The Wait Continues

I'm always skeptical when the doctor or nurse tells you that you can test on a certain date. I guess I'm skeptical because I don't fully trust the result. Or, I'm afraid of the result that I don't want. Thus, I wait.

I've become a professional at waiting.

Maybe I should add it to my resume.

We were told that I could take a home pregnancy test on Friday, March 4th. Because my cycle was expected to start on Monday, March 7th, I decided to wait until at least then.

I was so hopeful in this cycle. Things just felt right about it. We made it in a nick of time with my husband going out of town and it seemed like the stars were aligning to make it happen.

I was also really hopeful because that Wednesday was my husband's birthday. I had this dream of being able to present him with an amazing birthday gift...a positive pregnancy test.

Since my cycle did not start that Monday, I decided to go ahead and take the last home pregnancy test that I had stashed away in the drawer. I have always been reluctant to take them without waiting for at least some time past the time my cycle should start as to not "waste" them. I know, other women probably think I'm crazy, but I'm also really pragmatic and frugal when it comes to this kind of thing. And yes, I know I can purchase crazy cheap ones on Amazon...

Much to my disappointment, the HPT was negative. I was hoping for even a faint line. No such luck this month.

The really annoying part was that my period didn't start until that Wednesday and it was really light and kind of odd for my normal cycles.

I called my RE's office to ask about next steps.

I went in that Friday for a baseline ultrasound and if everything looked good we would start straight away on injectables and use the last of my Follistim from the previous cycle.

Unfortunately, to add insult to injury, the sonographer found a cyst on my right ovary. Great. Something else to get in the way of progress. I was given options to take a birth control pill to help move the cyst along or to just wait until my next cycle starts. The nurse also told me that the cyst could be causing the funky period.

Well isn't that nice?

On top of it all, I wouldn't be able to start the injectable Follistim meds...which means that the rest of the vial that I have...that cost beaucoup bucks is going to go to waste. Which hurts my head and my heart from a purely practical standpoint.

And just as the cherry on top to this entire situation, I woke up that Thursday not feeling great, and by Thursday evening, I was running a fever of 102.8 - the highest I've ever seen in my adult life. I had chills, body aches, a slight cough, and a fever. I had the flu. And man oh man, this string of the flu was a doozy. I spent the better part of a week in bed, about 4 days feeling pretty crummy, and finally on day 7, I'm starting to feel normal, but still have a nagging cough.

So yeah, my last two weeks have not been great.

I wish I had more positive news to report, but sadly, I do not.

Just more waiting.

Starting Again

I never expected that we'd have to wait so long to get started trying again after the miscarriage. Now, having experienced one, I know so much more and have so much more empathy for all the women who have had one or multiple miscarriages.

Any miscarriage is heartbreaking.

I think it's because you have that glimmer of hope. If you had a positive pregnancy test, there's a special kind of exhilaration you experience when you've been trying for years for this one thing to finally happen.

And then it's all taken away.

In addition to the emotional toll that it takes, there's also a physical toll.

I experienced our miscarriage in September 2015.

My RE then told me to wait until my next two regular cycles.

My first cycle post-miscarriage was the heaviest, longest period I've ever experienced. It felt like a mini-miscarriage minus the cramps.

My second cycle post-miscarriage was still on the heavier than normal side (for me), but a lot more normal than that first cycle post-miscarriage.

So that brought us to November, at which point, my RE had us come in for the remainder of the testing that we never had done when we first met with her because I had a positive pregnancy test...all kinds of crazy.

I had a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and a hysteroscopy.

The hysterosalpingogram is where they set you up underneath an x-ray machine, inject dye to see if your fallopian tubes are clear. For me, the experience was mostly painless - there was some pressure from injecting the dye, but my doctor talked me through it as she completed the procedure. I felt some cramping, but nothing major, and nothing in comparison to the miscarriage. I have heard from other women, however, who have said that when they had the HSG done, it was a very painful experience. I think it really depends on you, your doctor, and your pain threshold.

