This fall was one of, if not THE, hardest seasons of my life that I have ever gone through. I felt like I was weathering a storm that no one could really protect me from. Between the physical and the emotional, it all now feels like a numb blur.
And it's kind of weird because miscarriages are such a deeply personal experience. You don't really know what it's like until you're in the thick of it. I'll admit that I didn't understand "what the big deal" was until it happened to us. I figured that it was "better" than being further along. But there's something special that happens when you find out that you are pregnant. You're instantly a parent. There's something that clicks in your brain and refocuses your priorities.
Here are some of the things I wish someone could have told me about going through miscarriage.
It doesn't matter how far along you are, the emotional pain is just as real and as strong. I remember going in for our second follow up ultrasound and seeing the look on the ultrasound technician's face. I got a pit in my stomach and I knew it wasn't looking good. I tried to hold it together and not break down in that moment, but a sudden sadness washed over me. We were 7 weeks along.
Your first period after a miscarriage can feel like another miscarriage. Because every woman's body is different, there's no way to know what your first period post-miscarriage will be like. My doctor wanted me to wait until my second cycle start before revisiting our situation. Well, let me tell you, and warn you what it was like for me. It was kind of like the miscarriage events without the cramps. I've never had a period that heavy in my life. And it was also full of clots. Big ones. Soaking through pads in minutes. It went on for about seven days. My thoughts were - "How do I even have any blood left to shed?!"
No one really understands what it's like unless they've been through it. We didn't tell anyone except our immediate family that we were expecting. Because we were so excited, we had told them the day we found out. Telling them the sad news was one of the hardest pieces of news to deliver. When I subtly shared online that we had gone through miscarriage on October 15 (pregnancy & infant loss day), there were some people who came out of the woodwork. However, for most people, they get this speechless look on their face and they don't know what to say. It's understandable. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just wanted someone to just be there.
There's no "right" way to mourn. Grief is a strange beast. It creeps up on you when you least expect it. It lingers when you think it's passed. I felt like I (for lack of better words) "got over it" fairly quickly. It was an intense September when everything happened, and then as we slipped into October, I felt myself emerging from the fog. I felt guilty for not being more sad. I felt guilty for being still sad. I was confused and overwhelmed. There were times when I'd just be in my car and start crying. It's okay to feel all the feelings and now understand what the heck is going on with yourself. Feel it. Seek help from a counselor. Talk it out.
Certain milestones can trigger emotions. When we were at my parents' for Thanksgiving, my great aunt asked me how we were doing. Apparently, no one had shared the news with her. I remember that I had written down the weeks on a calendar of how far along I would be, in the event that it would impact travel. Well, at Thanksgiving I would have been 20 weeks. I'm guessing we would have found out the gender and I would be about halfway and showing. Her innocent question brought back those emotions. By Christmas, we would have been 24 weeks, and by Spring there'd be a bundle of joy. We'll see how it is in April when our due date comes and goes.
If you've gone through miscarriage(s), what are some of the things you've learned that you wish you knew?
Where are we now
After the miscarriage happened, I had to take a step back and just allow myself to feel all the feelings. Once the physical part of the process had passed, a lot of my grief and frustration felt like it passed as well. I think I was most sad, and felt the most feelings, between finding out and going through the miscarriage.
It was kind of weird. I guess grieving is such a personal process, that there is no "right" way of doing it.
But I'll be honest, I felt a little guilty that I wasn't more sad. Is that weird? Once it had all passed, it was therapeutic (albeit the worst physical thing I've gone through so far in life). I felt guilty that I "got over it" so quickly. Perhaps it was because it was only at 5 weeks. We didn't know the gender or pick a name....
I had to wait until my next cycle started before doing anything else. I also had to go into my doctor's office for a blood draw to check my hCG levels. I did that bi-weekly until I got down to zero. However, the last blood draw I had, the level was still only at 1.3... the hCG just lingered in my system. It went from like 1400, to 300, to 4, to 1.3....
Also, what I wish I could have known before the start of my first cycle post-miscarriage, is that your period can be SUPER HEAVY. Like SUPER HEAVY. I know this probably doesn't happen to everyone, but just know that it's a possibility. Honestly, it was kind of like the flow I experienced in my miscarriage, but drawn out over 7 days. And clots. LOTS of clots. (Sorry for the TMI) But I would have wanted to know.
My doctor's office told me to wait until my next cycle before coming in again.
All the waiting. So much waiting. But I guess that's just what is required in this journey. Waiting.
It was kind of weird. I guess grieving is such a personal process, that there is no "right" way of doing it.
But I'll be honest, I felt a little guilty that I wasn't more sad. Is that weird? Once it had all passed, it was therapeutic (albeit the worst physical thing I've gone through so far in life). I felt guilty that I "got over it" so quickly. Perhaps it was because it was only at 5 weeks. We didn't know the gender or pick a name....
I had to wait until my next cycle started before doing anything else. I also had to go into my doctor's office for a blood draw to check my hCG levels. I did that bi-weekly until I got down to zero. However, the last blood draw I had, the level was still only at 1.3... the hCG just lingered in my system. It went from like 1400, to 300, to 4, to 1.3....
Also, what I wish I could have known before the start of my first cycle post-miscarriage, is that your period can be SUPER HEAVY. Like SUPER HEAVY. I know this probably doesn't happen to everyone, but just know that it's a possibility. Honestly, it was kind of like the flow I experienced in my miscarriage, but drawn out over 7 days. And clots. LOTS of clots. (Sorry for the TMI) But I would have wanted to know.
My doctor's office told me to wait until my next cycle before coming in again.
All the waiting. So much waiting. But I guess that's just what is required in this journey. Waiting.
My Experience with Misoprostol for Miscarriage
We found out the news about two weeks ago. Our baby had stopped growing at 5 weeks 5 days. We never found or saw the heart beat. My doctor allowed me to see if it would pass naturally and if in a week nothing had happened, she would give me a choice. A medicinally-managed miscarriage or a D&C. Not a decision that anyone should ever have to make.
A week went by and my doctor's office gave me a call to check on me. During that week nothing had happened yet, so they presented me with the options.
I opted to go with the less invasive version. While I don't know much about D&C's, I just didn't feel like it was the right option for me. As much I wanted to just wait it out for a natural miscarriage, I knew that the stress from waiting was only going to make me more stressed. So, I chose the medicine to induce it.
This is an account of my experience using Misoprostol/Cytotec to miscarry. Please note this is my own experience. Growth stopped at 5 days 5 weeks and this week would have been the 9th week.
It's about to get real. If things make you queasy, this is your warning to turn back now.
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I went to pick up the prescription for Misoprostol as well as the painkiller Tylenol #3 (with codeine) for pain management.
I was pretty nervous about it. The nurse had told me that I would be receiving two doses. I would take one dose at bedtime and if nothing happened, I would repeat the dose the following evening.
And of course, what do you do when you're about to take medication that you've never taken before and the nurses can't predict what your personal reaction will be? You take to the internet, of course! I'm really thankful for the couple of personal accounts I found of other women who chose to take Misoprostol to miscarry. It made me feel less alone, more prepared, and at least have some idea of what was going to happen.
I was instructed to insert four misoprostol tablets vaginally before bed. I was also given the option to take two Tylenol with codeine for pain management - I opted to take them.
I consider myself pretty lucky that I rarely ever get menstrual cramps before or during my regular periods. That being said, I was nervous about what was going to happen.
12:00AM - At about midnight on Saturday night, I took the two Tylenol #3 and then inserted the four (total 800mg) Misoprostol tablets. I also set myself up with a pad just in case bleeding started in bed. I also laid out a towel on the bed under me. I got into bed and we watched a couple episodes of The League on Netflix. I didn't feel anything quite yet.
1:05AM - I started to feel slight cramping, but nothing too bad. I got up to go to the bathroom, and nothing yet on that front.
3:30AM - The cramps were getting stronger and starting to feel uncomfortable. I got up again to use the bathroom and there was some spotting. I figured that was a good sign.
5:25AM - The cramps continued, I tossed and turned, and then when I turned over one more I time, I felt the feeling like when your period starts. I got up to go to the bathroom and whoa...there was a lot of blood.
5:55AM - More cramps, more feeling of bleeding, get up again. More blood.
6:15AM - Get up again. Cramps feel worse. I go take one tablet of Tylenol #3 since 6 hours had passed. Try to get comfortable in bed.
6:30AM - Get up again, go to the bathroom. Still passing clots, pass what looks like could be the embryo (grey material with the clot).
6:50AM - Get up again. When I lay back down, the cramps are feeling unbearable. Can't get comfortable.
7:05AM - Get up again, this time I leaned at the foot of the bed face down, hoping that position would be more comfortable and bearable. When that wasn't working, I got up again and wandered around the bedroom, hoping to get things going.
7:10AM - Then I suddenly felt a clot or large amount of blood coming, and before I could sit down, SPLAT, looked like a toned down scene from Dexter. I passed a large clot, perhaps the sac.
7:15AM - After that last bathroom run, I feel much better and can finally get comfortable in bed.
7:45AM - Get up again, pass more clots, but the volume of blood is significantly less from earlier.
7:50AM-10:15AM - I'm able to sleep for the most part comfortably.
In about two hours time, I went through five pads, that were FULL and soaked.
The cramps finally subsided completely by about 12:00PM, so a full 12 hours after inserting the Misoprostol.
Now, my nurse had told me that if nothing happened from the first dose that I could do a second dose the following day. Since I felt like all my insides passed, I wanted to know if I needed to take the second dose or if just taking the one was okay.
I called my doctor's service and well, I have to take the second dose. I'm sure that just to shake out whatever is still left...though I feel like there's not much of anything! (Gotta keep a good sense of humor when dealing with gross things).
I'm really hoping that round two is less intense than round one. I'm hoping that since I've passed most, if not all the tissue, that the bleeding is a lot less and the cramping is hopefully not as severe. But who knows?!
In spite of the pain, I'm still glad that I chose the medicinal option over the D&C. Even with outpatient surgery, that still kind of freaks me out because I do know they have to put you under in some capacity.
Have you ever taken Misoprostol/Cytotec for miscarriage? What was your experience like?
Updated after second dose of Misoprostol:
The second dose of Misoprostol wasn't bad at all. I experienced the slightest cramping, but nothing in comparison to the night before. I was able to sleep through the night.
The thing they don't tell you (or at least doesn't seem too important) is that after you have bled out what feels like half your body volume in blood (okay, being dramatic), you continue to bleed for days after the event. It's kind of like having a normal period. And just when you think that you're done bleeding, things have reduced to spotting, you get a random bit of blood here and there. Like heaving spotting. It's annoying more than anything given the circumstances.
