I, for one, cannot believe that it's already July.
This marks the official halfway point of the year. It's an understatement to say this year has flown by for me.
It's been an interesting year, for sure.
At the end of last year I left my terrible full-time job. Honestly, I could have stayed, but it was a toxic environment and I just couldn't take it for my own sanity. My boss was not cut out to ever be a boss, and that's tough when he is the owner of the company too. Our work ethics just did not align. And maybe I just needed to put my head down, focus, and work.
But sometimes, all that stress, aggravation, discontent is just not worth the paycheck.
I thought I had a miserable job before, but this one definitely takes the crown and glory for worst job ever. It probably would have been better for me if I could relate on a cultural level. But I'm not making excuses for that place anymore.
I'm convinced that we were not able to get pregnant while I was working there because of the stress. Hormonal issues too, but I think the stress played a huge part of it. I almost tried to go on stress leave. Get a note from a doctor to take a couple weeks off. Seriously. Makes me crazy thinking about it.
After leaving that job, I decided to focus 100% of my time on my portrait photography business. I'm a high school senior photographer, specializing in portraits for smart, shy girls. And you know what? I'm haven't replaced my previous income with it yet, although I'm getting closer, but I'm 100% happier than when I was working at what I lovingly refer to as "The Sweat Shop" (not too far from the truth, haha).
So here we are. 6 months into 2015. Starting the 7th month.
Still nothing yet as far as knowing if we put a bun in the over or not. Which is good so far. I'm counting my blessings instead of stressing out over it.
Although, yeah, I'm a little stressed. But I know that's bad, so I'm going to go do some deep breathing.
I'm planning to take a test this weekend. I go to my OBGYN on Tuesday for my annual well woman exam, so hopefully my doc will be able to tell me what to expect....either way.
Day 28: Still Waiting
Yesterday marked Day 28 of this cycle.
It's crazy how aware you become of what day it is when you're keeping track of your cycles.
To most people that probably means nothing.
To a woman who is trying to conceive (TTC) or struggling with infertility it means a whole lot more.
So technically speaking the two week wait is over. I could theoretically take a pregnancy test if I wanted to.
AF did not arrive yesterday, so that's definitely a good sign.
Yet, I don't want to put all my hopeful eggs in one basket, if that metaphor makes sense.
Logically, I know I should at least wait until when my period is due and wait for that to be officially "late". And then I should probably wait another seven days after that.
Such a waiting game.
And I don't want to freak out or stress out about this because I know that's not good either. Maybe I'll go meditate. My favorite part of meditation? Falling asleep in corpse pose...that's what it's called, right yoga aficionados?
Well, we bought a set of pregnancy tests this weekend, but I'm definitely waiting to test because in the words of my pragmatic brain, I don't want to "waste" them. But it's true.
I know that I could purchase cheapie tests on Amazon, but again, I don't want to be wasteful...and let's face it, I also don't want to know the answer yet.
I do.
But I don't.
And I know that it won't be the end of the world if we are not pregnant this cycle. Just another month ahead of waiting and seeking.
On the other hand, I might go out of my mind if it is positive.
I'm trying not to wrap up my emotions in the outcome of the test. Clearly, I'm not doing that great of a job.
I will be fine either way (one more fine than the other, obviously). I trust the plan that is being carved out for us. I trust the big guy upstairs. Although, I'll admit, it's a constant reminder to myself that it's his timing, not my own. His plans, not my own. It's not easy.
I'm also really excited. Cautiously so, of course. And on the same note, I'm also really nervous.
So maybe I should get back to that idea of meditation to clear my fears and worries and focus on the positive.
And of course, the other logical thing is that I could just find out now...theoretically. I could test and just see what happens. But I decided that I would at least wait until AF is projected to arrive, which is Friday, July 3.
Considering that my cycles for the majority of 2014 and early 2015 have been about 31-33 days, I think it makes sense to wait at least until then to see what happens.
This journey is so crazy. I'm sure it's worth it, but gosh, the emotional roller coaster is not for the faint of heart.
It's crazy how aware you become of what day it is when you're keeping track of your cycles.
To most people that probably means nothing.
To a woman who is trying to conceive (TTC) or struggling with infertility it means a whole lot more.
So technically speaking the two week wait is over. I could theoretically take a pregnancy test if I wanted to.
AF did not arrive yesterday, so that's definitely a good sign.
Yet, I don't want to put all my hopeful eggs in one basket, if that metaphor makes sense.
Logically, I know I should at least wait until when my period is due and wait for that to be officially "late". And then I should probably wait another seven days after that.
Such a waiting game.
