Balancing Hope and Disappointment

I know there are tons of quotes about rejection and not giving up.

About perseverance in the face of adversity.

About staying positive and moving forward.

Infertility messes you up.

Not just in the obvious sense of not being able to conceive easily, but mentally as well. It's

I'm pretty sure that after I experienced my miscarriage, I went into a state of depression. I'm thinking that it was on the milder side of things since I was still functioning, still able to get out of bed, and still able to do every day things. I did notice, however, that I didn't have the same drive or motivation to do things as I once did.

My dream of becoming a mother had finally come true, and on our own at that, and then just as quickly as we realized our dream, it was shattered. Into a million pieces.

I felt like I was in a million pieces.

Maybe I deal with grief more gracefully, or maybe I just lie to myself that I'm doing just fine.

Infertility infiltrates your life in a way that you might not even see coming. It lingers like that pimple that just won't go away or mosquito bite that just won't heal.

It seeps into your inner thoughts making you wonder why you should keep on believing or keep on trying. What's the point?

We're looking to possibly make a move and move into a bigger home in a better neighborhood for our future kids. The thoughts of, "What if we never have kids to fill this house?" creep into my head and make me question everything we're doing.

And that's not even addressing the stress that comes with everything it costs to go through and treat infertility. It's not cheap.

It's really upsetting that it is so simple (and inexpensive) to end a life through abortion, and yet it can be ridiculously cost-prohibitive for couples to start a family. I'm not trying to get in a debate about abortion, but I'd like to address the elephant in the room. I think that needs to be something politicians think about.

Every cycle that we go into, I start out ever so hopeful. Like, this could be it. This will be the cycle that gets us our baby.  I follow the protocol, the injections, the pills, the medications.

We try to do everything we can to have the best outcome.

And then disappointment.

How do you hang onto hope when you face disappointment? I don't have a clear answer.

I try to turn to gratitude and find the things that I'm grateful for. But I'd be remiss if I said that I didn't also take some time to be sad about it.

I think the key to balancing hope and disappointment is to not remain in disappointment. To take it for what it is and continue moving forward.

How do you hold onto hope in the midst of disappointment?

Our Infertility Journey

Going through infertility is probably one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in my adult life. It's kind of weird because it's not a life-threatening condition, per se, but it is a disease. One that people often suffer in silence with. 

However, infertility has also proved to be a great blessing. How? If it wasn't for being on this journey through the waters of infertility, I would have never met the amazing community of ladies who are going through the same thing. We all belong to a club that we wish we weren't a part of, and each wait for the day when our membership is revoked. We can't wait to be kicked out of the club.

I don't think I've shared our own infertility journey, and if anything, it needs a little updating. 

We got married in July 2009 and because we dated long distance for three years, we wanted to spend the first couple of years of marriage as a couple. We knew we wanted children, but we wanted to savor the time just the two of us. 

In 2012, during my annual well woman exam at my OBGYN's office, I was officially diagnosed with PCOS - polycystic ovarian syndrome. I had the symptoms: trouble losing weight, craving carbs, unwanted facial hair, thinning hair, irregular periods... All "manageable" symptoms through nutrition and exercise, but annoying nonetheless. Since we were not yet trying to start a family, I continued on the pill to regulate my cycles.

In 2013, we were ready to start trying for a family. I came off the pill and knew that it could take a couple of months for my hormones to regulate. We made it to the end of 2013 with no success.

In 2014, after about a year of trying, we saw my OBGYN to try some medicated, timed intercourse cycles. We did Femara/Letrozole and also tried Clomid. I seemed to respond decently to the medication, but no pregnancies. 

In June 2014, my OBGYN referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist - the office whose Letrozole and Clomid protocols she was following. I made the appointment and went to my first RE consultation.

I went to the consultation by myself and walked away overwhelmed and unimpressed. The doctor I met with didn't take any time to get any of my history (which I thought was important) and quickly launched into a standard protocol of Clomid and trigger shot.

At the time I wasn't as familiar with medicated cycle protocols as I am now, and I felt like the doctor was not listening to me. My OBGYN had suggested that I had a uterine lining issue (it was thinner than ideal), and told me to tell the RE. Well, he didn't even listen to that. I felt like I was wasting my time if he was just suggesting the same thing I had already done at my OBGYN's office.

