The thing you worry about...

Last week, we went in for our first ultrasound. Based on my LMP, the reproductive endocrinologist and ultrasound tech had estimated me to be at about 7 weeks. However, when they did the ultrasound, the fetus was measuring more at 6 weeks. This didn't surprise me because that was the estimate I was going off of based on my irregular cycles. I know that I don't ovulate right at 14 days, it could have been anywhere between day 16-20 really. The RE asked us to come back in a week to do another scan to see how it progresses.

It felt like the longest week of my life, but I tried my best to stay calm, occupied, and free of worry. I didn't want to worry about something that was just in my head. But when it's your first pregnancy you just don't know what to feel or to expect.

I have been having the classic pregnancy symptoms for about two and a half weeks. Sore breasts, frequent urination, some fatigue, and a little morning sickness - mostly just feeling queasy. Even though I wasn't feeling awesome, I figured that having symptoms was a good sign.

We nicknamed the baby "The Nugget" and my husband would talk to my belly and tell the Nugget to keep growing. It's the cutest thing.

I prayed a lot. I did my best to concentrate on other things. I worked out. I indulged a little. I did some work. I tried to reduce any stress I was feeling. But a week is a long time.

In the back of my mind, I couldn't help but think about if something was wrong. What if the baby hadn't progressed in growth? What if I had a miscarriage?

I haven't had any spotting. I haven't had any cramps. I've been feeling pretty good, aside from some of the general symptoms. So I figured that I should just tell my worries to be quiet and wait for the appointment.

Well, our appointment was yesterday. We do the usual drill, another vaginal ultrasound. The tech does the initial scan, and while I'm not trained in reading ultrasounds, I can kind of tell that there's something not quite right. From what I can see on the screen, there doesn't appear to be much if any growth of the fetus since last week.

And I have to say that the ultrasound tech is quite nice and has good bedside manner, but when she says, "I'm just going to have the doctor come in and take a second look," and "It doesn't look like there was any growth, unfortunately," I couldn't help but see my worst fears come to light.

I mean, obviously, if there was no progress, that can't be a great thing. I was desperately hoping to see progress, to see the heartbeat flicker, to have proof that the baby growing inside me is doing well and getting bigger.

As we waited for the doctor to come in, I could only lay there and think worst case scenario. My husband grabbed my hand and we just looked at each other, not saying a word.

The doctor came in, did a second ultrasound scan, and while she could see the yolk sac/fetal pole, she said that it didn't look like the pregnancy was progress like she had hoped it would. She wanted to talk to us in her office after I got dressed.

She compared the ultrasound from this week to last weeks, and the look on her face basically said it. While she didn't rule it a pregnancy loss yet, she wants us to come in on Tuesday for a final scan to see what happens. She said that by that point we should be able to see a heartbeat, and if we can't....then we will discuss "options".

It just feels so grim.

Knowing, but also not knowing, that there's potentially a non-viable fetus inside of me.

It's the unknown that's the hardest. I feel like I have no control...and I while I know that I don't have control because all this is in God's court, still, I wish I could understand what and why this is happening. I feel like it's been an arduous journey to even get here to this point, only to have the rug pulled out from under us in a hot second.

We're in a place of wait and see.

It's crazy to me how we could go from such pure joy to devastation in a matter of seconds. While I don't know if I will have a miscarriage or not at this point, my gut tells me that we probably will. The optimistic side of my brain is grasping to the tiny shred of hope that the baby may progress at least a little bit by Tuesday.

However, I will say, that I am so thankful and grateful that we were even able to get pregnant naturally...or as the office calls it "spontaneously". Seeing that positive pregnancy test was pure joy. I was shocked and couldn't believe my eyes. I know that for many, many couples out there, this isn't even a possibility. So I am really thankful that we know that getting pregnant is a possibility for us. I'm trying to find the silver lining in between sobbing for the unknown.

Have you ever been through something like this?