Day 28: Still Waiting

Yesterday marked Day 28 of this cycle.

It's crazy how aware you become of what day it is when you're keeping track of your cycles.

To most people that probably means nothing.

To a woman who is trying to conceive (TTC) or struggling with infertility it means a whole lot more.

So technically speaking the two week wait is over. I could theoretically take a pregnancy test if I wanted to.

AF did not arrive yesterday, so that's definitely a good sign.

Yet, I don't want to put all my hopeful eggs in one basket, if that metaphor makes sense.

Logically, I know I should at least wait until when my period is due and wait for that to be officially "late". And then I should probably wait another seven days after that.

Such a waiting game.

And I don't want to freak out or stress out about this because I know that's not good either. Maybe I'll go meditate. My favorite part of meditation? Falling asleep in corpse pose...that's what it's called, right yoga aficionados?

Well, we bought a set of pregnancy tests this weekend, but I'm definitely waiting to test because in the words of my pragmatic brain, I don't want to "waste" them. But it's true.

I know that I could purchase cheapie tests on Amazon, but again, I don't want to be wasteful...and let's face it, I also don't want to know the answer yet.

I do.

But I don't.

And I know that it won't be the end of the world if we are not pregnant this cycle. Just another month ahead of waiting and seeking.

On the other hand, I might go out of my mind if it is positive.

I'm trying not to wrap up my emotions in the outcome of the test. Clearly, I'm not doing that great of a job.

I will be fine either way (one more fine than the other, obviously). I trust the plan that is being carved out for us. I trust the big guy upstairs. Although, I'll admit, it's a constant reminder to myself that it's his timing, not my own. His plans, not my own. It's not easy.

I'm also really excited. Cautiously so, of course. And on the same note, I'm also really nervous.

So maybe I should get back to that idea of meditation to clear my fears and worries and focus on the positive.

And of course, the other logical thing is that I could just find out now...theoretically. I could test and just see what happens. But I decided that I would at least wait until AF is projected to arrive, which is Friday, July 3.

Considering that my cycles for the majority of 2014 and early 2015 have been about 31-33 days, I think it makes sense to wait at least until then to see what happens.

This journey is so crazy. I'm sure it's worth it, but gosh, the emotional roller coaster is not for the faint of heart.

The Two Week Wait

For anyone who is trying to get pregnant, you probably know what the two week wait is. It's that two week window from the time you ovulate until you can take a pregnancy test.

Well, we are in the two week wait. I try not to stress out about it, or hang all my dreams in the outcome of that test, but it's hard you know?

This past weekend, we flew out to Atlanta to hang out with my husband's family and we got to see our not so little nephew. He turns 9 months today, and is huge! He's exceeding all the markers (I think!) He's cute and such a sweet baby. He will be walking in no time.

I'm not going to lie, seeing him, getting to hang out with him, and seeing my husband interacting with him, just about made my ovaries burst. I know that my husband will be a great dad and they were so sweet together.

We went to the Georgia Aquarium, which was pretty cool, especially with the walk through shark tank. We also went to the World of Coca Cola, and before you get to walk through the exhibits, they show this short movie. It was about sharing a Coke, but really it was people sharing and doing life together. There was one part where a couple was surprising a set of parents about becoming grandparents.

I almost started crying. Like, I felt it tug on my heartstrings. I want to do that for my parents and my in-laws. I want to see their faces and their reactions when we can finally tell them that we are expecting our own.

It's in times of waiting that you really learn about yourself and your faith. Do I trust God or am I putting my trust in myself? I know for a fact that I won't be able to do this without God. Only He is able to do amazing and miraculous things, and whenever we are blessed with a baby, it will truly be a gift and a miracle from God.

Living in a very NOW society, where people can get what they want nearly instantaneously, it's hard to wait. It's difficult to be patient. When we don't get what we want when we want it, we start to wonder if God is still out there and listening to us or not.

God is there. He is listening. But His plans are not our own.

This has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. My plans are good, but His plans are greater.

I have to trust that He has a plan for us and for our lives, and even though we may not understand His plan at this time, he is refining us for the future.

More often than not, that is way harder for me to understand than it is to type.

So here we are. In a season of waiting...within a season of waiting.

I believe that we can be parents, but I won't be wrapping my life's happiness and joy in this month's cycle. I know that's the hard part.

I have this inner battle - of being cautiously optimistic and realistic....but then I have to remind myself that God is able to do abundantly more that I could ever ask or imagine. He is able when I am not. He can do more than I ever could. However, it will all unfold in HIS timing, not my own!

Day 14: Ovidrel Injection

I went to my Ultrasound appointment and my doctor decided to proceed with the Ovidrel injection to be administered on Day 14, which was yesterday. 

Sometimes, this journey just drives me crazy due to the lack of empathy of some people. 

So what had happened was...

My doctor prescribed the Ovidrel to induce ovulation.

I visit my local pharmacy, Walgreens, to see if they can fulfill the prescription.

