No one really talks about it.
No one wants to admit that they struggle with it.
No one wants to show they true colors when it comes to the color green.
But I'll admit it.
I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of all the pregnant women I see. I know that deep down I'm happy for them, but the first thing I feel, especially lately is jealousy. Envy. I covet what they have.
I know that Envy is one of the Seven Deadly Sins.
And it is for a reason.
Envy eats at you. It makes you unhappy. It causes a pit to form in your stomach. It's not a good feeling.
But I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel jealous.
Infertility is a lonely road.
No thanks to that chap, Comparison.
It's so true that...
Comparison is the Thief of Joy
In moments when I feel like comparing where I am now to someone else's journey it's both unproductive and a major buzzkill.
It sucks to compare.
AND YET, IT'S SO EASY.
I think because it's easy to compare and to feel jealous, it's the go-to emotion.
You know what's hard?
Contentment.
Joy.
In a time that feels like you'll never get ahead, joy is the last thing you want to feel for someone else. Contentment feels like waving the white flag. But it's not.
Joy and contentment are way harder, but so much better for you.
I do my best to feel joy for my friends who are expecting.
I do my best to be content with where I am.
I know I'm not in control, as much as I would like to be in the driver's seat. It's in giving up that control that joy and contentment can take over, in a good way.
Is it time for a Specialist?
Back in June, I went to see my doctor for a follow up after taking Femara to stimulate my ovaries and hopefully ovulate. I went in for a sonogram, and while some follicles had matured, the lining of the uterus was not thick enough to support implantation.
Or as I understood it, even if there was a fertilized egg, it wouldn't stick, and the pregnancy wouldn't stick. Great.
But, my OBGYN wasn't discouraged, and referred me to an RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist for those who can't read pregnancy/infertility code (I always have to google it). I thought it might be a little premature to see a specialist, but she was confident that they could give me better guidance than she could. She just felt it was slightly out of her scope of knowledge when it comes to OBGYN stuff. And since I'm just a tad over 30, she said she didn't need to be wasting my time if it wasn't going to work.
Now here's the thing with going to see a fertility specialist. I feel like "fertility" is sort of like the word "wedding". You add it in front of anything and instantly things get expensive. Oh and unless you have crazy awesome insurance, insurance typically doesn't cover fertility specialists.
Or as the insurance customer service rep said, "You plan covers diagnostics, but if you are diagnosed with anything, there is no coverage." Yay. Awesome. Sweet. I get to pay everything!
But when you want a baby, and you know that there's still hope that you can have one yourself, you'll do what you need to do. So I made an appointment, wrote down all the notes that my OBGYN had told me so I could prep for the consultation, and got ready.
The RE's office warned me that I would have to pay the consultation fee up front just in case my insurance didn't cover it. (Annoying point #1).
I got to the office for my appointment and signed in. I sat down in the waiting room and spotted a man with a little white paper bag. Yeah, I knew what that was for. When our glances crossed paths, we both looked away quickly. Awkward.
The nurse called my name and we did the basics: vital signs, weight, height, basic history. Yada yada. She led me into an exam room to wait for the doctor. I thought it was kind of weird because the room was basically dark save for a lamp. I sat on the rolling stool to the side of the exam table, typically used for sonograms based on the equipment in the room.
After what felt like twenty minutes (probably less), but I did play a couple rounds of 2048 and checked Instagram several times, the doctor came to get me and walked me down to his office.
So here's the thing, I generally try to avoid male doctors when it comes to lady part type issues. However, there seems to be a HUGE gap in the reproductive endocrinology field between men and women. After some Googling, most practices are run by men. Fine, that's cool. I still think it's weird that men are interested in parts they'll never have or truly understand, but whatever, such is life.
Anyway, the RE starts asking me questions and going over history and basic stuff. Then he tells me about the general course of treatment. Sonogram, clomid, sonogram, HCG shots, another sonogram (I'm probably missing something since I'm recalling this from memory), then pray you get pregnant. (That's my dumbed down version).