It'll depend on how your doctor's protocol works, but if you're instructed to take it at night, here are my recommendations.
A week went by and my doctor's office gave me a call to check on me. During that week nothing had happened yet, so they presented me with the options.
I opted to go with the less invasive version. While I don't know much about D&C's, I just didn't feel like it was the right option for me. As much I wanted to just wait it out for a natural miscarriage, I knew that the stress from waiting was only going to make me more stressed. So, I chose the medicine to induce it.
This is an account of my experience using Misoprostol/Cytotec to miscarry. Please note this is my own experience. Growth stopped at 5 days 5 weeks and this week would have been the 9th week.
It's about to get real. If things make you queasy, this is your warning to turn back now.
----------------------------------------------
I went to pick up the prescription for Misoprostol as well as the painkiller Tylenol #3 (with codeine) for pain management.
I was pretty nervous about it. The nurse had told me that I would be receiving two doses. I would take one dose at bedtime and if nothing happened, I would repeat the dose the following evening.
And of course, what do you do when you're about to take medication that you've never taken before and the nurses can't predict what your personal reaction will be? You take to the internet, of course! I'm really thankful for the couple of personal accounts I found of other women who chose to take Misoprostol to miscarry. It made me feel less alone, more prepared, and at least have some idea of what was going to happen.
I was instructed to insert four misoprostol tablets vaginally before bed. I was also given the option to take two Tylenol with codeine for pain management - I opted to take them.
I consider myself pretty lucky that I rarely ever get menstrual cramps before or during my regular periods. That being said, I was nervous about what was going to happen.
12:00AM - At about midnight on Saturday night, I took the two Tylenol #3 and then inserted the four (total 800mg) Misoprostol tablets. I also set myself up with a pad just in case bleeding started in bed. I also laid out a towel on the bed under me. I got into bed and we watched a couple episodes of The League on Netflix. I didn't feel anything quite yet.
1:05AM - I started to feel slight cramping, but nothing too bad. I got up to go to the bathroom, and nothing yet on that front.
3:30AM - The cramps were getting stronger and starting to feel uncomfortable. I got up again to use the bathroom and there was some spotting. I figured that was a good sign.
5:25AM - The cramps continued, I tossed and turned, and then when I turned over one more I time, I felt the feeling like when your period starts. I got up to go to the bathroom and whoa...there was a lot of blood.
5:55AM - More cramps, more feeling of bleeding, get up again. More blood.
6:15AM - Get up again. Cramps feel worse. I go take one tablet of Tylenol #3 since 6 hours had passed. Try to get comfortable in bed.
6:30AM - Get up again, go to the bathroom. Still passing clots, pass what looks like could be the embryo (grey material with the clot).
6:50AM - Get up again. When I lay back down, the cramps are feeling unbearable. Can't get comfortable.
7:05AM - Get up again, this time I leaned at the foot of the bed face down, hoping that position would be more comfortable and bearable. When that wasn't working, I got up again and wandered around the bedroom, hoping to get things going.
7:10AM - Then I suddenly felt a clot or large amount of blood coming, and before I could sit down, SPLAT, looked like a toned down scene from Dexter. I passed a large clot, perhaps the sac.
7:15AM - After that last bathroom run, I feel much better and can finally get comfortable in bed.
7:45AM - Get up again, pass more clots, but the volume of blood is significantly less from earlier.
7:50AM-10:15AM - I'm able to sleep for the most part comfortably.
In about two hours time, I went through five pads, that were FULL and soaked.
The cramps finally subsided completely by about 12:00PM, so a full 12 hours after inserting the Misoprostol.
Now, my nurse had told me that if nothing happened from the first dose that I could do a second dose the following day. Since I felt like all my insides passed, I wanted to know if I needed to take the second dose or if just taking the one was okay.
I called my doctor's service and well, I have to take the second dose. I'm sure that just to shake out whatever is still left...though I feel like there's not much of anything! (Gotta keep a good sense of humor when dealing with gross things).
I'm really hoping that round two is less intense than round one. I'm hoping that since I've passed most, if not all the tissue, that the bleeding is a lot less and the cramping is hopefully not as severe. But who knows?!
In spite of the pain, I'm still glad that I chose the medicinal option over the D&C. Even with outpatient surgery, that still kind of freaks me out because I do know they have to put you under in some capacity.
Have you ever taken Misoprostol/Cytotec for miscarriage? What was your experience like?
Updated after second dose of Misoprostol:
The second dose of Misoprostol wasn't bad at all. I experienced the slightest cramping, but nothing in comparison to the night before. I was able to sleep through the night.
The thing they don't tell you (or at least doesn't seem too important) is that after you have bled out what feels like half your body volume in blood (okay, being dramatic), you continue to bleed for days after the event. It's kind of like having a normal period. And just when you think that you're done bleeding, things have reduced to spotting, you get a random bit of blood here and there. Like heaving spotting. It's annoying more than anything given the circumstances.
How to prepare to take Misoprostol:
It'll depend on how your doctor's protocol works, but if you're instructed to take it at night, here are my recommendations.
- Eat a good dinner, but nothing that might upset your stomach.
- Stock up on pads. Considering the amount of blood that gushes, tampons are not recommended.
- Lay out a towel on your bed, just in case.
- Keep a glass or bottle of water accessible.
- Wear whatever makes you feel most comfortable, and easy when you need to run to the bathroom.
- A heating pad - I did not use one, but I have heard that this can help with the cramps.
- Decent toilet paper. Like, you don't want the thick, fancy stuff clogging up your toilet, but you also don't want 1-ply because you'll be bunching that stuff up like crazy anyway. A good, middle of the line toilet paper will do.
- Netflix or other distraction - if you can't sleep, I'd recommend finding a distraction - Netflix is always a great option...watch something funny.
When being right is the worst thing ever
I've been trying to process how to even write this.
Attempting to collect my feelings and thoughts and emotions into a coherent paragraph.
Tuesday, we had our follow up sonogram after last Thursday's sonogram. Last week, we were told that there had been no progress since the previous week. Basically, the sonogram was looking about the same, where there should have been growth.
On the bright side there were only five days between our appointments instead of the full seven. It felt like several long days of being in limbo. Not knowing the outcome. Not knowing what lay ahead. Only knowing that it could either be really good, or really bad.
We went in for our appointment and our RE did the ultrasound herself. And in just a few minutes, our futures were permanently altered. Decided. Changed. And not in the result that we were so fervently praying for.
I'm going to have a miscarriage.
Those words just feel ominous and haunting.
We opted to let things progress naturally, and then next week if nothing has happened, we'll talk about medication or a procedure.
I guess I feel like I was slightly prepared for this prognosis because of last week's appointment. But I don't think that you're ever fully prepared to know that the life that was once inside you is no longer. There's a much more crass way I could put that, but I won't.
It's so crazy how you can go from pure, amazing, overwhelming joy, to utter, complete devastation...in a matter of weeks, a matter of minutes, a matter of seconds. The little world I had cautiously constructed, from baby blogs and registry lists, pregnancy apps and countdown calendars...shattered, obliterated, all came crashing down.
Perhaps the hardest part for me has not been accepting the facts. The hardest part has been the idea of having to tell family of what happened. We didn't tell a lot of people that we were expecting. We only told our immediate family. But still, having to tell them that our exciting news turned to tragedy just breaks my heart into a million pieces.
Maybe it's the disappointment? Maybe I feel like I'm disappointing them? I'm mad and sad and disappointed in myself. I feel like I should blame myself. I know that I shouldn't. I know the facts. I know that about 20-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriages - with most of them happening before the parents realize that they were even pregnant.
The thing that I didn't expect throughout all of this was the immediate bond I felt with the little life that was developing inside of me. Previous to my own personal experience, I didn't really understand why or how a miscarriage under 12 weeks was a big deal. I know how insensitive that sounds. But I didn't get it.
Now I get it. It was like the moment that we saw that pregnancy test, that we heard our beta numbers, that we were "for real" pregnant....that I was forever bonded with the little nugget. That little life was real.
I have such an appreciation for what a miracle life is.
So many people take it for granted. Dumb teenagers get knocked up "by accident". Irresponsible one-night stands result in two pink lines. Unplanned pregnancies. Surprise babies.
I feel like when you are in the trenches of infertility, you learn to appreciate that making a baby is a freakin' miracle. It's not an accident. It takes work. Sometimes it takes tests, medications, procedures, and lots of prayers.
Honestly, I was so excited about our positive pregnancy test. But part of me felt slightly guilty that we got pregnant naturally when so many others have such a hard time. My fears got me too. I was afraid of having a miscarriage, of something going wrong, of it all not being real.
But now it's just too real.
And since I haven't physically miscarried yet, I just feel like I'm in between again. Not pregnant, but not empty...if that makes sense. I understand better why some women opt for medication and/or the procedure right away.
I have no idea how long this grief is going to last. I have no idea when we will get pregnant again. But I have faith that there is a plan for us, that we're ultimately not in control, and we just have to trust that it'll happen in the right time. That's the last thing that I want to hear, but I know that it's the thing that I need to hear.
Have you ever been through this?
Attempting to collect my feelings and thoughts and emotions into a coherent paragraph.
Tuesday, we had our follow up sonogram after last Thursday's sonogram. Last week, we were told that there had been no progress since the previous week. Basically, the sonogram was looking about the same, where there should have been growth.
On the bright side there were only five days between our appointments instead of the full seven. It felt like several long days of being in limbo. Not knowing the outcome. Not knowing what lay ahead. Only knowing that it could either be really good, or really bad.
We went in for our appointment and our RE did the ultrasound herself. And in just a few minutes, our futures were permanently altered. Decided. Changed. And not in the result that we were so fervently praying for.
I'm going to have a miscarriage.
Those words just feel ominous and haunting.
We opted to let things progress naturally, and then next week if nothing has happened, we'll talk about medication or a procedure.
I guess I feel like I was slightly prepared for this prognosis because of last week's appointment. But I don't think that you're ever fully prepared to know that the life that was once inside you is no longer. There's a much more crass way I could put that, but I won't.
It's so crazy how you can go from pure, amazing, overwhelming joy, to utter, complete devastation...in a matter of weeks, a matter of minutes, a matter of seconds. The little world I had cautiously constructed, from baby blogs and registry lists, pregnancy apps and countdown calendars...shattered, obliterated, all came crashing down.