They tell me that they don't keep it in stock, but if I can find a Walgreens that has it in stock, then they can access my prescription through their system.

I call a couple of different Walgreens and they don't have it in stock. They would have to special order it and it would not be available until at least Monday because it usually takes a business day for it to come in. And it was Friday.


So I called my Doctor's office to tell them of my situation. And man, I'm not sure if I spoke to a nurse or a medical assistant (but I'm leaning towards medical assistant) and wow, she did not listen very well.

To make a long story short, about four phone calls later, they finally got their butts in gear and found somewhere I could pick up the Ovidrel. While I was super annoyed at first, I was thankful that they were able to help me eventually. 

While stabbing yourself in the stomach isn't the most fun activity, it actually wasn't too bad. I had my husband pinch my skin and I injected the syringe. It didn't even hurt. Just a little prick. 

So now we wait. Well, you know, get busy and wait. The injection point doesn't hurt at all, which I'm thankful for. I do also have to use Estradiol suppositories, joy. 

I've decided that instead of lamenting over the infertility we've been going through, I'm going to focus on the possibility. I am able to get pregnant. I release the need to control when I get pregnant and I know that I will be pregnant when the time is right.

Yes, those are positive affirmations. And even if I sound silly, I want to focus on what I want instead of what I don't have. I want to spread gratitude. I want to spread abundance. 

We'll see!


Day 12: Ultrasound Day


After finally going back to my OBGYN after about a 6 month break from fertility medications, taking a course of Clomid and estrogen supplements, today is the day. Today I will have an ultrasound to see if Clomid worked and if it's viable to trigger ovulation.

The biggest things I struggle with is the probability. Even if the Clomid stimulated follicles to mature and the estrogen supplements helped to thicken the uterine lining, that doesn't guarantee anything.

It's definitely a journey of both science and faith.

Which makes it really difficult to see all the people who it "just happens" for. Because really, there are a whole lot of people out there who it doesn't just "happen" for. 

And I know that by comparing myself to other women, I'm only going to drive myself bananas. It's something that I struggle with on the daily and every time I see an announcement, I feel like it's another dig of what I haven't been able to do yet.

I also know that I need to stay faithful. To believe that it is possible. To know that we can become parents someday.

It's truly like fighting an enemy daily to tell him to shut up and go away. 

The doubt. 

The fear.

The negative, fatalistic thinking.

I have to be positive and go in with the best attitude.

In the last six months, I have lost 15lbs (which I'm hoping helps with the PCOS symptoms) and I'm exercising 5 days a week and eating a generally clean diet. It's hard to know what else I could be doing more of or better at, without making crazy drastic changes (what else is there left to do?)

All in all, I'm excited to go back to the doctor's office today to at least see what's next and what lies ahead. I want to be positive even if the outcome isn't what I'm hoping for. That's the hardest part, and yet the key....

Thoughts on the journey

In the last seven days, three women I know have announced their pregnancies. In the last two weeks, at least 4-5 Facebook friends have given birth.

So here's the tough thing. I don't know anything about their stories and how they got pregnant. Was it easy? Was it difficult? Did it require any medication or help?

One friend announced her pregnancy on Facebook, and for whatever emotional reason, it felt like a jab to my stomach. Which, when I think about it, is stupid, because it's not like she's expecting to spite me. It's not all about me.

But when you're going through infertility, not knowing if you'll ever be able to have your own child that you desire so much, every single pregnancy announcement feels like a reminder of what you have been unable to do for yourself.

As an overachiever in life (I was very competitive when it came to academics, at least in high school), and being able to get good grades and ace exams and the sort, it just feels sort of like a cruel joke that this is so difficult.

Then again, I was never good at sports. I was never good at running. And while I suppose that I could have practiced to my hearts content and improved my running, I still would not be an Olympic contender.

It's weird all the thoughts you have.

Will I ever be a mother? How will it happen? When will it happen?

And for now, we really would like to explore becoming parents naturally.

Adoption is awesome and it a whole other conversation for another time. It's definitely a consideration, but it's not at the forefront of the agenda at this time.


Day 5: Clomid

I just finished a course of Clomid for 5 days at 150mg per day. I was slightly worried that I was going to be crazy on that dose, but luckily, I felt totally normal. I know there are other ladies who take Clomid and have crazy side effects. I'm thankful that was not the case.

In addition to the Clomid, I also did Estradiol suppositories for five days. How fun right? (Said no one ever.) I'm thinking the last time I had to do the suppositories, I must have not inserted them correctly (sorry for TMI), and I'm hoping that I did a better job this time.

I'll go in on Friday for an ultrasound to see how the Clomid did it's magic and if my uterine lining is thick enough for implantation.

The annoying thing about Clomid is that it's anti-estrogenic, and actually works against the uterine lining, thus the need for estrogen supplements.

I'm feeling more hopeful this time, but also, I don't want to get my hopes up too high. It's still early in the cycle so it could go either way...if only science were a guarantee. But if it were that simple, there wouldn't be such a desire or yearning for those who have trouble conceiving.