I told him about what my doctor said about thin uterine lining and asked about that because based on what my OBGYN said, it sounded like they would just have to give me some pills or shots or something to build up the lining for the next round. But he said that we'd have to go through the basics of sonograms and Clomid to get the base line of where I was at. (Annoying point #2)
I like to think of myself as a pragmatist. I try to do things that make the most sense financially and healthwise, generally speaking. And basically, the course of treatment he was describing sounded EXACTLY like what my OBGYN could do. In my mind, if my OB could do it in her office, WHY would I pay everything out of pocket to see the RE, if the treatment was THE SAME?
With the RE, the same course of treatment would cost $450 + the cost of prescriptions, while with my OB it would be $20 copays + the cost of prescriptions. Or, a fraction of the cost.
It just wasn't adding up for me. Why would I choose the more expensive route if the treatment was EXACTLY THE SAME? I was telling my mom about this, and I told her that if the RE had suggested something outside of what my OBGYN and I had discussed or a totally different course, then I would have considered moving forward with the RE.
But if it's the same....then WHY pay more?
Please know that these are simply my own opinions and anyone else who is wading the seas of infertility, you can make whatever choices you want and I have no judgment about them. But for me, it just didn't make sense.
Luckily, I was going to see my OBGYN later that week for my annual well woman exam and she asked me if I had made an appointment to see the RE. I told her I had already met him and his plan of action. Probably the best thing that happened and why I love my OBGYN was that she gave me this look that said, "ARE YOU SERIOUS? THAT'S WHAT HE SAID?"
She asked if I had told him about the thin uterine lining and estrogen stuff and I had. So I asked her if we could just proceed with her office, and instead of Femara, try Clomid, and see how that goes. I told her the same thing I told my mom, and practical standpoint of it just being less expensive to work with her office for now.
So that's where we're at. Next cycle I'll start with Clomid on Day 3. We'll see what that does.
Or as I understood it, even if there was a fertilized egg, it wouldn't stick, and the pregnancy wouldn't stick. Great.
But, my OBGYN wasn't discouraged, and referred me to an RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist for those who can't read pregnancy/infertility code (I always have to google it). I thought it might be a little premature to see a specialist, but she was confident that they could give me better guidance than she could. She just felt it was slightly out of her scope of knowledge when it comes to OBGYN stuff. And since I'm just a tad over 30, she said she didn't need to be wasting my time if it wasn't going to work.
Now here's the thing with going to see a fertility specialist. I feel like "fertility" is sort of like the word "wedding". You add it in front of anything and instantly things get expensive. Oh and unless you have crazy awesome insurance, insurance typically doesn't cover fertility specialists.
Or as the insurance customer service rep said, "You plan covers diagnostics, but if you are diagnosed with anything, there is no coverage." Yay. Awesome. Sweet. I get to pay everything!
But when you want a baby, and you know that there's still hope that you can have one yourself, you'll do what you need to do. So I made an appointment, wrote down all the notes that my OBGYN had told me so I could prep for the consultation, and got ready.
The RE's office warned me that I would have to pay the consultation fee up front just in case my insurance didn't cover it. (Annoying point #1).
I got to the office for my appointment and signed in. I sat down in the waiting room and spotted a man with a little white paper bag. Yeah, I knew what that was for. When our glances crossed paths, we both looked away quickly. Awkward.
The nurse called my name and we did the basics: vital signs, weight, height, basic history. Yada yada. She led me into an exam room to wait for the doctor. I thought it was kind of weird because the room was basically dark save for a lamp. I sat on the rolling stool to the side of the exam table, typically used for sonograms based on the equipment in the room.
After what felt like twenty minutes (probably less), but I did play a couple rounds of 2048 and checked Instagram several times, the doctor came to get me and walked me down to his office.