Perhaps the hardest part for me has not been accepting the facts. The hardest part has been the idea of having to tell family of what happened. We didn't tell a lot of people that we were expecting. We only told our immediate family. But still, having to tell them that our exciting news turned to tragedy just breaks my heart into a million pieces.
Maybe it's the disappointment? Maybe I feel like I'm disappointing them? I'm mad and sad and disappointed in myself. I feel like I should blame myself. I know that I shouldn't. I know the facts. I know that about 20-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriages - with most of them happening before the parents realize that they were even pregnant.
The thing that I didn't expect throughout all of this was the immediate bond I felt with the little life that was developing inside of me. Previous to my own personal experience, I didn't really understand why or how a miscarriage under 12 weeks was a big deal. I know how insensitive that sounds. But I didn't get it.
Now I get it. It was like the moment that we saw that pregnancy test, that we heard our beta numbers, that we were "for real" pregnant....that I was forever bonded with the little nugget. That little life was real.
I have such an appreciation for what a miracle life is.
So many people take it for granted. Dumb teenagers get knocked up "by accident". Irresponsible one-night stands result in two pink lines. Unplanned pregnancies. Surprise babies.
I feel like when you are in the trenches of infertility, you learn to appreciate that making a baby is a freakin' miracle. It's not an accident. It takes work. Sometimes it takes tests, medications, procedures, and lots of prayers.
Honestly, I was so excited about our positive pregnancy test. But part of me felt slightly guilty that we got pregnant naturally when so many others have such a hard time. My fears got me too. I was afraid of having a miscarriage, of something going wrong, of it all not being real.
But now it's just too real.
And since I haven't physically miscarried yet, I just feel like I'm in between again. Not pregnant, but not empty...if that makes sense. I understand better why some women opt for medication and/or the procedure right away.
I have no idea how long this grief is going to last. I have no idea when we will get pregnant again. But I have faith that there is a plan for us, that we're ultimately not in control, and we just have to trust that it'll happen in the right time. That's the last thing that I want to hear, but I know that it's the thing that I need to hear.
Have you ever been through this?
The thing you worry about...
Last week, we went in for our first ultrasound. Based on my LMP, the reproductive endocrinologist and ultrasound tech had estimated me to be at about 7 weeks. However, when they did the ultrasound, the fetus was measuring more at 6 weeks. This didn't surprise me because that was the estimate I was going off of based on my irregular cycles. I know that I don't ovulate right at 14 days, it could have been anywhere between day 16-20 really. The RE asked us to come back in a week to do another scan to see how it progresses.
It felt like the longest week of my life, but I tried my best to stay calm, occupied, and free of worry. I didn't want to worry about something that was just in my head. But when it's your first pregnancy you just don't know what to feel or to expect.
I have been having the classic pregnancy symptoms for about two and a half weeks. Sore breasts, frequent urination, some fatigue, and a little morning sickness - mostly just feeling queasy. Even though I wasn't feeling awesome, I figured that having symptoms was a good sign.
We nicknamed the baby "The Nugget" and my husband would talk to my belly and tell the Nugget to keep growing. It's the cutest thing.
I prayed a lot. I did my best to concentrate on other things. I worked out. I indulged a little. I did some work. I tried to reduce any stress I was feeling. But a week is a long time.
In the back of my mind, I couldn't help but think about if something was wrong. What if the baby hadn't progressed in growth? What if I had a miscarriage?
I haven't had any spotting. I haven't had any cramps. I've been feeling pretty good, aside from some of the general symptoms. So I figured that I should just tell my worries to be quiet and wait for the appointment.
Well, our appointment was yesterday. We do the usual drill, another vaginal ultrasound. The tech does the initial scan, and while I'm not trained in reading ultrasounds, I can kind of tell that there's something not quite right. From what I can see on the screen, there doesn't appear to be much if any growth of the fetus since last week.
And I have to say that the ultrasound tech is quite nice and has good bedside manner, but when she says, "I'm just going to have the doctor come in and take a second look," and "It doesn't look like there was any growth, unfortunately," I couldn't help but see my worst fears come to light.
I mean, obviously, if there was no progress, that can't be a great thing. I was desperately hoping to see progress, to see the heartbeat flicker, to have proof that the baby growing inside me is doing well and getting bigger.
As we waited for the doctor to come in, I could only lay there and think worst case scenario. My husband grabbed my hand and we just looked at each other, not saying a word.
The doctor came in, did a second ultrasound scan, and while she could see the yolk sac/fetal pole, she said that it didn't look like the pregnancy was progress like she had hoped it would. She wanted to talk to us in her office after I got dressed.
She compared the ultrasound from this week to last weeks, and the look on her face basically said it. While she didn't rule it a pregnancy loss yet, she wants us to come in on Tuesday for a final scan to see what happens. She said that by that point we should be able to see a heartbeat, and if we can't....then we will discuss "options".
It just feels so grim.
Knowing, but also not knowing, that there's potentially a non-viable fetus inside of me.
It's the unknown that's the hardest. I feel like I have no control...and I while I know that I don't have control because all this is in God's court, still, I wish I could understand what and why this is happening. I feel like it's been an arduous journey to even get here to this point, only to have the rug pulled out from under us in a hot second.
We're in a place of wait and see.
It's crazy to me how we could go from such pure joy to devastation in a matter of seconds. While I don't know if I will have a miscarriage or not at this point, my gut tells me that we probably will. The optimistic side of my brain is grasping to the tiny shred of hope that the baby may progress at least a little bit by Tuesday.
However, I will say, that I am so thankful and grateful that we were even able to get pregnant naturally...or as the office calls it "spontaneously". Seeing that positive pregnancy test was pure joy. I was shocked and couldn't believe my eyes. I know that for many, many couples out there, this isn't even a possibility. So I am really thankful that we know that getting pregnant is a possibility for us. I'm trying to find the silver lining in between sobbing for the unknown.
Have you ever been through something like this?
It felt like the longest week of my life, but I tried my best to stay calm, occupied, and free of worry. I didn't want to worry about something that was just in my head. But when it's your first pregnancy you just don't know what to feel or to expect.
I have been having the classic pregnancy symptoms for about two and a half weeks. Sore breasts, frequent urination, some fatigue, and a little morning sickness - mostly just feeling queasy. Even though I wasn't feeling awesome, I figured that having symptoms was a good sign.
We nicknamed the baby "The Nugget" and my husband would talk to my belly and tell the Nugget to keep growing. It's the cutest thing.
I prayed a lot. I did my best to concentrate on other things. I worked out. I indulged a little. I did some work. I tried to reduce any stress I was feeling. But a week is a long time.
In the back of my mind, I couldn't help but think about if something was wrong. What if the baby hadn't progressed in growth? What if I had a miscarriage?
I haven't had any spotting. I haven't had any cramps. I've been feeling pretty good, aside from some of the general symptoms. So I figured that I should just tell my worries to be quiet and wait for the appointment.
Well, our appointment was yesterday. We do the usual drill, another vaginal ultrasound. The tech does the initial scan, and while I'm not trained in reading ultrasounds, I can kind of tell that there's something not quite right. From what I can see on the screen, there doesn't appear to be much if any growth of the fetus since last week.
And I have to say that the ultrasound tech is quite nice and has good bedside manner, but when she says, "I'm just going to have the doctor come in and take a second look," and "It doesn't look like there was any growth, unfortunately," I couldn't help but see my worst fears come to light.
I mean, obviously, if there was no progress, that can't be a great thing. I was desperately hoping to see progress, to see the heartbeat flicker, to have proof that the baby growing inside me is doing well and getting bigger.
As we waited for the doctor to come in, I could only lay there and think worst case scenario. My husband grabbed my hand and we just looked at each other, not saying a word.
The doctor came in, did a second ultrasound scan, and while she could see the yolk sac/fetal pole, she said that it didn't look like the pregnancy was progress like she had hoped it would. She wanted to talk to us in her office after I got dressed.
She compared the ultrasound from this week to last weeks, and the look on her face basically said it. While she didn't rule it a pregnancy loss yet, she wants us to come in on Tuesday for a final scan to see what happens. She said that by that point we should be able to see a heartbeat, and if we can't....then we will discuss "options".
It just feels so grim.
Knowing, but also not knowing, that there's potentially a non-viable fetus inside of me.
It's the unknown that's the hardest. I feel like I have no control...and I while I know that I don't have control because all this is in God's court, still, I wish I could understand what and why this is happening. I feel like it's been an arduous journey to even get here to this point, only to have the rug pulled out from under us in a hot second.
We're in a place of wait and see.
It's crazy to me how we could go from such pure joy to devastation in a matter of seconds. While I don't know if I will have a miscarriage or not at this point, my gut tells me that we probably will. The optimistic side of my brain is grasping to the tiny shred of hope that the baby may progress at least a little bit by Tuesday.
However, I will say, that I am so thankful and grateful that we were even able to get pregnant naturally...or as the office calls it "spontaneously". Seeing that positive pregnancy test was pure joy. I was shocked and couldn't believe my eyes. I know that for many, many couples out there, this isn't even a possibility. So I am really thankful that we know that getting pregnant is a possibility for us. I'm trying to find the silver lining in between sobbing for the unknown.
Have you ever been through something like this?
Positive
The craziest thing happened today.
We got a positive pregnancy test.
I've never had a positive pregnancy test before. I also didn't believe it when I saw the plus sign on the Clear Blue Easy test.
In fact, while I was waiting the three minutes for the test to work, and two minutes and forty seconds had passed by and there was still nothing showing up...I almost gave up. When my timer went off, however, I looked at the test and there it was.
A strong plus sign.
WHAT?
I was in shock. I didn't believe it. We've never had a positive test before. Granted, I've only ever tested twice before this...but the first is definitely amazing.
Being myself, I googled the possibilities of false positives. I read that false negatives are more common than false positives.
I took the test and brought it out to the living room where my husband was working out. I said, "So I decided to take this test and..." and I showed him the stick. He didn't believe it either. He said, "Wait...what? It's positive?"
He stopped what he was doing and gave me a big hug as we both cried happy tears.
We were lucky that it also happened to be one of the days that he worked from home. Just as I was trying to figure out what to do next after having a positive pregnancy test, I made a call to my OBGYN to schedule an appointment. About thirty minutes later, our RE's office calls because they want to run some more tests since the records they pulled from my OBGYN were out of date.
That's when I told them that I just took a pregnancy test and it was positive.
A spontaneous pregnancy.
I still can't believe it.
