to the appointment.

My husband came to the appointment with me and though he technically was not required to be there, I was really happy to have him by my side. After the usual wait in a doctor's office and filling out some additional paperwork, I had my vitals taken, and we were led into the doctor's office.

Her office was bright, with comfy chairs and colorful pillows - definitely a woman's office! Dr. T came in and greeted us with a smile on her face. (I point out these details because they make a difference - to me at least!) She took time to take our history and ask relevant questions. I could tell that she was really listening and trying to get a good understanding of our current situation. It felt nice to talk to someone who was really listening and interested. We talked about my PCOS, when I was diagnosed, what I've done to manage it, and she even gave me some more understanding about what was going on.

My husband had just had an SA the week before this RE appointment. Unfortunately, we had not yet received the results...which you know can make anyone nervous. We didn't receive the results until the end of the week and spoiler alert - he's normal!

After taking our histories, the doctor took us in for an ultrasound to check things out. It was the first time that I had a doctor (and not an ultrasound tech) do the vaginal ultrasound. She pointed out everything as she was going and it was the first time that anything had ever been really pointed out to me. Good news, she counted follicles (so it seems like eggs are not currently an issue) and it looked like one of them was nice and big for ovulation. She ordered a blood test to check to see if I had ovulated as well.

Overall, I was just thrilled with how the appointment went. She was very friendly and warm - something that I feel is hard to come by with doctors. When it comes to something like this, infertility, I need someone who is going to be empathetic and sensitive to the experience. I wouldn't do well with someone who was all "JUST THE FACTS". I know some people prefer that, but not me. I like the warm fuzzies. It helps so much with the trust factor.

It was such a contrast from my experience last year. I also had a year of infertility experience and further understanding, but also the doctor herself was a dream in comparison. And let's just say that I had heard no reassuring comments about last year's doctor through the grapevine.

So the plan is to wait until my next cycle, do one more medicated cycle but with Femara, and see what happens before exploring IUI's etc. The doctor says we're "boring" (in a good way) and that because of the PCOS we may just need a little extra nudge in the direction of getting knocked up.

And now we wait.

Oh waiting. It's not for the faint of heart or the patient. Ha.

Well, I got the lab results from my blood test to check for ovulation and I measured at 16. The nurse said that they like anything above an 11 to indicate ovulation, so I hope this is good sign. The great thing is that even if this cycle doesn't result in pregnancy, I feel 110% confident in my new doctor to help us.

Here we are...cycle day 37.

I have to wait until at least CD 42 or 45 before testing...I know I could test...but I'm so pragmatic I don't want to waste them! Haha.

The Two Week Wait

For anyone who is trying to get pregnant, you probably know what the two week wait is. It's that two week window from the time you ovulate until you can take a pregnancy test.

Well, we are in the two week wait. I try not to stress out about it, or hang all my dreams in the outcome of that test, but it's hard you know?

This past weekend, we flew out to Atlanta to hang out with my husband's family and we got to see our not so little nephew. He turns 9 months today, and is huge! He's exceeding all the markers (I think!) He's cute and such a sweet baby. He will be walking in no time.

I'm not going to lie, seeing him, getting to hang out with him, and seeing my husband interacting with him, just about made my ovaries burst. I know that my husband will be a great dad and they were so sweet together.

We went to the Georgia Aquarium, which was pretty cool, especially with the walk through shark tank. We also went to the World of Coca Cola, and before you get to walk through the exhibits, they show this short movie. It was about sharing a Coke, but really it was people sharing and doing life together. There was one part where a couple was surprising a set of parents about becoming grandparents.

I almost started crying. Like, I felt it tug on my heartstrings. I want to do that for my parents and my in-laws. I want to see their faces and their reactions when we can finally tell them that we are expecting our own.

It's in times of waiting that you really learn about yourself and your faith. Do I trust God or am I putting my trust in myself? I know for a fact that I won't be able to do this without God. Only He is able to do amazing and miraculous things, and whenever we are blessed with a baby, it will truly be a gift and a miracle from God.

Living in a very NOW society, where people can get what they want nearly instantaneously, it's hard to wait. It's difficult to be patient. When we don't get what we want when we want it, we start to wonder if God is still out there and listening to us or not.

God is there. He is listening. But His plans are not our own.

This has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. My plans are good, but His plans are greater.

I have to trust that He has a plan for us and for our lives, and even though we may not understand His plan at this time, he is refining us for the future.

More often than not, that is way harder for me to understand than it is to type.

So here we are. In a season of waiting...within a season of waiting.

I believe that we can be parents, but I won't be wrapping my life's happiness and joy in this month's cycle. I know that's the hard part.

I have this inner battle - of being cautiously optimistic and realistic....but then I have to remind myself that God is able to do abundantly more that I could ever ask or imagine. He is able when I am not. He can do more than I ever could. However, it will all unfold in HIS timing, not my own!

Day 12: Ultrasound Day

After finally going back to my OBGYN after about a 6 month break from fertility medications, taking a course of Clomid and estrogen supplements, today is the day. Today I will have an ultrasound to see if Clomid worked and if it's viable to trigger ovulation.