As far as the hysteroscopy, you're lying down on a exam table, and the doctor will insert a scope with a small/tiny camera to check out your insides. It takes all of about 2-3 minutes and it's similar pressure and I'd say less painful than the HSG. My doctor did find evidence of a polyp on the back wall of my uterus as well as the site of where implantation had occurred. They call it "products of conception."

Because of the polyp, my RE recommended to have it removed as she suspected that it could have contributed to the cause of the miscarriage. We'll never fully know, but for me, it makes me feel a little better knowing there was some kind of "reason" for it happening.

In December, at the start of my next cycle, I had the surgery. It was a hysteroscopic polypectomy, which is a fancy way of saying that the polyp was removed with a hysteroscope. Thankfully that meant that no incisions were made on me. I was put under general anesthesia for the first time ever, and while I was a little apprehensive about it, it was the best sleep that I can remember.

For me, the surgery was easy. I had surgery on Friday, napped most of Friday afternoon, and felt pretty back to normal by Saturday afternoon. I had to take a week off of exercise/activity until my post-op appointment, but otherwise, everything was back to normal.

So that brings us back to now. At my post-op appointment, my RE told me that the surgery was a success and that she removed the polyp and "products of conception". She asked me what we wanted to do and if we were ready to try again. I said that we were ready. I went in for a baseline ultrasound right before Christmas and started Letrozole. I had a Day 11 ultrasound and it looked like I had already ovulated. They drew blood for a progesterone test, and later that day confirmed that ovulation had occurred. At that point we just had to wait to see what the two week wait might present.

Two days before I expected my period, and on the day that the RE's nurse had told me I could take a HPT, my cycle started.

Sometimes I just want to tell my body to stop being so rude.

So I called my RE's office to let them know that my cycle started again, and I went back in for a baseline ultrasound this past Monday on Day 4. I started Letrozole on Day 4, and I'll go in for a follow up ultrasound on Day 8 - a few days earlier than typical with the hope that we don't miss the ovulation window...because the plan is to trigger ovulation with Ovidrel.

It was weird that I ovulated so early last cycle, but after asking in my support groups, it sounds like other ladies who also took Letrozole experienced some early ovulation as well.

So we'll see what happens this cycle.

Cycle Day 40: The Wait Continues

Oh the wait.

I suppose that if I had a normal cycle, I would have already taken a test.

But I don't. When you have PCOS, you have an irregular cycle. I've had irregular cycles most of my life (thought I didn't know it until I was in college)...although I have been having fairly regular 31-32 day cycles.

This time, however, here we are again at cycle day 40. When you have an irregular cycle, you're supposed to wait at least until you have the longest cycle you've had. For me, that's around 42-45 days.

I don't want to negotiate with God. Like, "Okay God, if this happens then this..." or something similar. I know that he has perfect timing in everything that happens, so even if I don't understand, He does.

Cycle Day 42 is on Wednesday. I think that will be the day that I test, should nothing happen between now and then.

I had 41 day cycles in January and March, so while this could be that (we'll see tomorrow), I'm also cautiously optimistic. I know that if this is our time, that it will truly have been a miracle. Seriously.

One of the things that is shaping my positive outlook is the fact that I ovulated this month - the blood test I had a week and a half ago showed that. I've also had sore boobs and frequent urination.

You better believe that I've been Googling "early pregnancy symptoms" and "when to take a pregnancy test."

And you may be wondering why I haven't gotten it over with and just taken one already.

Because my pragmatic side and my idealistic side don't jive.

It's kind of ridiculous.

I'm also naturally frugal, so I don't want to "waste" a test, which some may consider silly. However, considering that the very first pregnancy test I ever took (about a year ago), I totally botched (I did it wrong)...I don't want to make an expensive mistake again. Ha!

I know that I could order those cheap tests off of Amazon, but I haven't done that yet.