And I don't want to freak out or stress out about this because I know that's not good either. Maybe I'll go meditate. My favorite part of meditation? Falling asleep in corpse pose...that's what it's called, right yoga aficionados?
Well, we bought a set of pregnancy tests this weekend, but I'm definitely waiting to test because in the words of my pragmatic brain, I don't want to "waste" them. But it's true.
I know that I could purchase cheapie tests on Amazon, but again, I don't want to be wasteful...and let's face it, I also don't want to know the answer yet.
I do.
But I don't.
And I know that it won't be the end of the world if we are not pregnant this cycle. Just another month ahead of waiting and seeking.
On the other hand, I might go out of my mind if it is positive.
I'm trying not to wrap up my emotions in the outcome of the test. Clearly, I'm not doing that great of a job.
I will be fine either way (one more fine than the other, obviously). I trust the plan that is being carved out for us. I trust the big guy upstairs. Although, I'll admit, it's a constant reminder to myself that it's his timing, not my own. His plans, not my own. It's not easy.
I'm also really excited. Cautiously so, of course. And on the same note, I'm also really nervous.
So maybe I should get back to that idea of meditation to clear my fears and worries and focus on the positive.
And of course, the other logical thing is that I could just find out now...theoretically. I could test and just see what happens. But I decided that I would at least wait until AF is projected to arrive, which is Friday, July 3.
Considering that my cycles for the majority of 2014 and early 2015 have been about 31-33 days, I think it makes sense to wait at least until then to see what happens.
This journey is so crazy. I'm sure it's worth it, but gosh, the emotional roller coaster is not for the faint of heart.
The Two Week Wait
For anyone who is trying to get pregnant, you probably know what the two week wait is. It's that two week window from the time you ovulate until you can take a pregnancy test.
Well, we are in the two week wait. I try not to stress out about it, or hang all my dreams in the outcome of that test, but it's hard you know?
This past weekend, we flew out to Atlanta to hang out with my husband's family and we got to see our not so little nephew. He turns 9 months today, and is huge! He's exceeding all the markers (I think!) He's cute and such a sweet baby. He will be walking in no time.
I'm not going to lie, seeing him, getting to hang out with him, and seeing my husband interacting with him, just about made my ovaries burst. I know that my husband will be a great dad and they were so sweet together.
We went to the Georgia Aquarium, which was pretty cool, especially with the walk through shark tank. We also went to the World of Coca Cola, and before you get to walk through the exhibits, they show this short movie. It was about sharing a Coke, but really it was people sharing and doing life together. There was one part where a couple was surprising a set of parents about becoming grandparents.
I almost started crying. Like, I felt it tug on my heartstrings. I want to do that for my parents and my in-laws. I want to see their faces and their reactions when we can finally tell them that we are expecting our own.
It's in times of waiting that you really learn about yourself and your faith. Do I trust God or am I putting my trust in myself? I know for a fact that I won't be able to do this without God. Only He is able to do amazing and miraculous things, and whenever we are blessed with a baby, it will truly be a gift and a miracle from God.
Living in a very NOW society, where people can get what they want nearly instantaneously, it's hard to wait. It's difficult to be patient. When we don't get what we want when we want it, we start to wonder if God is still out there and listening to us or not.
God is there. He is listening. But His plans are not our own.
This has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. My plans are good, but His plans are greater.
I have to trust that He has a plan for us and for our lives, and even though we may not understand His plan at this time, he is refining us for the future.
More often than not, that is way harder for me to understand than it is to type.
So here we are. In a season of waiting...within a season of waiting.
I believe that we can be parents, but I won't be wrapping my life's happiness and joy in this month's cycle. I know that's the hard part.
I have this inner battle - of being cautiously optimistic and realistic....but then I have to remind myself that God is able to do abundantly more that I could ever ask or imagine. He is able when I am not. He can do more than I ever could. However, it will all unfold in HIS timing, not my own!
Well, we are in the two week wait. I try not to stress out about it, or hang all my dreams in the outcome of that test, but it's hard you know?
This past weekend, we flew out to Atlanta to hang out with my husband's family and we got to see our not so little nephew. He turns 9 months today, and is huge! He's exceeding all the markers (I think!) He's cute and such a sweet baby. He will be walking in no time.
I'm not going to lie, seeing him, getting to hang out with him, and seeing my husband interacting with him, just about made my ovaries burst. I know that my husband will be a great dad and they were so sweet together.
We went to the Georgia Aquarium, which was pretty cool, especially with the walk through shark tank. We also went to the World of Coca Cola, and before you get to walk through the exhibits, they show this short movie. It was about sharing a Coke, but really it was people sharing and doing life together. There was one part where a couple was surprising a set of parents about becoming grandparents.