The biggest things I struggle with is the probability. Even if the Clomid stimulated follicles to mature and the estrogen supplements helped to thicken the uterine lining, that doesn't guarantee anything.

It's definitely a journey of both science and faith.

Which makes it really difficult to see all the people who it "just happens" for. Because really, there are a whole lot of people out there who it doesn't just "happen" for. 

And I know that by comparing myself to other women, I'm only going to drive myself bananas. It's something that I struggle with on the daily and every time I see an announcement, I feel like it's another dig of what I haven't been able to do yet.

I also know that I need to stay faithful. To believe that it is possible. To know that we can become parents someday.

It's truly like fighting an enemy daily to tell him to shut up and go away. 

The doubt. 

The fear.

The negative, fatalistic thinking.

I have to be positive and go in with the best attitude.

In the last six months, I have lost 15lbs (which I'm hoping helps with the PCOS symptoms) and I'm exercising 5 days a week and eating a generally clean diet. It's hard to know what else I could be doing more of or better at, without making crazy drastic changes (what else is there left to do?)

All in all, I'm excited to go back to the doctor's office today to at least see what's next and what lies ahead. I want to be positive even if the outcome isn't what I'm hoping for. That's the hardest part, and yet the key....

Thoughts on the journey

In the last seven days, three women I know have announced their pregnancies. In the last two weeks, at least 4-5 Facebook friends have given birth.

So here's the tough thing. I don't know anything about their stories and how they got pregnant. Was it easy? Was it difficult? Did it require any medication or help?

One friend announced her pregnancy on Facebook, and for whatever emotional reason, it felt like a jab to my stomach. Which, when I think about it, is stupid, because it's not like she's expecting to spite me. It's not all about me.

But when you're going through infertility, not knowing if you'll ever be able to have your own child that you desire so much, every single pregnancy announcement feels like a reminder of what you have been unable to do for yourself.

As an overachiever in life (I was very competitive when it came to academics, at least in high school), and being able to get good grades and ace exams and the sort, it just feels sort of like a cruel joke that this is so difficult.

Then again, I was never good at sports. I was never good at running. And while I suppose that I could have practiced to my hearts content and improved my running, I still would not be an Olympic contender.

It's weird all the thoughts you have.

Will I ever be a mother? How will it happen? When will it happen?

And for now, we really would like to explore becoming parents naturally.

Adoption is awesome and it a whole other conversation for another time. It's definitely a consideration, but it's not at the forefront of the agenda at this time.

What no one tells you about infertility

Infertility was never a challenge I expected to face.

It's probably the hardest obstacle I've ever come in contact with in my life so far.

I feel like I'm fighting against time and resources. 

I feel like I'm on the craziest emotional roller coaster I could ever board, and I hate crazy roller coasters. 

It's both physically and emotionally draining. 

And, while you're feeling ALL THE FEELS, every other woman around you will be pregnant, just announcing her pregnancy, or have just given birth. IT'S CRAZY.

You will feel like you're the only one.

You will feel like there's something wrong with you because if all these other women can get a bun in their oven, why can't you?

And then there are the couples who made an "oops" baby. "Oops we got pregnant by accident" or "We didn't mean to get pregnant". It can be good or bad, hopefully good for the sake of the child.

My message to those people: There are no "oops" babies. Pregnancy is 100% preventable. Your "oops" is merely your laziness and irresponsibility. But now you have a HUGE responsibility to take care of, and you better do it right...your child deserves that.

You feel like you can't share about your struggles because you don't want to be a Debbie-Downer. 

People ask you if you want to have kids.

People ask you when you're going to have kids.

And how do you honestly answer that question?

Usually the "we're trying" answer suffices.

Sometimes, that opens up a whole other can of worms that presents itself with all kinds of unwarranted and quite frankly, unwanted advice.

"Just relax and it will happen"

"You'll get pregnant at the right time"

"Don't think about it so much"

or

"Why don't you just adopt?"

Okay, so for the record, that last statement is not any more comforting that the previous ones. Actually, that's probably a way more insensitive thing to say because first, perhaps the couple has looked into it, second, maybe they have decided it's not for them right now, and third, if you knew what it took to adopt....it's not just a "JUST" adopt sort of situation.

Adopting a human is way more involved and complicated than adopting a pet. I imagine that it involved a whole new emotional roller coaster track from infertility treatments...similar...parallel.

Infertility can be one of the loneliest roads you'll ever walk. 

It feels like no one truly understands unless they have been through it too.

But perhaps that's the amazing part.

The more I talk to other women about getting pregnant and what it's like, the more I find others who did have a hard time here and there. While it doesn't make up for my own empty womb, it does help to know that I am not alone in this.

Infertility affects 1 in 8 women. 12.5% of the population!

One of the hardest parts of going through infertility is that there is no magic turnkey solution. It works for some and not for others. And as you go through this grueling physical journey, you're faced with an emotional battle you never saw coming. The decisions. The finances. The risks. The outcomes.

Just know that you're not on this journey alone. 

My best advice if you're going through infertility: 

Find someone to talk to; whether that's a friend who is also going through infertility, a counselor, or just someone you're close to that you trust. 