So I'm just practicing patience and trust in God's plan for all of this and on Wednesday, I'll take a test...

What would you do?

False Alarm

I had promised myself that I wouldn't freak out. That I wouldn't throw a fit. That I wouldn't get depressed.

Well, when I started to spot last Thursday, on Day 32, I was so sad and disappointed.

I had told myself that I wasn't going to let it affect me like it had previously, but it did. Bigger than I expected.

Because this was our first medicated cycle after taking a break for six months, I was really hopeful. I thought also because I had lost another 10-15lbs that it would help things along as well.

Everything was going well, or so I thought.

But then, like old reliable, on Day 32 (why are my cycles 32 days?!), I started to spot and the red tide arrived.

Thursday was hard. I was really upset. I was disappointed. I was discouraged.

Why does it all have to be so hard? Why is it so hard for us and so easy for others? I know I'm not supposed to compare lives and I don't know the backstories for other people, but still.

Some people get sneezed on, then boom. Teenagers barely do anything, and boom.

But I'm done being upset. It's not getting me anywhere.

Instead, I binge-watched Finding Carter all weekend long. I became obsessed with the show. Hey, there's nothing a little binge-watching can't fix, right?

Onto the next cycle.

I actually have my annual OBGYN appointment tomorrow, and unfortunately, we've missed the window to try Clomid for this cycle. So I guess we'll just see how things play out naturally and then move on to see a specialist next.

Day 31: Hello July...still waiting

I, for one, cannot believe that it's already July.

This marks the official halfway point of the year. It's an understatement to say this year has flown by for me.

It's been an interesting year, for sure.

At the end of last year I left my terrible full-time job. Honestly, I could have stayed, but it was a toxic environment and I just couldn't take it for my own sanity. My boss was not cut out to ever be a boss, and that's tough when he is the owner of the company too. Our work ethics just did not align. And maybe I just needed to put my head down, focus, and work.

But sometimes, all that stress, aggravation, discontent is just not worth the paycheck.

I thought I had a miserable job before, but this one definitely takes the crown and glory for worst job ever. It probably would have been better for me if I could relate on a cultural level. But I'm not making excuses for that place anymore.

I'm convinced that we were not able to get pregnant while I was working there because of the stress. Hormonal issues too, but I think the stress played a huge part of it. I almost tried to go on stress leave. Get a note from a doctor to take a couple weeks off. Seriously. Makes me crazy thinking about it.

After leaving that job, I decided to focus 100% of my time on my portrait photography business. I'm a high school senior photographer, specializing in portraits for smart, shy girls. And you know what? I'm haven't replaced my previous income with it yet, although I'm getting closer, but I'm 100% happier than when I was working at what I lovingly refer to as "The Sweat Shop" (not too far from the truth, haha).

So here we are. 6 months into 2015. Starting the 7th month.

Still nothing yet as far as knowing if we put a bun in the over or not. Which is good so far. I'm counting my blessings instead of stressing out over it.

Although, yeah, I'm a little stressed. But I know that's bad, so I'm going to go do some deep breathing.

I'm planning to take a test this weekend. I go to my OBGYN on Tuesday for my annual well woman exam, so hopefully my doc will be able to tell me what to expect....either way.

Day 28: Still Waiting

Yesterday marked Day 28 of this cycle.

It's crazy how aware you become of what day it is when you're keeping track of your cycles.

To most people that probably means nothing.

To a woman who is trying to conceive (TTC) or struggling with infertility it means a whole lot more.

So technically speaking the two week wait is over. I could theoretically take a pregnancy test if I wanted to.

AF did not arrive yesterday, so that's definitely a good sign.

Yet, I don't want to put all my hopeful eggs in one basket, if that metaphor makes sense.

Logically, I know I should at least wait until when my period is due and wait for that to be officially "late". And then I should probably wait another seven days after that.

Such a waiting game.