So here's the thing, I generally try to avoid male doctors when it comes to lady part type issues. However, there seems to be a HUGE gap in the reproductive endocrinology field between men and women. After some Googling, most practices are run by men. Fine, that's cool. I still think it's weird that men are interested in parts they'll never have or truly understand, but whatever, such is life.
Anyway, the RE starts asking me questions and going over history and basic stuff. Then he tells me about the general course of treatment. Sonogram, clomid, sonogram, HCG shots, another sonogram (I'm probably missing something since I'm recalling this from memory), then pray you get pregnant. (That's my dumbed down version).
I told him about what my doctor said about thin uterine lining and asked about that because based on what my OBGYN said, it sounded like they would just have to give me some pills or shots or something to build up the lining for the next round. But he said that we'd have to go through the basics of sonograms and Clomid to get the base line of where I was at. (Annoying point #2)
I like to think of myself as a pragmatist. I try to do things that make the most sense financially and healthwise, generally speaking. And basically, the course of treatment he was describing sounded EXACTLY like what my OBGYN could do. In my mind, if my OB could do it in her office, WHY would I pay everything out of pocket to see the RE, if the treatment was THE SAME?
With the RE, the same course of treatment would cost $450 + the cost of prescriptions, while with my OB it would be $20 copays + the cost of prescriptions. Or, a fraction of the cost.
It just wasn't adding up for me. Why would I choose the more expensive route if the treatment was EXACTLY THE SAME? I was telling my mom about this, and I told her that if the RE had suggested something outside of what my OBGYN and I had discussed or a totally different course, then I would have considered moving forward with the RE.
But if it's the same....then WHY pay more?
Please know that these are simply my own opinions and anyone else who is wading the seas of infertility, you can make whatever choices you want and I have no judgment about them. But for me, it just didn't make sense.
Luckily, I was going to see my OBGYN later that week for my annual well woman exam and she asked me if I had made an appointment to see the RE. I told her I had already met him and his plan of action. Probably the best thing that happened and why I love my OBGYN was that she gave me this look that said, "ARE YOU SERIOUS? THAT'S WHAT HE SAID?"
She asked if I had told him about the thin uterine lining and estrogen stuff and I had. So I asked her if we could just proceed with her office, and instead of Femara, try Clomid, and see how that goes. I told her the same thing I told my mom, and practical standpoint of it just being less expensive to work with her office for now.
So that's where we're at. Next cycle I'll start with Clomid on Day 3. We'll see what that does.
We start Femara
Or should I say, I start Femara.
It's a little nudge to perk up the ovaries. Femara is supposed to tell the ovaries to mature some eggs so that I can ovulate and maybe put a bun in the oven.
At least that's the hope.
My doctor says it's little easier on the ovaries than Clomid, which is the usual go to drug.
I've never been so conscious of my monthly cycles as I have been since actively trying to conceive.
Thank goodness for apps like Glow and My Days. Otherwise, I'd totally lose track and would start making up dates to give to my doctor.
That would be bad.
Then on Day 21 I have to go in for a blood test to see if I ovulated.
Yay, I love being stuck with needles.
Actually I don't, but since it's for a good cause and all.
We'll see how this goes.
It's a little nudge to perk up the ovaries. Femara is supposed to tell the ovaries to mature some eggs so that I can ovulate and maybe put a bun in the oven.
At least that's the hope.
My doctor says it's little easier on the ovaries than Clomid, which is the usual go to drug.
I've never been so conscious of my monthly cycles as I have been since actively trying to conceive.
Thank goodness for apps like Glow and My Days. Otherwise, I'd totally lose track and would start making up dates to give to my doctor.
That would be bad.
Then on Day 21 I have to go in for a blood test to see if I ovulated.
Yay, I love being stuck with needles.
Actually I don't, but since it's for a good cause and all.
We'll see how this goes.
It's official...
...I was diagnosed with PCOS.
Dude, PCOS sucks. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome sucks.