Talk to your spouse or partner.

Find other things to focus on so that you're not dwelling on how you're not pregnant yet. Whether that's a project or new job or new business, or whatever it is, I think it's super helpful to have something else to devote your attention to. 

Pray.

Meditate.

Exercise and eat right. If anything, this is just a good idea for your health and fitness. 

You Are Not Alone

I never imagined that infertility would be a part of my life.

You typically imagine your life after high school and college to go a little something like this. Find a job, meet your future husband, get married, buy a house, have kids, enjoy life, and have the cycle repeat.

I didn't think that it would be so hard to not have kids yet in this time of our lives. I remember at the beginning of our marriage, we were conscious that we didn't want to start a family right away. Having spent most of our dating relationship long-distance, we wanted to be able to be together and it be just us for a while.

Once we decided that we were ready and would start trying, we had no idea what lay ahead of us.

Why is the infertility journey such a lonely one?

I think it's because no one really talks about it openly. There's a stigma to infertility. Like you are broken and incomplete. And in this age of social media, where everyone shares their best food forward all the time, openly sharing about infertility is one of the hardest things ever.

I believe that's why there is a strong infertility blogging community. There's something about just writing about your experience that someone may or may not see that is freeing. You can get all your thoughts and share your experiences and struggles, with a whole lot less fear of judgment.

Because the last thing that people going through infertility want is your pity. That is not a helpful reaction. At least it is not for me. I want nothing more than to be able to start our family. While you may be looking for the words to say to comfort a friend who is on this journey of infertility, telling them to "relax" or that it'll "just happen when it's supposed to" or to try old wives tale remedy XYZ is not the thing to say.

We know all those things. We've Googled. We've researched to our hearts content. We're on the constant search for anything and everything that might give us a fighting chance to get pregnant. And let's not even start thinking about how to stay pregnant.

I read a stat that 1 in 8 couples are going through infertility. That's 12.5% of the population! That's crazy. But in a way it's also comforting.

I know that one of the main emotions I have felt during this time in our lives is feeling like we're the only ones. Thanks to Facebook, it's easy to see EVERYONE ELSE who is pregnant, just gave birth, or are expecting their next kid. And all we want is to join that club.

Baby shower invitations feel like jabs to the stomach (though they are not, of course). The baby aisles at Target are adorable and heart wrenching. Gender reveals are so sweet, but you can't help but roll your eyes. You have to smile when you're around pregnant ladies even though you don't want to, AT ALL. It's not their fault. It's not, but when it's the one thing you want most, you can't help it.

A couple of things have helped me during this journey:

Sarah's Laughter Devotionals: I was randomly searching through the devotionals section of the Bible App and I looked up infertility, not expecting to find anything. I was pleasantly surprised to actually find two different devotionals for those needing encouragement during this time. My favorite of the two is Sarah's Laughter. You can also go to their website and sign up for daily encouraging emails which I really enjoy receiving. They always arrive at the right time.

Infertility Blogs: I don't remember when I first started to look for infertility blogs. I think it was around the time that I had been diagnosed with PCOS. I was looking for other people and their experiences with PCOS. That's when I found Chelsea's blog. And then I found Lisa's blog. Check out the list on Lisa's blog for other infertility bloggers.

Focusing on other things: This has been huge for me. I remember when we first realized that we were not going to have an easy time getting pregnant. I focused on it. I obsessed over it. I tried to find every cure, remedy, oil, magic, etc to help us get closer to our goal. But that's what's tricky about infertility. You can do all those things and still have no results. Instead, I decided to focus on my business (I'm a photographer) and on getting fit.

Getting fit: At the beginning of this year, I decided once and for all that I was going to get healthy and fit. Dealing with PCOS makes that a little bit more complicated, but I was not going to let that deter me. In February I joined a challenge group my friend was hosting and it made all the difference to have that kind of accountability in the group. It was great! I decided that I wanted to help others get fit too and became Beachbody Coach. Working on getting fit, while it doesn't make any promises of becoming a parent any time soon, will at least get me closer to my goal, feeling healthier, and happier in the midst of this lonely journey.

What can you do?

If you have a friend or family member who is going through infertility, reach out to them. Don't try to offer suggestions per se, but be there for them. Go out and grab lunch. Go to the movies. Go get a pedicure. Spend quality time with them to show that you care. Pray for them. Pray with them. Offer to let them vent to you, we all just want someone who will listen (to give our spouses a break!).

Be empathetic, not sympathetic. Please don't pity us. You may not understand what it's like, but that's okay. This journey is a unique one that only people who have been through it or are in it truly understand.

Infertility has truly been one of the craziest emotional roller coasters that I have ever been on. It makes me feel crazy. It makes me feel lost. I wish that there was a path carved out with clear directions on which way to go. Do we try more medication? Do we try for an IUI? Do we start saving for IVF? Do we hope that with lifestyle changes we're healthy enough for it to happen naturally? These are the questions constantly running through my head. (Not to mention the biological clock ticking away....)

If you are in the trenches of infertility, know that you are not alone.