And I don't want to freak out or stress out about this because I know that's not good either. Maybe I'll go meditate. My favorite part of meditation? Falling asleep in corpse pose...that's what it's called, right yoga aficionados?

Well, we bought a set of pregnancy tests this weekend, but I'm definitely waiting to test because in the words of my pragmatic brain, I don't want to "waste" them. But it's true.

I know that I could purchase cheapie tests on Amazon, but again, I don't want to be wasteful...and let's face it, I also don't want to know the answer yet.

I do.

But I don't.

And I know that it won't be the end of the world if we are not pregnant this cycle. Just another month ahead of waiting and seeking.

On the other hand, I might go out of my mind if it is positive.

I'm trying not to wrap up my emotions in the outcome of the test. Clearly, I'm not doing that great of a job.

I will be fine either way (one more fine than the other, obviously). I trust the plan that is being carved out for us. I trust the big guy upstairs. Although, I'll admit, it's a constant reminder to myself that it's his timing, not my own. His plans, not my own. It's not easy.

I'm also really excited. Cautiously so, of course. And on the same note, I'm also really nervous.

So maybe I should get back to that idea of meditation to clear my fears and worries and focus on the positive.

And of course, the other logical thing is that I could just find out now...theoretically. I could test and just see what happens. But I decided that I would at least wait until AF is projected to arrive, which is Friday, July 3.

Considering that my cycles for the majority of 2014 and early 2015 have been about 31-33 days, I think it makes sense to wait at least until then to see what happens.

This journey is so crazy. I'm sure it's worth it, but gosh, the emotional roller coaster is not for the faint of heart.

The Two Week Wait

For anyone who is trying to get pregnant, you probably know what the two week wait is. It's that two week window from the time you ovulate until you can take a pregnancy test.

Well, we are in the two week wait. I try not to stress out about it, or hang all my dreams in the outcome of that test, but it's hard you know?

This past weekend, we flew out to Atlanta to hang out with my husband's family and we got to see our not so little nephew. He turns 9 months today, and is huge! He's exceeding all the markers (I think!) He's cute and such a sweet baby. He will be walking in no time.

I'm not going to lie, seeing him, getting to hang out with him, and seeing my husband interacting with him, just about made my ovaries burst. I know that my husband will be a great dad and they were so sweet together.

We went to the Georgia Aquarium, which was pretty cool, especially with the walk through shark tank. We also went to the World of Coca Cola, and before you get to walk through the exhibits, they show this short movie. It was about sharing a Coke, but really it was people sharing and doing life together. There was one part where a couple was surprising a set of parents about becoming grandparents.

I almost started crying. Like, I felt it tug on my heartstrings. I want to do that for my parents and my in-laws. I want to see their faces and their reactions when we can finally tell them that we are expecting our own.

It's in times of waiting that you really learn about yourself and your faith. Do I trust God or am I putting my trust in myself? I know for a fact that I won't be able to do this without God. Only He is able to do amazing and miraculous things, and whenever we are blessed with a baby, it will truly be a gift and a miracle from God.

Living in a very NOW society, where people can get what they want nearly instantaneously, it's hard to wait. It's difficult to be patient. When we don't get what we want when we want it, we start to wonder if God is still out there and listening to us or not.

God is there. He is listening. But His plans are not our own.

This has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. My plans are good, but His plans are greater.

I have to trust that He has a plan for us and for our lives, and even though we may not understand His plan at this time, he is refining us for the future.

More often than not, that is way harder for me to understand than it is to type.

So here we are. In a season of waiting...within a season of waiting.

I believe that we can be parents, but I won't be wrapping my life's happiness and joy in this month's cycle. I know that's the hard part.

I have this inner battle - of being cautiously optimistic and realistic....but then I have to remind myself that God is able to do abundantly more that I could ever ask or imagine. He is able when I am not. He can do more than I ever could. However, it will all unfold in HIS timing, not my own!