The RE's office told me that if I could come in before noon for a blood draw (including the tests they wanted to run) they could give me results after lunchtime. So we quickly made that appointment and got there by 10:30.
We got to the doctor's office and after a few minutes they called my name to take me back to have my blood drawn. Throughout the day I was nervous, simply because I've never had a positive pregnancy test before. They told me that following my results they might ask me to come in for a follow up beta hCG test to make sure my levels were doubling properly.
Waiting until after lunchtime felt like slow painful torture. I just wanted to know the results!
At 3:45, with their office closing at 4:30, I stopped being patient and called the office. I finally got a hold of our nurse and she told me that I was definitely and "very" pregnant with a beta hCG of 9,000 and that I did not need to come in for a follow up. They were, however, going to prescribe me the drug Prometrium to maintain and increase my progesterone levels, since it was at 18.
Oh my goodness, I couldn't even believe it. Confirmed by a blood test. We are pregnant! (I am, haha).
We told our parents and siblings over Skype and FaceTime since we couldn't just keep the news to ourselves.
We'll go back to our RE's office for our first ultrasound next week. How am I even going to keep it together to wait these next seven days?!
We got a positive pregnancy test.
I've never had a positive pregnancy test before. I also didn't believe it when I saw the plus sign on the Clear Blue Easy test.
In fact, while I was waiting the three minutes for the test to work, and two minutes and forty seconds had passed by and there was still nothing showing up...I almost gave up. When my timer went off, however, I looked at the test and there it was.
A strong plus sign.
WHAT?
I was in shock. I didn't believe it. We've never had a positive test before. Granted, I've only ever tested twice before this...but the first is definitely amazing.
Being myself, I googled the possibilities of false positives. I read that false negatives are more common than false positives.
I took the test and brought it out to the living room where my husband was working out. I said, "So I decided to take this test and..." and I showed him the stick. He didn't believe it either. He said, "Wait...what? It's positive?"
He stopped what he was doing and gave me a big hug as we both cried happy tears.
We were lucky that it also happened to be one of the days that he worked from home. Just as I was trying to figure out what to do next after having a positive pregnancy test, I made a call to my OBGYN to schedule an appointment. About thirty minutes later, our RE's office calls because they want to run some more tests since the records they pulled from my OBGYN were out of date.
That's when I told them that I just took a pregnancy test and it was positive.
A spontaneous pregnancy.
I still can't believe it.
The RE's office told me that if I could come in before noon for a blood draw (including the tests they wanted to run) they could give me results after lunchtime. So we quickly made that appointment and got there by 10:30.
We got to the doctor's office and after a few minutes they called my name to take me back to have my blood drawn. Throughout the day I was nervous, simply because I've never had a positive pregnancy test before. They told me that following my results they might ask me to come in for a follow up beta hCG test to make sure my levels were doubling properly.
Waiting until after lunchtime felt like slow painful torture. I just wanted to know the results!
At 3:45, with their office closing at 4:30, I stopped being patient and called the office. I finally got a hold of our nurse and she told me that I was definitely and "very" pregnant with a beta hCG of 9,000 and that I did not need to come in for a follow up. They were, however, going to prescribe me the drug Prometrium to maintain and increase my progesterone levels, since it was at 18.
Oh my goodness, I couldn't even believe it. Confirmed by a blood test. We are pregnant! (I am, haha).
We told our parents and siblings over Skype and FaceTime since we couldn't just keep the news to ourselves.
We'll go back to our RE's office for our first ultrasound next week. How am I even going to keep it together to wait these next seven days?!
Cycle Day 40: The Wait Continues
Oh the wait.
I suppose that if I had a normal cycle, I would have already taken a test.
But I don't. When you have PCOS, you have an irregular cycle. I've had irregular cycles most of my life (thought I didn't know it until I was in college)...although I have been having fairly regular 31-32 day cycles.
This time, however, here we are again at cycle day 40. When you have an irregular cycle, you're supposed to wait at least until you have the longest cycle you've had. For me, that's around 42-45 days.
I don't want to negotiate with God. Like, "Okay God, if this happens then this..." or something similar. I know that he has perfect timing in everything that happens, so even if I don't understand, He does.
Cycle Day 42 is on Wednesday. I think that will be the day that I test, should nothing happen between now and then.
I had 41 day cycles in January and March, so while this could be that (we'll see tomorrow), I'm also cautiously optimistic. I know that if this is our time, that it will truly have been a miracle. Seriously.
One of the things that is shaping my positive outlook is the fact that I ovulated this month - the blood test I had a week and a half ago showed that. I've also had sore boobs and frequent urination.
You better believe that I've been Googling "early pregnancy symptoms" and "when to take a pregnancy test."
And you may be wondering why I haven't gotten it over with and just taken one already.
Because my pragmatic side and my idealistic side don't jive.
It's kind of ridiculous.
I'm also naturally frugal, so I don't want to "waste" a test, which some may consider silly. However, considering that the very first pregnancy test I ever took (about a year ago), I totally botched (I did it wrong)...I don't want to make an expensive mistake again. Ha!
I know that I could order those cheap tests off of Amazon, but I haven't done that yet.
So I'm just practicing patience and trust in God's plan for all of this and on Wednesday, I'll take a test...
What would you do?
I suppose that if I had a normal cycle, I would have already taken a test.
But I don't. When you have PCOS, you have an irregular cycle. I've had irregular cycles most of my life (thought I didn't know it until I was in college)...although I have been having fairly regular 31-32 day cycles.
This time, however, here we are again at cycle day 40. When you have an irregular cycle, you're supposed to wait at least until you have the longest cycle you've had. For me, that's around 42-45 days.
I don't want to negotiate with God. Like, "Okay God, if this happens then this..." or something similar. I know that he has perfect timing in everything that happens, so even if I don't understand, He does.
Cycle Day 42 is on Wednesday. I think that will be the day that I test, should nothing happen between now and then.
I had 41 day cycles in January and March, so while this could be that (we'll see tomorrow), I'm also cautiously optimistic. I know that if this is our time, that it will truly have been a miracle. Seriously.
One of the things that is shaping my positive outlook is the fact that I ovulated this month - the blood test I had a week and a half ago showed that. I've also had sore boobs and frequent urination.
You better believe that I've been Googling "early pregnancy symptoms" and "when to take a pregnancy test."
And you may be wondering why I haven't gotten it over with and just taken one already.
Because my pragmatic side and my idealistic side don't jive.
It's kind of ridiculous.
I'm also naturally frugal, so I don't want to "waste" a test, which some may consider silly. However, considering that the very first pregnancy test I ever took (about a year ago), I totally botched (I did it wrong)...I don't want to make an expensive mistake again. Ha!
I know that I could order those cheap tests off of Amazon, but I haven't done that yet.
So I'm just practicing patience and trust in God's plan for all of this and on Wednesday, I'll take a test...
What would you do?
Our New RE // Cycle Day 37
Last week we had our appointment with a new reproductive endocrinologist.
It was a great experience! I'm so happy that we have found her and feel so reassured after meeting with her. Like a mentioned in my previous post, it was important to me to find a female reproductive endocrinologist. It's not that I don't trust men, it's just that I don't think male doctors who work in the lady part department will ever FULLY grasp what it's like. Sure they can try to empathize and if their wife has ever gone through infertility they can kind of get it....but it's just not quite the same as a female doctor who has had experience with infertility herself.
The experience was excellent from the get-go. I called the make the appointment and the receptionist was super friendly and got me set up in a jiffy. The day before my appointment someone called to confirm and had a bright and cheerful voice on the phone. (I point this out because the medical assistant at my OBGYN's office has the worst phone voice ever...as if it's torture for her to be talking on the phone - she sounds so bored and annoyed.)
That, in and of itself, made me calmer and look forward to the appointment.
My husband came to the appointment with me and though he technically was not required to be there, I was really happy to have him by my side. After the usual wait in a doctor's office and filling out some additional paperwork, I had my vitals taken, and we were led into the doctor's office.
Her office was bright, with comfy chairs and colorful pillows - definitely a woman's office! Dr. T came in and greeted us with a smile on her face. (I point out these details because they make a difference - to me at least!) She took time to take our history and ask relevant questions. I could tell that she was really listening and trying to get a good understanding of our current situation. It felt nice to talk to someone who was really listening and interested. We talked about my PCOS, when I was diagnosed, what I've done to manage it, and she even gave me some more understanding about what was going on.
My husband had just had an SA the week before this RE appointment. Unfortunately, we had not yet received the results...which you know can make anyone nervous. We didn't receive the results until the end of the week and spoiler alert - he's normal!
After taking our histories, the doctor took us in for an ultrasound to check things out. It was the first time that I had a doctor (and not an ultrasound tech) do the vaginal ultrasound. She pointed out everything as she was going and it was the first time that anything had ever been really pointed out to me. Good news, she counted follicles (so it seems like eggs are not currently an issue) and it looked like one of them was nice and big for ovulation. She ordered a blood test to check to see if I had ovulated as well.
Overall, I was just thrilled with how the appointment went. She was very friendly and warm - something that I feel is hard to come by with doctors. When it comes to something like this, infertility, I need someone who is going to be empathetic and sensitive to the experience. I wouldn't do well with someone who was all "JUST THE FACTS". I know some people prefer that, but not me. I like the warm fuzzies. It helps so much with the trust factor.
It was such a contrast from my experience last year. I also had a year of infertility experience and further understanding, but also the doctor herself was a dream in comparison. And let's just say that I had heard no reassuring comments about last year's doctor through the grapevine.
So the plan is to wait until my next cycle, do one more medicated cycle but with Femara, and see what happens before exploring IUI's etc. The doctor says we're "boring" (in a good way) and that because of the PCOS we may just need a little extra nudge in the direction of getting knocked up.
And now we wait.
Oh waiting. It's not for the faint of heart or the patient. Ha.
Well, I got the lab results from my blood test to check for ovulation and I measured at 16. The nurse said that they like anything above an 11 to indicate ovulation, so I hope this is good sign. The great thing is that even if this cycle doesn't result in pregnancy, I feel 110% confident in my new doctor to help us.
Here we are...cycle day 37.
I have to wait until at least CD 42 or 45 before testing...I know I could test...but I'm so pragmatic I don't want to waste them! Haha.
It was a great experience! I'm so happy that we have found her and feel so reassured after meeting with her. Like a mentioned in my previous post, it was important to me to find a female reproductive endocrinologist. It's not that I don't trust men, it's just that I don't think male doctors who work in the lady part department will ever FULLY grasp what it's like. Sure they can try to empathize and if their wife has ever gone through infertility they can kind of get it....but it's just not quite the same as a female doctor who has had experience with infertility herself.