I almost started crying. Like, I felt it tug on my heartstrings. I want to do that for my parents and my in-laws. I want to see their faces and their reactions when we can finally tell them that we are expecting our own.
It's in times of waiting that you really learn about yourself and your faith. Do I trust God or am I putting my trust in myself? I know for a fact that I won't be able to do this without God. Only He is able to do amazing and miraculous things, and whenever we are blessed with a baby, it will truly be a gift and a miracle from God.
Living in a very NOW society, where people can get what they want nearly instantaneously, it's hard to wait. It's difficult to be patient. When we don't get what we want when we want it, we start to wonder if God is still out there and listening to us or not.
God is there. He is listening. But His plans are not our own.
This has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. My plans are good, but His plans are greater.
I have to trust that He has a plan for us and for our lives, and even though we may not understand His plan at this time, he is refining us for the future.
More often than not, that is way harder for me to understand than it is to type.
So here we are. In a season of waiting...within a season of waiting.
I believe that we can be parents, but I won't be wrapping my life's happiness and joy in this month's cycle. I know that's the hard part.
I have this inner battle - of being cautiously optimistic and realistic....but then I have to remind myself that God is able to do abundantly more that I could ever ask or imagine. He is able when I am not. He can do more than I ever could. However, it will all unfold in HIS timing, not my own!
Day 14: Ovidrel Injection
I went to my Ultrasound appointment and my doctor decided to proceed with the Ovidrel injection to be administered on Day 14, which was yesterday.
Sometimes, this journey just drives me crazy due to the lack of empathy of some people.
So what had happened was...
My doctor prescribed the Ovidrel to induce ovulation.
I visit my local pharmacy, Walgreens, to see if they can fulfill the prescription.
They tell me that they don't keep it in stock, but if I can find a Walgreens that has it in stock, then they can access my prescription through their system.
I call a couple of different Walgreens and they don't have it in stock. They would have to special order it and it would not be available until at least Monday because it usually takes a business day for it to come in. And it was Friday.
So I called my Doctor's office to tell them of my situation. And man, I'm not sure if I spoke to a nurse or a medical assistant (but I'm leaning towards medical assistant) and wow, she did not listen very well.
To make a long story short, about four phone calls later, they finally got their butts in gear and found somewhere I could pick up the Ovidrel. While I was super annoyed at first, I was thankful that they were able to help me eventually.
While stabbing yourself in the stomach isn't the most fun activity, it actually wasn't too bad. I had my husband pinch my skin and I injected the syringe. It didn't even hurt. Just a little prick.
So now we wait. Well, you know, get busy and wait. The injection point doesn't hurt at all, which I'm thankful for. I do also have to use Estradiol suppositories, joy.
I've decided that instead of lamenting over the infertility we've been going through, I'm going to focus on the possibility. I am able to get pregnant. I release the need to control when I get pregnant and I know that I will be pregnant when the time is right.
Yes, those are positive affirmations. And even if I sound silly, I want to focus on what I want instead of what I don't have. I want to spread gratitude. I want to spread abundance.
We'll see!
Day 12: Ultrasound Day
After finally going back to my OBGYN after about a 6 month break from fertility medications, taking a course of Clomid and estrogen supplements, today is the day. Today I will have an ultrasound to see if Clomid worked and if it's viable to trigger ovulation.
The biggest things I struggle with is the probability. Even if the Clomid stimulated follicles to mature and the estrogen supplements helped to thicken the uterine lining, that doesn't guarantee anything.
It's definitely a journey of both science and faith.
Which makes it really difficult to see all the people who it "just happens" for. Because really, there are a whole lot of people out there who it doesn't just "happen" for.
And I know that by comparing myself to other women, I'm only going to drive myself bananas. It's something that I struggle with on the daily and every time I see an announcement, I feel like it's another dig of what I haven't been able to do yet.
I also know that I need to stay faithful. To believe that it is possible. To know that we can become parents someday.
It's truly like fighting an enemy daily to tell him to shut up and go away.
The doubt.
The fear.
The negative, fatalistic thinking.
I have to be positive and go in with the best attitude.
In the last six months, I have lost 15lbs (which I'm hoping helps with the PCOS symptoms) and I'm exercising 5 days a week and eating a generally clean diet. It's hard to know what else I could be doing more of or better at, without making crazy drastic changes (what else is there left to do?)
All in all, I'm excited to go back to the doctor's office today to at least see what's next and what lies ahead. I want to be positive even if the outcome isn't what I'm hoping for. That's the hardest part, and yet the key....
