What no one tells you about a miscarriage

This fall was one of, if not THE, hardest seasons of my life that I have ever gone through. I felt like I was weathering a storm that no one could really protect me from. Between the physical and the emotional, it all now feels like a numb blur.

And it's kind of weird because miscarriages are such a deeply personal experience. You don't really know what it's like until you're in the thick of it. I'll admit that I didn't understand "what the big deal" was until it happened to us. I figured that it was "better" than being further along. But there's something special that happens when you find out that you are pregnant. You're instantly a parent. There's something that clicks in your brain and refocuses your priorities.

Here are some of the things I wish someone could have told me about going through miscarriage.

It doesn't matter how far along you are, the emotional pain is just as real and as strong. I remember going in for our second follow up ultrasound and seeing the look on the ultrasound technician's face. I got a pit in my stomach and I knew it wasn't looking good. I tried to hold it together and not break down in that moment, but a sudden sadness washed over me. We were 7 weeks along.

Your first period after a miscarriage can feel like another miscarriage. Because every woman's body is different, there's no way to know what your first period post-miscarriage will be like. My doctor wanted me to wait until my second cycle start before revisiting our situation. Well, let me tell you, and warn you what it was like for me. It was kind of like the miscarriage events without the cramps. I've never had a period that heavy in my life. And it was also full of clots. Big ones. Soaking through pads in minutes. It went on for about seven days. My thoughts were - "How do I even have any blood left to shed?!"

No one really understands what it's like unless they've been through it. We didn't tell anyone except our immediate family that we were expecting. Because we were so excited, we had told them the day we found out. Telling them the sad news was one of the hardest pieces of news to deliver. When I subtly shared online that we had gone through miscarriage on October 15 (pregnancy & infant loss day), there were some people who came out of the woodwork. However, for most people, they get this speechless look on their face and they don't know what to say. It's understandable. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just wanted someone to just be there.

There's no "right" way to mourn. Grief is a strange beast. It creeps up on you when you least expect it. It lingers when you think it's passed. I felt like I (for lack of better words) "got over it" fairly quickly. It was an intense September when everything happened, and then as we slipped into October, I felt myself emerging from the fog. I felt guilty for not being more sad. I felt guilty for being still sad. I was confused and overwhelmed. There were times when I'd just be in my car and start crying. It's okay to feel all the feelings and now understand what the heck is going on with yourself. Feel it. Seek help from a counselor. Talk it out.

Certain milestones can trigger emotions. When we were at my parents' for Thanksgiving, my great aunt asked me how we were doing. Apparently, no one had shared the news with her. I remember that I had written down the weeks on a calendar of how far along I would be, in the event that it would impact travel. Well, at Thanksgiving I would have been 20 weeks. I'm guessing we would have found out the gender and I would be about halfway and showing. Her innocent question brought back those emotions. By Christmas, we would have been 24 weeks, and by Spring there'd be a bundle of joy. We'll see how it is in April when our due date comes and goes.

If you've gone through miscarriage(s), what are some of the things you've learned that you wish you knew?