It has all the least desirable symptoms as a woman and there's no cure. It's just "manageable." Great. Awesome. Wonderful.
My least favorite symptom is "trouble losing weight" because what woman wants it to be extra challenging to lose the extra pounds.
While my doctor suggested about a year ago that I had PCOS, after a conversation with my sister-in-law (my brother-in-law's wife), who was told that she'd never have kids and is now about to pop one out, she suggested that I have an ultrasound to officially check for cysts. She was told she had PCOS, but when they checked for cysts she didn't have any.
Here's my tip for anyone who needs to have a sonogram or ultrasound done vaginally....GO TO THE BATHROOM FIRST. I wish someone had told me that. I went in for my appointment and they sent me into the ultrasound room where they told me to disrobe from the waist down and then use the pink paper drape. Then they inserted the ultrasound wand.
Ultrasound wands and full bladders DO NOT MIX.
The ultrasound tech even remarked "Wow, your bladder is full."
All I could think was, "YEAH NO KIDDING YOU'RE PRESSING ON IT AND IT'S NOT HELPING."
So, if you have a vaginal ultrasound on deck, be sure to evacuate your bladder first.
Unfortunately, they did find cysts on my ovaries.
AWESOME. YAY. WOO HOO.
Said no one ever.
Now that we're officially trying, it just adds to the pot of complication.
But I'm not going to let this get me down!
Dude, PCOS sucks. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome sucks.
It has all the least desirable symptoms as a woman and there's no cure. It's just "manageable." Great. Awesome. Wonderful.
My least favorite symptom is "trouble losing weight" because what woman wants it to be extra challenging to lose the extra pounds.
While my doctor suggested about a year ago that I had PCOS, after a conversation with my sister-in-law (my brother-in-law's wife), who was told that she'd never have kids and is now about to pop one out, she suggested that I have an ultrasound to officially check for cysts. She was told she had PCOS, but when they checked for cysts she didn't have any.
Here's my tip for anyone who needs to have a sonogram or ultrasound done vaginally....GO TO THE BATHROOM FIRST. I wish someone had told me that. I went in for my appointment and they sent me into the ultrasound room where they told me to disrobe from the waist down and then use the pink paper drape. Then they inserted the ultrasound wand.
Ultrasound wands and full bladders DO NOT MIX.
The ultrasound tech even remarked "Wow, your bladder is full."
All I could think was, "YEAH NO KIDDING YOU'RE PRESSING ON IT AND IT'S NOT HELPING."
So, if you have a vaginal ultrasound on deck, be sure to evacuate your bladder first.
Unfortunately, they did find cysts on my ovaries.
AWESOME. YAY. WOO HOO.
Said no one ever.
Now that we're officially trying, it just adds to the pot of complication.
But I'm not going to let this get me down!
24 Day Challenge: Day 4
The first three days of the 24 Day Challenge are pretty rough. Mostly because the first ten days are a cleanse. But not the starve yourself crazy cleanse. You get to eat while cleansing. WHAT?! That's awesome. Because I love to eat.
I also have a crazy sweet tooth. Like, I love Halloween candy. And brownies. And cookies. And cake. And almost anything with sugar in it. Except for maybe Candy Corn. I hate Candy Corn.
I thought that I would be a raging lunatic come the first couple of days because I had to cut out sugar (at least all that processed junk) and coffee. I'm also a huge Starbucks nut. Last week, before starting the cleanse, I took advantage of the buy one - get one holiday drink offer. Yeah. I drank both.
So here we are. Day 4. I'm feeling pretty good.
I'm thrilled I don't have to drink the Fiber Drink for four days.
Real talk. The Fiber Drink is like trying to drink liquid sand. Or imagine that you pulverized tree bark and mixed it with water. It's kind like that. And it kind of smells like pencil shavings. Needless to say, it's not a pleasant experience. I chugged it down and tried not to gag.
But I gagged. All three days. It's bad.