The experience was excellent from the get-go. I called the make the appointment and the receptionist was super friendly and got me set up in a jiffy. The day before my appointment someone called to confirm and had a bright and cheerful voice on the phone. (I point this out because the medical assistant at my OBGYN's office has the worst phone voice ever...as if it's torture for her to be talking on the phone - she sounds so bored and annoyed.)
That, in and of itself, made me calmer and look forward to the appointment.
My husband came to the appointment with me and though he technically was not required to be there, I was really happy to have him by my side. After the usual wait in a doctor's office and filling out some additional paperwork, I had my vitals taken, and we were led into the doctor's office.
Her office was bright, with comfy chairs and colorful pillows - definitely a woman's office! Dr. T came in and greeted us with a smile on her face. (I point out these details because they make a difference - to me at least!) She took time to take our history and ask relevant questions. I could tell that she was really listening and trying to get a good understanding of our current situation. It felt nice to talk to someone who was really listening and interested. We talked about my PCOS, when I was diagnosed, what I've done to manage it, and she even gave me some more understanding about what was going on.
My husband had just had an SA the week before this RE appointment. Unfortunately, we had not yet received the results...which you know can make anyone nervous. We didn't receive the results until the end of the week and spoiler alert - he's normal!
After taking our histories, the doctor took us in for an ultrasound to check things out. It was the first time that I had a doctor (and not an ultrasound tech) do the vaginal ultrasound. She pointed out everything as she was going and it was the first time that anything had ever been really pointed out to me. Good news, she counted follicles (so it seems like eggs are not currently an issue) and it looked like one of them was nice and big for ovulation. She ordered a blood test to check to see if I had ovulated as well.
Overall, I was just thrilled with how the appointment went. She was very friendly and warm - something that I feel is hard to come by with doctors. When it comes to something like this, infertility, I need someone who is going to be empathetic and sensitive to the experience. I wouldn't do well with someone who was all "JUST THE FACTS". I know some people prefer that, but not me. I like the warm fuzzies. It helps so much with the trust factor.
It was such a contrast from my experience last year. I also had a year of infertility experience and further understanding, but also the doctor herself was a dream in comparison. And let's just say that I had heard no reassuring comments about last year's doctor through the grapevine.
So the plan is to wait until my next cycle, do one more medicated cycle but with Femara, and see what happens before exploring IUI's etc. The doctor says we're "boring" (in a good way) and that because of the PCOS we may just need a little extra nudge in the direction of getting knocked up.
And now we wait.
Oh waiting. It's not for the faint of heart or the patient. Ha.
Well, I got the lab results from my blood test to check for ovulation and I measured at 16. The nurse said that they like anything above an 11 to indicate ovulation, so I hope this is good sign. The great thing is that even if this cycle doesn't result in pregnancy, I feel 110% confident in my new doctor to help us.
Here we are...cycle day 37.
I have to wait until at least CD 42 or 45 before testing...I know I could test...but I'm so pragmatic I don't want to waste them! Haha.
Finding a Reproductive Endocrinologist
Well, the time has come.
I made an appointment to see a specialist officially.
Our new insurance has settled into place and I opted to go see a different RE's office from last year.
Last June, on recommendation from my OBGYN, I went to see a reproductive endocrinologist for a consultation. Now, I don't know if I was having an off day, or if the doctor was in a rush, but I didn't get a good feeling from the consultation.
I felt like just another number. I also went to the consultation alone, so I felt a little flustered and I totally forgot about questions I had wanted to ask.
Basically, the experience was not high on my list of "best things ever." I just got a weird vibe. Plus, it felt like the doctor didn't care that I had already had some medicated cycles. He wanted to take me through the exact same process and our insurance (at the time) wasn't going to cover any of it. (What every women going through infertility wants to hear, hooray!)
We went back to my OBGYN (because pragmatism usually wins in my brain) and tried a couple more cycles of Clomid. After the cycle from October did not work, we decided to take a break from the drugs. Who knew what all they were doing to my system. My ovaries needed a break.
In May, we decided to revisit the medicated cycles with my OBGYN. We started Clomid at the beginning of June's cycle...and well, here we are.
Due to complications with our new insurance and all the changeover and new rules and such, we were not able to obtain medications to do another medicated cycle in July. It was totally frustrating and insurance companies are SUCH A RACKET...let's just say that the beginning of this month was not a walk in the park.
A couple weeks in, we celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary, and by that time I was strangely at peace. There was nothing that I could do and all we could do was wait.
I finally bit the bullet and did some research within our insurance network as well as the local Facebook group I'm in for recommendations for RE's offices. There were some criteria I was looking for:
1. Female doctor - When it comes to lady parts.... I just don't trust male doctors. In my opinion because they don't have said lady parts, they will never TRULY understand what it's like to be pregnant, have a period, not be able to get pregnant or go through IVF. Sure, they can have the male perspective, but I'm unconvinced that a male doctor really gets it. I know, I know, it's totally a personal problem...but I can't help to think that it would be weird for a man to see a female urologist...she can't know what that's like either.
2. Background and understanding of PCOS - Since I believe our conundrum has to do with anovulation due to PCOS, I want my doctor to have a good understanding of PCOS and everything that comes with it.
Sure, some people look for the doctor's with the best success rates...but how do you really know if those numbers aren't skewed in the positive. How do we know that all the failures are not accounted for.
These two things were really important to me.
I'll be honest, I'm nervous about our appointment tomorrow. I don't know what's in store. I do know that it's simply a consultation and the doctor will probably recommend a basic course of "treatment".
On another note, it's kind of frustrating...this whole healthcare system. It just seems like a different, but similar version of our government. Lots of hoops to jump through. Lots of bureaucracy. Lots of red tape.
Anyway, my OBGYN referred my husband for an SA since we hadn't done one already and our new insurance won't approve fertility treatments without one on file. (SEE THOSE HOOPS...I get it, but still). He went last week when I was out of town and the results have been sent to my OBGYN...but she just got back from vacation and has to review the results before they can tell us the results. And when you're not the most patient person in the world, it's pretty frustrating to have to wait for test results when you know THEY HAVE THE RESULTS.
Plus, since we're going to see the specialist tomorrow...I kind of want to know what the results are so that we can give that information to the doctor which will help with next steps.
But you know what...there's nothing I can do about that. I can pray that we'll have some answers tomorrow before our appointment and if we don't, I'll just have to roll with it.
Here's to a great appointment tomorrow!
I already have a feeling that I will like this office better - female doctor and super friendly staff. The woman who called to confirm my appointment was so nice on the phone...I was very impressed.
I made an appointment to see a specialist officially.
Our new insurance has settled into place and I opted to go see a different RE's office from last year.
Last June, on recommendation from my OBGYN, I went to see a reproductive endocrinologist for a consultation. Now, I don't know if I was having an off day, or if the doctor was in a rush, but I didn't get a good feeling from the consultation.
I felt like just another number. I also went to the consultation alone, so I felt a little flustered and I totally forgot about questions I had wanted to ask.
Basically, the experience was not high on my list of "best things ever." I just got a weird vibe. Plus, it felt like the doctor didn't care that I had already had some medicated cycles. He wanted to take me through the exact same process and our insurance (at the time) wasn't going to cover any of it. (What every women going through infertility wants to hear, hooray!)
We went back to my OBGYN (because pragmatism usually wins in my brain) and tried a couple more cycles of Clomid. After the cycle from October did not work, we decided to take a break from the drugs. Who knew what all they were doing to my system. My ovaries needed a break.
In May, we decided to revisit the medicated cycles with my OBGYN. We started Clomid at the beginning of June's cycle...and well, here we are.
Due to complications with our new insurance and all the changeover and new rules and such, we were not able to obtain medications to do another medicated cycle in July. It was totally frustrating and insurance companies are SUCH A RACKET...let's just say that the beginning of this month was not a walk in the park.
A couple weeks in, we celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary, and by that time I was strangely at peace. There was nothing that I could do and all we could do was wait.
I finally bit the bullet and did some research within our insurance network as well as the local Facebook group I'm in for recommendations for RE's offices. There were some criteria I was looking for:
1. Female doctor - When it comes to lady parts.... I just don't trust male doctors. In my opinion because they don't have said lady parts, they will never TRULY understand what it's like to be pregnant, have a period, not be able to get pregnant or go through IVF. Sure, they can have the male perspective, but I'm unconvinced that a male doctor really gets it. I know, I know, it's totally a personal problem...but I can't help to think that it would be weird for a man to see a female urologist...she can't know what that's like either.
2. Background and understanding of PCOS - Since I believe our conundrum has to do with anovulation due to PCOS, I want my doctor to have a good understanding of PCOS and everything that comes with it.
Sure, some people look for the doctor's with the best success rates...but how do you really know if those numbers aren't skewed in the positive. How do we know that all the failures are not accounted for.
These two things were really important to me.
I'll be honest, I'm nervous about our appointment tomorrow. I don't know what's in store. I do know that it's simply a consultation and the doctor will probably recommend a basic course of "treatment".
On another note, it's kind of frustrating...this whole healthcare system. It just seems like a different, but similar version of our government. Lots of hoops to jump through. Lots of bureaucracy. Lots of red tape.
Anyway, my OBGYN referred my husband for an SA since we hadn't done one already and our new insurance won't approve fertility treatments without one on file. (SEE THOSE HOOPS...I get it, but still). He went last week when I was out of town and the results have been sent to my OBGYN...but she just got back from vacation and has to review the results before they can tell us the results. And when you're not the most patient person in the world, it's pretty frustrating to have to wait for test results when you know THEY HAVE THE RESULTS.
Plus, since we're going to see the specialist tomorrow...I kind of want to know what the results are so that we can give that information to the doctor which will help with next steps.
But you know what...there's nothing I can do about that. I can pray that we'll have some answers tomorrow before our appointment and if we don't, I'll just have to roll with it.
Here's to a great appointment tomorrow!
I already have a feeling that I will like this office better - female doctor and super friendly staff. The woman who called to confirm my appointment was so nice on the phone...I was very impressed.
False Alarm
I had promised myself that I wouldn't freak out. That I wouldn't throw a fit. That I wouldn't get depressed.
Well, when I started to spot last Thursday, on Day 32, I was so sad and disappointed.
I had told myself that I wasn't going to let it affect me like it had previously, but it did. Bigger than I expected.
