Adventures in Fertility

Dealing with infertility has been a roller coaster journey. There are ups and downs and days when you feel completely filled with hope and other days when you feel completely depleted. And it feels like a lonely journey because not many people talk about it. Or they talk about it after they've made it to the other side - after they successfully get pregnant.

It's crazy to me that the one thing I had avoided for several years is now the thing that I want so badly. It makes me wonder if being on birth control previously was even worth it. Well, due to the PCOS, I think it was a necessary evil.

Last cycle (August), we did a round of Clomid and I matured some follicles. Yay! However, my uterine lining was not thick enough. AGAIN. Womp womp. When stuff like this happens, besides feeling disappointed, I also feel like a month of my life was wasted and so was that money for the fertility drugs. Yet another month not pregnant. I know that's not really reality, but that's what it feels like.

This cycle, we did another round of Clomid, this time with Estradiol suppositories. Yeah, suppositories. It's about as glamorous as it sounds. Not at all. It's weird and awkward and there are side effects. Like hot flashes. (I'm too young for those!) The suppositories are supposed to help with the lining to thicken up. I had to go to a special compounding pharmacy to pick those bad boys up. For five days, starting on Day 3, I was taking the Clomid (100mg) and inserting the estrogen suppositories before bedtime.

On Day 11, I went back to my OBGYN for an ultrasound to see how the fertility drugs had worked. Well, I matured another two follicles. However, that lining? That lining is stubborn and did not take to the suppositories like it was supposed to. But since we've been working on getting me pregnant for months now, my OBGYN decided to make the executive decision to go for it anyway and trigger ovulation with the handy dandy pre-filled syringe - Ovidrel as well as some oral Estradiol tablets.

My doctor showed me how to pinch my stomach and administer the shot. It's a good thing I'm not scared of needles. She ordered the prescription and I gathered my courage for this next step.

I went to our local Walgreens to pick everything up, except it turns out that they don't have the Ovidrel in stock. So I asked if they could find it because it was important that I take it the next day. After waiting in the Walgreens sitting area for almost 45 minutes, the pharmacist was able to track down a syringe of the stuff about 30 minutes away. Considering that I didn't have much of a choice, we drove out there. Oh by the way, that was not a cheap prescription...since it's not covered by insurance. (Apparently I need to move to Massachusetts where good insurance exists!)

The next day, Day 12, we did the trigger shot. I asked my husband to hold my skin for me as I gave myself the shot. And it wasn't bad at all. The needle is so skinny that it pretty much just slides under the skin and you kind of feel a small pinch when you inject the fluid, but it was no big deal especially in comparison to say a blood draw or giving blood. The needle was way smaller.

And then, as they say on pregnancy forums, there was required BD time. It took some Googling to figure out that stands for "Baby Dance"...I'm so not current on pregnancy acronyms. It's slightly unnerving when you have to BD at a certain and time, but at least it's fun.

And now we wait. We wait to see if AF (Aunt Flo, more acronyms!) comes in two weeks. Even then if AF doesn't come, I feel like I need to wait at least another week in case it's off by a few days.

I'm feeling hopeful, but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up too high, because the disappointment is going to be big.

The waiting feels like torture. Because I want to think about it. I want to make scenarios of "what ifs" and such. I obviously want it to be positive. Want more acronyms? I want a BFP (big fat positive).

(Side note: I've never participated in online pregnancy forums, partially because half the time I can't read what they are saying because of all the darn acronyms - I do see how they are handy though.)

Are you going through infertility? What is your story?

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