What no one tells you about infertility


Infertility was never a challenge I expected to face.

It's probably the hardest obstacle I've ever come in contact with in my life so far.

I feel like I'm fighting against time and resources. 

I feel like I'm on the craziest emotional roller coaster I could ever board, and I hate crazy roller coasters. 

It's both physically and emotionally draining. 

And, while you're feeling ALL THE FEELS, every other woman around you will be pregnant, just announcing her pregnancy, or have just given birth. IT'S CRAZY.

You will feel like you're the only one.


You will feel like there's something wrong with you because if all these other women can get a bun in their oven, why can't you?

And then there are the couples who made an "oops" baby. "Oops we got pregnant by accident" or "We didn't mean to get pregnant". It can be good or bad, hopefully good for the sake of the child.

My message to those people: There are no "oops" babies. Pregnancy is 100% preventable. Your "oops" is merely your laziness and irresponsibility. But now you have a HUGE responsibility to take care of, and you better do it right...your child deserves that.

You feel like you can't share about your struggles because you don't want to be a Debbie-Downer. 

People ask you if you want to have kids.

People ask you when you're going to have kids.

And how do you honestly answer that question?

Usually the "we're trying" answer suffices.

Sometimes, that opens up a whole other can of worms that presents itself with all kinds of unwarranted and quite frankly, unwanted advice.

"Just relax and it will happen"

"You'll get pregnant at the right time"

"Don't think about it so much"

or

"Why don't you just adopt?"

Okay, so for the record, that last statement is not any more comforting that the previous ones. Actually, that's probably a way more insensitive thing to say because first, perhaps the couple has looked into it, second, maybe they have decided it's not for them right now, and third, if you knew what it took to adopt....it's not just a "JUST" adopt sort of situation.

Adopting a human is way more involved and complicated than adopting a pet. I imagine that it involved a whole new emotional roller coaster track from infertility treatments...similar...parallel.

Infertility can be one of the loneliest roads you'll ever walk. 

It feels like no one truly understands unless they have been through it too.

But perhaps that's the amazing part.

The more I talk to other women about getting pregnant and what it's like, the more I find others who did have a hard time here and there. While it doesn't make up for my own empty womb, it does help to know that I am not alone in this.

Infertility affects 1 in 8 women. 12.5% of the population!

One of the hardest parts of going through infertility is that there is no magic turnkey solution. It works for some and not for others. And as you go through this grueling physical journey, you're faced with an emotional battle you never saw coming. The decisions. The finances. The risks. The outcomes.

Just know that you're not on this journey alone. 

My best advice if you're going through infertility: 

Find someone to talk to; whether that's a friend who is also going through infertility, a counselor, or just someone you're close to that you trust. 

Talk to your spouse or partner.

Find other things to focus on so that you're not dwelling on how you're not pregnant yet. Whether that's a project or new job or new business, or whatever it is, I think it's super helpful to have something else to devote your attention to. 

Pray.

Meditate.

Exercise and eat right. If anything, this is just a good idea for your health and fitness. 



Day 1: Clomid

After a bit of time off from infertility treatments and drugs, we decided to give Clomid another go. I'm not exactly sure what we'll do after this, but we'll see.

The difference in myself between last time and this time is that now I feel a lot more informed and educated about it. I've done a lot of research on my own so that I can know what I'm putting into my body. While it kind of freaks me out to think that I'm totally messing with my already messed up hormones, at least I know what's happening...without having a doctor's degree.

My hesitation with fertility treatments has definitely been the money factor and lack of success. Like, it really feels like a total waste of money (literally) flushed down the drain when you don't get your desired result. Am I right?

But I know that I can't look at it that way. At least we are doing something. We are taking some action. I feel like this whole endeavor definitely takes one part science and fifty parts faith. So much faith and trust in the unknown and what is to come.

I try and try and try to figure it out on my own, but I know ultimately that it's all in God's hands as to whether or not we get pregnant. As someone who is a control freak (mildly, haha), it's so hard to wrap my brain around that. I could probably do a thousand "right" or "correct" things, but none of that will guarantee anything.

So anyway, we've been on a drug break since October. So about six or seven months have gone by and no baby by our own efforts alone. I went back to see my OBGYN and she put me on another course of Clomid, at a higher dose 150mg/day for 5 days. There's also a little supplementation of estradiol suppositories (joy!) since Clomid is anti-estrogenic...how does that even work out.

Next Friday, I'll go back to the doctor's office for an ultrasound to see how Clomid worked and if I have a viable lining.

While I haven't conquered PCOS completely, I do believe that through my exercise and nutrition efforts, and losing about 15lbs since October, has helped overall. My cycles are irregular, but pretty consistent at 32 days. However, I had two cycles, one that lasted 40 days and one that lasted 45 days. Those were cycles when I got hopeful. I was holding out so hard on going to buy a pregnancy test. And just when I got to the point of deciding to go get one, my period showed up.

So we'll see how this goes. I hope the Clomid doesn't make me too crazy, for my husband's sake!