Where to begin...

I started blogging here as a way to get my thoughts out and a place to think out loud. It's been almost two years since I first posted and well, there's no bun in the oven yet.

It's funny.

When you decide that you're "ready" to get pregnant, it's a whole lot easier said than done. We just celebrated five years of marriage last month, and with that amount of time passed, we inevitably get the question about babies all the time. And unless you're 100% decided that you're not going to have them, what are you supposed to say? What are you supposed to say when you are trying.

The default answer is usually, "We're working on it."

Which is just code for "Yes, we're having a lot of unprotected sex, thanks for asking." It's so awkward when you think about it. "Why, yes, person I don't know that well, I want to tell you about my bedroom activities." Oh goodness.

And no one tells you just how hard it is to go through infertility.

You receive tons of well wishes, prayers, and that indescribable look on people's faces when they feel sorry for you and don't know what to say. Yeah, I know, I'm kind of damaged and you don't know what to do about it.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the prayers and well wishes. It's just so hard when you want something really bad but there's not much you can do to get it. It's not like if I just workout one more day a week or for thirty minutes longer that I'll get to my goal.

I never realized how much patience this was going to entail.

Or how much jealousy.

Oh gosh. Jealousy. She totally reared her ugly head recently. I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by pregnant women. Either they just announced their pregnancy, are in the thick of it, or are about to give birth. I guess it's the perfect storm of my age and stage in life. Most people that I went to high school or college with are either 1) still single 2) married and pregnant  3) second pregnancy or 4) divorced.

The divorce thing always throws me off. And I feel kinda bad because I figure it out thanks to good ol' Facebook stalking and deductive reasoning. As my husband constantly bugs me about, CONTEXT CLUES.

But back to jealousy. We were at dinner and I had a sudden bout of just bitterness and jealousy about our infertility. I admitted to the fact that I'm envious. I admitted to the fact that I have a hard time being excited about other women's pregnancies, especially when I should. It just feels like it's SO EASY FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

And it's weird because infertility can be and often is a lonely road. People don't talk about it much, whether they just want to keep it private or are embarrassed or ashamed or frustrated, or whatever. And it's that lack of talking about it that makes you feel alone. Makes me feel alone.

But there have been some silver linings. Some rays of hope that motivate me to keep moving forward. It's when I read or hear about other people's experiences with infertility and then hear that they were able to conceive. It gives me hope.