Because this was our first medicated cycle after taking a break for six months, I was really hopeful. I thought also because I had lost another 10-15lbs that it would help things along as well.
Everything was going well, or so I thought.
But then, like old reliable, on Day 32 (why are my cycles 32 days?!), I started to spot and the red tide arrived.
Thursday was hard. I was really upset. I was disappointed. I was discouraged.
Why does it all have to be so hard? Why is it so hard for us and so easy for others? I know I'm not supposed to compare lives and I don't know the backstories for other people, but still.
Some people get sneezed on, then boom. Teenagers barely do anything, and boom.
But I'm done being upset. It's not getting me anywhere.
Instead, I binge-watched Finding Carter all weekend long. I became obsessed with the show. Hey, there's nothing a little binge-watching can't fix, right?
Onto the next cycle.
I actually have my annual OBGYN appointment tomorrow, and unfortunately, we've missed the window to try Clomid for this cycle. So I guess we'll just see how things play out naturally and then move on to see a specialist next.
Day 31: Hello July...still waiting
I, for one, cannot believe that it's already July.
This marks the official halfway point of the year. It's an understatement to say this year has flown by for me.
It's been an interesting year, for sure.
At the end of last year I left my terrible full-time job. Honestly, I could have stayed, but it was a toxic environment and I just couldn't take it for my own sanity. My boss was not cut out to ever be a boss, and that's tough when he is the owner of the company too. Our work ethics just did not align. And maybe I just needed to put my head down, focus, and work.
But sometimes, all that stress, aggravation, discontent is just not worth the paycheck.
I thought I had a miserable job before, but this one definitely takes the crown and glory for worst job ever. It probably would have been better for me if I could relate on a cultural level. But I'm not making excuses for that place anymore.
I'm convinced that we were not able to get pregnant while I was working there because of the stress. Hormonal issues too, but I think the stress played a huge part of it. I almost tried to go on stress leave. Get a note from a doctor to take a couple weeks off. Seriously. Makes me crazy thinking about it.
After leaving that job, I decided to focus 100% of my time on my portrait photography business. I'm a high school senior photographer, specializing in portraits for smart, shy girls. And you know what? I'm haven't replaced my previous income with it yet, although I'm getting closer, but I'm 100% happier than when I was working at what I lovingly refer to as "The Sweat Shop" (not too far from the truth, haha).
So here we are. 6 months into 2015. Starting the 7th month.
Still nothing yet as far as knowing if we put a bun in the over or not. Which is good so far. I'm counting my blessings instead of stressing out over it.
Although, yeah, I'm a little stressed. But I know that's bad, so I'm going to go do some deep breathing.
I'm planning to take a test this weekend. I go to my OBGYN on Tuesday for my annual well woman exam, so hopefully my doc will be able to tell me what to expect....either way.
This marks the official halfway point of the year. It's an understatement to say this year has flown by for me.
It's been an interesting year, for sure.
At the end of last year I left my terrible full-time job. Honestly, I could have stayed, but it was a toxic environment and I just couldn't take it for my own sanity. My boss was not cut out to ever be a boss, and that's tough when he is the owner of the company too. Our work ethics just did not align. And maybe I just needed to put my head down, focus, and work.
But sometimes, all that stress, aggravation, discontent is just not worth the paycheck.
I thought I had a miserable job before, but this one definitely takes the crown and glory for worst job ever. It probably would have been better for me if I could relate on a cultural level. But I'm not making excuses for that place anymore.
I'm convinced that we were not able to get pregnant while I was working there because of the stress. Hormonal issues too, but I think the stress played a huge part of it. I almost tried to go on stress leave. Get a note from a doctor to take a couple weeks off. Seriously. Makes me crazy thinking about it.
After leaving that job, I decided to focus 100% of my time on my portrait photography business. I'm a high school senior photographer, specializing in portraits for smart, shy girls. And you know what? I'm haven't replaced my previous income with it yet, although I'm getting closer, but I'm 100% happier than when I was working at what I lovingly refer to as "The Sweat Shop" (not too far from the truth, haha).
So here we are. 6 months into 2015. Starting the 7th month.
Still nothing yet as far as knowing if we put a bun in the over or not. Which is good so far. I'm counting my blessings instead of stressing out over it.
Although, yeah, I'm a little stressed. But I know that's bad, so I'm going to go do some deep breathing.
I'm planning to take a test this weekend. I go to my OBGYN on Tuesday for my annual well woman exam, so hopefully my doc will be able to tell me what to expect....either way.
Day 28: Still Waiting
Yesterday marked Day 28 of this cycle.
It's crazy how aware you become of what day it is when you're keeping track of your cycles.
To most people that probably means nothing.
To a woman who is trying to conceive (TTC) or struggling with infertility it means a whole lot more.
So technically speaking the two week wait is over. I could theoretically take a pregnancy test if I wanted to.
AF did not arrive yesterday, so that's definitely a good sign.
Yet, I don't want to put all my hopeful eggs in one basket, if that metaphor makes sense.
Logically, I know I should at least wait until when my period is due and wait for that to be officially "late". And then I should probably wait another seven days after that.
Such a waiting game.
And I don't want to freak out or stress out about this because I know that's not good either. Maybe I'll go meditate. My favorite part of meditation? Falling asleep in corpse pose...that's what it's called, right yoga aficionados?
Well, we bought a set of pregnancy tests this weekend, but I'm definitely waiting to test because in the words of my pragmatic brain, I don't want to "waste" them. But it's true.
I know that I could purchase cheapie tests on Amazon, but again, I don't want to be wasteful...and let's face it, I also don't want to know the answer yet.
I do.
But I don't.
And I know that it won't be the end of the world if we are not pregnant this cycle. Just another month ahead of waiting and seeking.
On the other hand, I might go out of my mind if it is positive.
I'm trying not to wrap up my emotions in the outcome of the test. Clearly, I'm not doing that great of a job.
I will be fine either way (one more fine than the other, obviously). I trust the plan that is being carved out for us. I trust the big guy upstairs. Although, I'll admit, it's a constant reminder to myself that it's his timing, not my own. His plans, not my own. It's not easy.
I'm also really excited. Cautiously so, of course. And on the same note, I'm also really nervous.
So maybe I should get back to that idea of meditation to clear my fears and worries and focus on the positive.
And of course, the other logical thing is that I could just find out now...theoretically. I could test and just see what happens. But I decided that I would at least wait until AF is projected to arrive, which is Friday, July 3.
Considering that my cycles for the majority of 2014 and early 2015 have been about 31-33 days, I think it makes sense to wait at least until then to see what happens.
This journey is so crazy. I'm sure it's worth it, but gosh, the emotional roller coaster is not for the faint of heart.
It's crazy how aware you become of what day it is when you're keeping track of your cycles.
To most people that probably means nothing.
To a woman who is trying to conceive (TTC) or struggling with infertility it means a whole lot more.
So technically speaking the two week wait is over. I could theoretically take a pregnancy test if I wanted to.
AF did not arrive yesterday, so that's definitely a good sign.
Yet, I don't want to put all my hopeful eggs in one basket, if that metaphor makes sense.
Logically, I know I should at least wait until when my period is due and wait for that to be officially "late". And then I should probably wait another seven days after that.
Such a waiting game.
And I don't want to freak out or stress out about this because I know that's not good either. Maybe I'll go meditate. My favorite part of meditation? Falling asleep in corpse pose...that's what it's called, right yoga aficionados?
Well, we bought a set of pregnancy tests this weekend, but I'm definitely waiting to test because in the words of my pragmatic brain, I don't want to "waste" them. But it's true.
I know that I could purchase cheapie tests on Amazon, but again, I don't want to be wasteful...and let's face it, I also don't want to know the answer yet.
I do.
But I don't.
And I know that it won't be the end of the world if we are not pregnant this cycle. Just another month ahead of waiting and seeking.
On the other hand, I might go out of my mind if it is positive.
I'm trying not to wrap up my emotions in the outcome of the test. Clearly, I'm not doing that great of a job.
I will be fine either way (one more fine than the other, obviously). I trust the plan that is being carved out for us. I trust the big guy upstairs. Although, I'll admit, it's a constant reminder to myself that it's his timing, not my own. His plans, not my own. It's not easy.
I'm also really excited. Cautiously so, of course. And on the same note, I'm also really nervous.
So maybe I should get back to that idea of meditation to clear my fears and worries and focus on the positive.
And of course, the other logical thing is that I could just find out now...theoretically. I could test and just see what happens. But I decided that I would at least wait until AF is projected to arrive, which is Friday, July 3.
Considering that my cycles for the majority of 2014 and early 2015 have been about 31-33 days, I think it makes sense to wait at least until then to see what happens.
This journey is so crazy. I'm sure it's worth it, but gosh, the emotional roller coaster is not for the faint of heart.
The Two Week Wait
For anyone who is trying to get pregnant, you probably know what the two week wait is. It's that two week window from the time you ovulate until you can take a pregnancy test.
Well, we are in the two week wait. I try not to stress out about it, or hang all my dreams in the outcome of that test, but it's hard you know?
This past weekend, we flew out to Atlanta to hang out with my husband's family and we got to see our not so little nephew. He turns 9 months today, and is huge! He's exceeding all the markers (I think!) He's cute and such a sweet baby. He will be walking in no time.
I'm not going to lie, seeing him, getting to hang out with him, and seeing my husband interacting with him, just about made my ovaries burst. I know that my husband will be a great dad and they were so sweet together.
We went to the Georgia Aquarium, which was pretty cool, especially with the walk through shark tank. We also went to the World of Coca Cola, and before you get to walk through the exhibits, they show this short movie. It was about sharing a Coke, but really it was people sharing and doing life together. There was one part where a couple was surprising a set of parents about becoming grandparents.
I almost started crying. Like, I felt it tug on my heartstrings. I want to do that for my parents and my in-laws. I want to see their faces and their reactions when we can finally tell them that we are expecting our own.
It's in times of waiting that you really learn about yourself and your faith. Do I trust God or am I putting my trust in myself? I know for a fact that I won't be able to do this without God. Only He is able to do amazing and miraculous things, and whenever we are blessed with a baby, it will truly be a gift and a miracle from God.
Living in a very NOW society, where people can get what they want nearly instantaneously, it's hard to wait. It's difficult to be patient. When we don't get what we want when we want it, we start to wonder if God is still out there and listening to us or not.
God is there. He is listening. But His plans are not our own.
This has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. My plans are good, but His plans are greater.
I have to trust that He has a plan for us and for our lives, and even though we may not understand His plan at this time, he is refining us for the future.