The good thing is that I have four days off of the Fiber Drink. Hallelujah!
I'm also really glad that my sister-in-law told me to chug it and to chase it with Spark. Spark, on the other hand, is sweet and delicious. It definitely helps to replace any sugar/sweet cravings. And it's an energy drink that helps with mental focus and sharpness, which is never a bad thing.
The thing that has helped me the most is the the little guide that comes with the 24-Day Challenge. It outlines what you should be taking and when. And I love the fact that I can eat fruit. For someone with a sweet tooth, it helps a lot with replacing the junk I would normally go for.
Also, another important thing is drinking enough water. I've been drinking 110oz water a day. Needless to say, I run to the bathroom a lot. But if it's flushing the toxins and bad gunk out of my system, I'm all for it. I've had more salads and veggies in the last couple of days than ever, but I guess that's a good thing.
She also told me to eat enough calories per day. She said that lots of people don't see results because they are not eating enough calories. While it seems a little counterintuitive, considering that she's done this before and lost weight (and built muscle), I trust what she says. So the funny thing is that when all you're eating is whole foods - proteins, fruits, veggies, and complex carbs - it takes A LOT of food to meet the calorie quota, even the lower side of the range!
Maybe I'm a little crazy for doing the 24-Day Challenge while it runs through Thanksgiving, but since we're not traveling to either side of the family and basically have to fend for ourselves, I think there will be a whole lot more self control. Plus, I'll be done with the cleanse by then!
Let's see how the rest of this cleanse phase goes....
I also have a crazy sweet tooth. Like, I love Halloween candy. And brownies. And cookies. And cake. And almost anything with sugar in it. Except for maybe Candy Corn. I hate Candy Corn.
I thought that I would be a raging lunatic come the first couple of days because I had to cut out sugar (at least all that processed junk) and coffee. I'm also a huge Starbucks nut. Last week, before starting the cleanse, I took advantage of the buy one - get one holiday drink offer. Yeah. I drank both.
So here we are. Day 4. I'm feeling pretty good.
I'm thrilled I don't have to drink the Fiber Drink for four days.
Real talk. The Fiber Drink is like trying to drink liquid sand. Or imagine that you pulverized tree bark and mixed it with water. It's kind like that. And it kind of smells like pencil shavings. Needless to say, it's not a pleasant experience. I chugged it down and tried not to gag.
But I gagged. All three days. It's bad.
The good thing is that I have four days off of the Fiber Drink. Hallelujah!
I'm also really glad that my sister-in-law told me to chug it and to chase it with Spark. Spark, on the other hand, is sweet and delicious. It definitely helps to replace any sugar/sweet cravings. And it's an energy drink that helps with mental focus and sharpness, which is never a bad thing.
The thing that has helped me the most is the the little guide that comes with the 24-Day Challenge. It outlines what you should be taking and when. And I love the fact that I can eat fruit. For someone with a sweet tooth, it helps a lot with replacing the junk I would normally go for.
Also, another important thing is drinking enough water. I've been drinking 110oz water a day. Needless to say, I run to the bathroom a lot. But if it's flushing the toxins and bad gunk out of my system, I'm all for it. I've had more salads and veggies in the last couple of days than ever, but I guess that's a good thing.
She also told me to eat enough calories per day. She said that lots of people don't see results because they are not eating enough calories. While it seems a little counterintuitive, considering that she's done this before and lost weight (and built muscle), I trust what she says. So the funny thing is that when all you're eating is whole foods - proteins, fruits, veggies, and complex carbs - it takes A LOT of food to meet the calorie quota, even the lower side of the range!
Maybe I'm a little crazy for doing the 24-Day Challenge while it runs through Thanksgiving, but since we're not traveling to either side of the family and basically have to fend for ourselves, I think there will be a whole lot more self control. Plus, I'll be done with the cleanse by then!
Let's see how the rest of this cleanse phase goes....