More often than not, that is way harder for me to understand than it is to type.
So here we are. In a season of waiting...within a season of waiting.
I believe that we can be parents, but I won't be wrapping my life's happiness and joy in this month's cycle. I know that's the hard part.
I have this inner battle - of being cautiously optimistic and realistic....but then I have to remind myself that God is able to do abundantly more that I could ever ask or imagine. He is able when I am not. He can do more than I ever could. However, it will all unfold in HIS timing, not my own!
Well, we are in the two week wait. I try not to stress out about it, or hang all my dreams in the outcome of that test, but it's hard you know?
This past weekend, we flew out to Atlanta to hang out with my husband's family and we got to see our not so little nephew. He turns 9 months today, and is huge! He's exceeding all the markers (I think!) He's cute and such a sweet baby. He will be walking in no time.
I'm not going to lie, seeing him, getting to hang out with him, and seeing my husband interacting with him, just about made my ovaries burst. I know that my husband will be a great dad and they were so sweet together.
We went to the Georgia Aquarium, which was pretty cool, especially with the walk through shark tank. We also went to the World of Coca Cola, and before you get to walk through the exhibits, they show this short movie. It was about sharing a Coke, but really it was people sharing and doing life together. There was one part where a couple was surprising a set of parents about becoming grandparents.
I almost started crying. Like, I felt it tug on my heartstrings. I want to do that for my parents and my in-laws. I want to see their faces and their reactions when we can finally tell them that we are expecting our own.
It's in times of waiting that you really learn about yourself and your faith. Do I trust God or am I putting my trust in myself? I know for a fact that I won't be able to do this without God. Only He is able to do amazing and miraculous things, and whenever we are blessed with a baby, it will truly be a gift and a miracle from God.
Living in a very NOW society, where people can get what they want nearly instantaneously, it's hard to wait. It's difficult to be patient. When we don't get what we want when we want it, we start to wonder if God is still out there and listening to us or not.
God is there. He is listening. But His plans are not our own.
This has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. My plans are good, but His plans are greater.
I have to trust that He has a plan for us and for our lives, and even though we may not understand His plan at this time, he is refining us for the future.
More often than not, that is way harder for me to understand than it is to type.
So here we are. In a season of waiting...within a season of waiting.
I believe that we can be parents, but I won't be wrapping my life's happiness and joy in this month's cycle. I know that's the hard part.
I have this inner battle - of being cautiously optimistic and realistic....but then I have to remind myself that God is able to do abundantly more that I could ever ask or imagine. He is able when I am not. He can do more than I ever could. However, it will all unfold in HIS timing, not my own!
Day 14: Ovidrel Injection
I went to my Ultrasound appointment and my doctor decided to proceed with the Ovidrel injection to be administered on Day 14, which was yesterday.
Sometimes, this journey just drives me crazy due to the lack of empathy of some people.
So what had happened was...
My doctor prescribed the Ovidrel to induce ovulation.
I visit my local pharmacy, Walgreens, to see if they can fulfill the prescription.
They tell me that they don't keep it in stock, but if I can find a Walgreens that has it in stock, then they can access my prescription through their system.
I call a couple of different Walgreens and they don't have it in stock. They would have to special order it and it would not be available until at least Monday because it usually takes a business day for it to come in. And it was Friday.
So I called my Doctor's office to tell them of my situation. And man, I'm not sure if I spoke to a nurse or a medical assistant (but I'm leaning towards medical assistant) and wow, she did not listen very well.
To make a long story short, about four phone calls later, they finally got their butts in gear and found somewhere I could pick up the Ovidrel. While I was super annoyed at first, I was thankful that they were able to help me eventually.
While stabbing yourself in the stomach isn't the most fun activity, it actually wasn't too bad. I had my husband pinch my skin and I injected the syringe. It didn't even hurt. Just a little prick.
So now we wait. Well, you know, get busy and wait. The injection point doesn't hurt at all, which I'm thankful for. I do also have to use Estradiol suppositories, joy.
I've decided that instead of lamenting over the infertility we've been going through, I'm going to focus on the possibility. I am able to get pregnant. I release the need to control when I get pregnant and I know that I will be pregnant when the time is right.
Yes, those are positive affirmations. And even if I sound silly, I want to focus on what I want instead of what I don't have. I want to spread gratitude. I want to spread abundance.
We'll see!
Day 12: Ultrasound Day
After finally going back to my OBGYN after about a 6 month break from fertility medications, taking a course of Clomid and estrogen supplements, today is the day. Today I will have an ultrasound to see if Clomid worked and if it's viable to trigger ovulation.
The biggest things I struggle with is the probability. Even if the Clomid stimulated follicles to mature and the estrogen supplements helped to thicken the uterine lining, that doesn't guarantee anything.
It's definitely a journey of both science and faith.
Which makes it really difficult to see all the people who it "just happens" for. Because really, there are a whole lot of people out there who it doesn't just "happen" for.
And I know that by comparing myself to other women, I'm only going to drive myself bananas. It's something that I struggle with on the daily and every time I see an announcement, I feel like it's another dig of what I haven't been able to do yet.
I also know that I need to stay faithful. To believe that it is possible. To know that we can become parents someday.
It's truly like fighting an enemy daily to tell him to shut up and go away.
The doubt.
The fear.
The negative, fatalistic thinking.
I have to be positive and go in with the best attitude.
In the last six months, I have lost 15lbs (which I'm hoping helps with the PCOS symptoms) and I'm exercising 5 days a week and eating a generally clean diet. It's hard to know what else I could be doing more of or better at, without making crazy drastic changes (what else is there left to do?)
All in all, I'm excited to go back to the doctor's office today to at least see what's next and what lies ahead. I want to be positive even if the outcome isn't what I'm hoping for. That's the hardest part, and yet the key....
Thoughts on the journey
In the last seven days, three women I know have announced their pregnancies. In the last two weeks, at least 4-5 Facebook friends have given birth.
So here's the tough thing. I don't know anything about their stories and how they got pregnant. Was it easy? Was it difficult? Did it require any medication or help?
One friend announced her pregnancy on Facebook, and for whatever emotional reason, it felt like a jab to my stomach. Which, when I think about it, is stupid, because it's not like she's expecting to spite me. It's not all about me.
But when you're going through infertility, not knowing if you'll ever be able to have your own child that you desire so much, every single pregnancy announcement feels like a reminder of what you have been unable to do for yourself.
As an overachiever in life (I was very competitive when it came to academics, at least in high school), and being able to get good grades and ace exams and the sort, it just feels sort of like a cruel joke that this is so difficult.
Then again, I was never good at sports. I was never good at running. And while I suppose that I could have practiced to my hearts content and improved my running, I still would not be an Olympic contender.
It's weird all the thoughts you have.
Will I ever be a mother? How will it happen? When will it happen?
And for now, we really would like to explore becoming parents naturally.
Adoption is awesome and it a whole other conversation for another time. It's definitely a consideration, but it's not at the forefront of the agenda at this time.
So here's the tough thing. I don't know anything about their stories and how they got pregnant. Was it easy? Was it difficult? Did it require any medication or help?
One friend announced her pregnancy on Facebook, and for whatever emotional reason, it felt like a jab to my stomach. Which, when I think about it, is stupid, because it's not like she's expecting to spite me. It's not all about me.
But when you're going through infertility, not knowing if you'll ever be able to have your own child that you desire so much, every single pregnancy announcement feels like a reminder of what you have been unable to do for yourself.
As an overachiever in life (I was very competitive when it came to academics, at least in high school), and being able to get good grades and ace exams and the sort, it just feels sort of like a cruel joke that this is so difficult.
Then again, I was never good at sports. I was never good at running. And while I suppose that I could have practiced to my hearts content and improved my running, I still would not be an Olympic contender.
It's weird all the thoughts you have.
Will I ever be a mother? How will it happen? When will it happen?
And for now, we really would like to explore becoming parents naturally.
Adoption is awesome and it a whole other conversation for another time. It's definitely a consideration, but it's not at the forefront of the agenda at this time.
Day 5: Clomid
I just finished a course of Clomid for 5 days at 150mg per day. I was slightly worried that I was going to be crazy on that dose, but luckily, I felt totally normal. I know there are other ladies who take Clomid and have crazy side effects. I'm thankful that was not the case.
In addition to the Clomid, I also did Estradiol suppositories for five days. How fun right? (Said no one ever.) I'm thinking the last time I had to do the suppositories, I must have not inserted them correctly (sorry for TMI), and I'm hoping that I did a better job this time.
I'll go in on Friday for an ultrasound to see how the Clomid did it's magic and if my uterine lining is thick enough for implantation.
The annoying thing about Clomid is that it's anti-estrogenic, and actually works against the uterine lining, thus the need for estrogen supplements.
I'm feeling more hopeful this time, but also, I don't want to get my hopes up too high. It's still early in the cycle so it could go either way...if only science were a guarantee. But if it were that simple, there wouldn't be such a desire or yearning for those who have trouble conceiving.
In addition to the Clomid, I also did Estradiol suppositories for five days. How fun right? (Said no one ever.) I'm thinking the last time I had to do the suppositories, I must have not inserted them correctly (sorry for TMI), and I'm hoping that I did a better job this time.
I'll go in on Friday for an ultrasound to see how the Clomid did it's magic and if my uterine lining is thick enough for implantation.
The annoying thing about Clomid is that it's anti-estrogenic, and actually works against the uterine lining, thus the need for estrogen supplements.
I'm feeling more hopeful this time, but also, I don't want to get my hopes up too high. It's still early in the cycle so it could go either way...if only science were a guarantee. But if it were that simple, there wouldn't be such a desire or yearning for those who have trouble conceiving.
What no one tells you about infertility
Infertility was never a challenge I expected to face.
It's probably the hardest obstacle I've ever come in contact with in my life so far.
I feel like I'm fighting against time and resources.
I feel like I'm on the craziest emotional roller coaster I could ever board, and I hate crazy roller coasters.
It's both physically and emotionally draining.
And, while you're feeling ALL THE FEELS, every other woman around you will be pregnant, just announcing her pregnancy, or have just given birth. IT'S CRAZY.
You will feel like you're the only one.
You will feel like there's something wrong with you because if all these other women can get a bun in their oven, why can't you?
And then there are the couples who made an "oops" baby. "Oops we got pregnant by accident" or "We didn't mean to get pregnant". It can be good or bad, hopefully good for the sake of the child.
My message to those people: There are no "oops" babies. Pregnancy is 100% preventable. Your "oops" is merely your laziness and irresponsibility. But now you have a HUGE responsibility to take care of, and you better do it right...your child deserves that.
You feel like you can't share about your struggles because you don't want to be a Debbie-Downer.
People ask you if you want to have kids.
People ask you when you're going to have kids.
And how do you honestly answer that question?
Usually the "we're trying" answer suffices.
Sometimes, that opens up a whole other can of worms that presents itself with all kinds of unwarranted and quite frankly, unwanted advice.
"Just relax and it will happen"
"You'll get pregnant at the right time"
"Don't think about it so much"
or
"Why don't you just adopt?"
Okay, so for the record, that last statement is not any more comforting that the previous ones. Actually, that's probably a way more insensitive thing to say because first, perhaps the couple has looked into it, second, maybe they have decided it's not for them right now, and third, if you knew what it took to adopt....it's not just a "JUST" adopt sort of situation.
Adopting a human is way more involved and complicated than adopting a pet. I imagine that it involved a whole new emotional roller coaster track from infertility treatments...similar...parallel.
Infertility can be one of the loneliest roads you'll ever walk.
It feels like no one truly understands unless they have been through it too.
But perhaps that's the amazing part.
The more I talk to other women about getting pregnant and what it's like, the more I find others who did have a hard time here and there. While it doesn't make up for my own empty womb, it does help to know that I am not alone in this.
Infertility affects 1 in 8 women. 12.5% of the population!
One of the hardest parts of going through infertility is that there is no magic turnkey solution. It works for some and not for others. And as you go through this grueling physical journey, you're faced with an emotional battle you never saw coming. The decisions. The finances. The risks. The outcomes.
Just know that you're not on this journey alone.
My best advice if you're going through infertility:
Find someone to talk to; whether that's a friend who is also going through infertility, a counselor, or just someone you're close to that you trust.
Talk to your spouse or partner.
Find other things to focus on so that you're not dwelling on how you're not pregnant yet. Whether that's a project or new job or new business, or whatever it is, I think it's super helpful to have something else to devote your attention to.
Pray.
Meditate.
Exercise and eat right. If anything, this is just a good idea for your health and fitness.
Day 1: Clomid
After a bit of time off from infertility treatments and drugs, we decided to give Clomid another go. I'm not exactly sure what we'll do after this, but we'll see.
The difference in myself between last time and this time is that now I feel a lot more informed and educated about it. I've done a lot of research on my own so that I can know what I'm putting into my body. While it kind of freaks me out to think that I'm totally messing with my already messed up hormones, at least I know what's happening...without having a doctor's degree.
My hesitation with fertility treatments has definitely been the money factor and lack of success. Like, it really feels like a total waste of money (literally) flushed down the drain when you don't get your desired result. Am I right?
But I know that I can't look at it that way. At least we are doing something. We are taking some action. I feel like this whole endeavor definitely takes one part science and fifty parts faith. So much faith and trust in the unknown and what is to come.
I try and try and try to figure it out on my own, but I know ultimately that it's all in God's hands as to whether or not we get pregnant. As someone who is a control freak (mildly, haha), it's so hard to wrap my brain around that. I could probably do a thousand "right" or "correct" things, but none of that will guarantee anything.
So anyway, we've been on a drug break since October. So about six or seven months have gone by and no baby by our own efforts alone. I went back to see my OBGYN and she put me on another course of Clomid, at a higher dose 150mg/day for 5 days. There's also a little supplementation of estradiol suppositories (joy!) since Clomid is anti-estrogenic...how does that even work out.
Next Friday, I'll go back to the doctor's office for an ultrasound to see how Clomid worked and if I have a viable lining.
While I haven't conquered PCOS completely, I do believe that through my exercise and nutrition efforts, and losing about 15lbs since October, has helped overall. My cycles are irregular, but pretty consistent at 32 days. However, I had two cycles, one that lasted 40 days and one that lasted 45 days. Those were cycles when I got hopeful. I was holding out so hard on going to buy a pregnancy test. And just when I got to the point of deciding to go get one, my period showed up.
So we'll see how this goes. I hope the Clomid doesn't make me too crazy, for my husband's sake!
The difference in myself between last time and this time is that now I feel a lot more informed and educated about it. I've done a lot of research on my own so that I can know what I'm putting into my body. While it kind of freaks me out to think that I'm totally messing with my already messed up hormones, at least I know what's happening...without having a doctor's degree.
My hesitation with fertility treatments has definitely been the money factor and lack of success. Like, it really feels like a total waste of money (literally) flushed down the drain when you don't get your desired result. Am I right?
But I know that I can't look at it that way. At least we are doing something. We are taking some action. I feel like this whole endeavor definitely takes one part science and fifty parts faith. So much faith and trust in the unknown and what is to come.
I try and try and try to figure it out on my own, but I know ultimately that it's all in God's hands as to whether or not we get pregnant. As someone who is a control freak (mildly, haha), it's so hard to wrap my brain around that. I could probably do a thousand "right" or "correct" things, but none of that will guarantee anything.
So anyway, we've been on a drug break since October. So about six or seven months have gone by and no baby by our own efforts alone. I went back to see my OBGYN and she put me on another course of Clomid, at a higher dose 150mg/day for 5 days. There's also a little supplementation of estradiol suppositories (joy!) since Clomid is anti-estrogenic...how does that even work out.
Next Friday, I'll go back to the doctor's office for an ultrasound to see how Clomid worked and if I have a viable lining.
While I haven't conquered PCOS completely, I do believe that through my exercise and nutrition efforts, and losing about 15lbs since October, has helped overall. My cycles are irregular, but pretty consistent at 32 days. However, I had two cycles, one that lasted 40 days and one that lasted 45 days. Those were cycles when I got hopeful. I was holding out so hard on going to buy a pregnancy test. And just when I got to the point of deciding to go get one, my period showed up.
So we'll see how this goes. I hope the Clomid doesn't make me too crazy, for my husband's sake!
You Are Not Alone
I never imagined that infertility would be a part of my life.
You typically imagine your life after high school and college to go a little something like this. Find a job, meet your future husband, get married, buy a house, have kids, enjoy life, and have the cycle repeat.
I didn't think that it would be so hard to not have kids yet in this time of our lives. I remember at the beginning of our marriage, we were conscious that we didn't want to start a family right away. Having spent most of our dating relationship long-distance, we wanted to be able to be together and it be just us for a while.
Once we decided that we were ready and would start trying, we had no idea what lay ahead of us.
Why is the infertility journey such a lonely one?
I think it's because no one really talks about it openly. There's a stigma to infertility. Like you are broken and incomplete. And in this age of social media, where everyone shares their best food forward all the time, openly sharing about infertility is one of the hardest things ever.
I believe that's why there is a strong infertility blogging community. There's something about just writing about your experience that someone may or may not see that is freeing. You can get all your thoughts and share your experiences and struggles, with a whole lot less fear of judgment.
Because the last thing that people going through infertility want is your pity. That is not a helpful reaction. At least it is not for me. I want nothing more than to be able to start our family. While you may be looking for the words to say to comfort a friend who is on this journey of infertility, telling them to "relax" or that it'll "just happen when it's supposed to" or to try old wives tale remedy XYZ is not the thing to say.
We know all those things. We've Googled. We've researched to our hearts content. We're on the constant search for anything and everything that might give us a fighting chance to get pregnant. And let's not even start thinking about how to stay pregnant.
I read a stat that 1 in 8 couples are going through infertility. That's 12.5% of the population! That's crazy. But in a way it's also comforting.
I know that one of the main emotions I have felt during this time in our lives is feeling like we're the only ones. Thanks to Facebook, it's easy to see EVERYONE ELSE who is pregnant, just gave birth, or are expecting their next kid. And all we want is to join that club.
Baby shower invitations feel like jabs to the stomach (though they are not, of course). The baby aisles at Target are adorable and heart wrenching. Gender reveals are so sweet, but you can't help but roll your eyes. You have to smile when you're around pregnant ladies even though you don't want to, AT ALL. It's not their fault. It's not, but when it's the one thing you want most, you can't help it.
A couple of things have helped me during this journey:
Sarah's Laughter Devotionals: I was randomly searching through the devotionals section of the Bible App and I looked up infertility, not expecting to find anything. I was pleasantly surprised to actually find two different devotionals for those needing encouragement during this time. My favorite of the two is Sarah's Laughter. You can also go to their website and sign up for daily encouraging emails which I really enjoy receiving. They always arrive at the right time.
Infertility Blogs: I don't remember when I first started to look for infertility blogs. I think it was around the time that I had been diagnosed with PCOS. I was looking for other people and their experiences with PCOS. That's when I found Chelsea's blog. And then I found Lisa's blog. Check out the list on Lisa's blog for other infertility bloggers.
Focusing on other things: This has been huge for me. I remember when we first realized that we were not going to have an easy time getting pregnant. I focused on it. I obsessed over it. I tried to find every cure, remedy, oil, magic, etc to help us get closer to our goal. But that's what's tricky about infertility. You can do all those things and still have no results. Instead, I decided to focus on my business (I'm a photographer) and on getting fit.
Getting fit: At the beginning of this year, I decided once and for all that I was going to get healthy and fit. Dealing with PCOS makes that a little bit more complicated, but I was not going to let that deter me. In February I joined a challenge group my friend was hosting and it made all the difference to have that kind of accountability in the group. It was great! I decided that I wanted to help others get fit too and became Beachbody Coach. Working on getting fit, while it doesn't make any promises of becoming a parent any time soon, will at least get me closer to my goal, feeling healthier, and happier in the midst of this lonely journey.
What can you do?
If you have a friend or family member who is going through infertility, reach out to them. Don't try to offer suggestions per se, but be there for them. Go out and grab lunch. Go to the movies. Go get a pedicure. Spend quality time with them to show that you care. Pray for them. Pray with them. Offer to let them vent to you, we all just want someone who will listen (to give our spouses a break!).
Be empathetic, not sympathetic. Please don't pity us. You may not understand what it's like, but that's okay. This journey is a unique one that only people who have been through it or are in it truly understand.
Infertility has truly been one of the craziest emotional roller coasters that I have ever been on. It makes me feel crazy. It makes me feel lost. I wish that there was a path carved out with clear directions on which way to go. Do we try more medication? Do we try for an IUI? Do we start saving for IVF? Do we hope that with lifestyle changes we're healthy enough for it to happen naturally? These are the questions constantly running through my head. (Not to mention the biological clock ticking away....)
If you are in the trenches of infertility, know that you are not alone.