I was annoyed. I didn't like that he didn't get to know me at all. I felt like a number and he was just giving me the standard plan of care. I felt like if I was going to have to pay out of pocket for this anyway, I needed to like my healthcare provider.

Needless to say, I did not return to his office ever again. 

At the end of 2014, I did return to my OBGYN's office for two more medicated cycle attempts. When our final attempt had no progress, we decided to take a break from medicated cycles. Around the same time, I also started seeing the nutrition testing specialist through my chiropractor. We started supplementing what I was deficient in to help rebalance my hormones.

I continued to see the nutrition testing specialist through the beginning of 2015. I was a lot of vitamins and supplements, and I felt like if I could help my issues in a natural way, that would be great. 

After about a six month break, I started to look into a new reproductive endocrinologist. There were a few top offices in our area that I found.

I had a couple important criteria I wanted in a doctor:

• female doctor
• experience with PCOS
• compassionate, empathetic, kind

While I know that male doctors are probably just as qualified as female doctors, I believe that female doctors understand these issues on a level that a man cannot. I feel way more comfortable with a female doctor and it helps when she can empathize (NOT sympathize) with me.

In July 2015, I made an appointment with an RE at a new practice. Based on her online profile, she seemed to fit most of my criteria. The personality component would be determined at our consultation.

Well, long story short, I LOVE our RE! She fits all the criteria and really appreciated that she spent about an hour with us going over our family histories, our personal medical histories, and personally did my first baseline ultrasound. I was impressed. She was kind and carefully reviewed our case to give us her honest suggested plan of care.

In August 2015, while waiting for my cycle to start before we could move forward with the plan of care with our RE, I was on cycle day 40...and I took a pregnancy test. It was positive! I had never seen a positive test before! Coincidentally, the RE's office called that same day to have me come in for routine bloodwork. I told them that I had a positive home pregnancy test and they said they'd do a beta Hcg test as well.

Later that day, it was confirmed that I was indeed pregnant, with an hCG level of over 9,000! (If you're new to beta numbers, that's super high! I didn't really know at the time how high that was). The following week, we went in for our first ultrasound and we got to see the gestational sacs...there were two! But only one looked to be growing. However...based on the date of my last period, it looked like the size was a little bit behind, so they had me come in the following week to check again.

The following week, there was no progress in growth. The doctor seemed to be cautiously optimistic about it, and had me come in the following week. She said that if there were no changes or heartbeat the next week, then we'd have to discuss options.

Well, in September 2015, I miscarried. Our baby stopped growing at about 5 weeks. We never got an accurate reading/measurement and never saw a heartbeat. I opted to take the medication to help move the miscarriage along after waiting two weeks to miscarry naturally. You can read about that here.

After the miscarriage, I had to wait for my cycle to return. My first period post-miscarriage was insanely heavy. Like...crazy heavy. The second cycle was a little bit more normal.

In November 2015 after my cycle started, I had my original testing done (that didn't happen because we took a detour with a positive pregnancy test), and that included an HSG and hysteroscopy. My doctor found a polyp during the hysteroscopy and my tubes were clear following the HSG. I experienced minimal pain with both, but I have a higher tolerance for pain.

In December 2015, I had a hysteroscopic polypectomy to remove the polyp. It was pretty easy. I was nervous about the anesthesia, but it turned out to be an amazing nap. I went home that morning and had another great nap. I felt pretty good the next day.

At the end of December, we tried a Letrozole cycle with trigger, except during my Day 12 soon, I had already ovulated.

We did a Letrozole + Ovidrel trigger at the end of January 2016.

In February 2016, we did Letrozole + Follistim + Ovidrel trigger + IUI.

In March 2016, when I went in for my baseline, they found a cyst lingering on my ovary, after having a super light period.

About two and a half weeks later when I thought my cycle started again, they saw the same cyst, but it was smaller. So I had to wait until it cleared.

My normal cycle started at the end of April 2016, however, because I was going to be out of town and unable to come in for monitoring, we have to wait until the next cycle.

I feel like waiting is the story of my life lately!

So here we are...waiting....waiting...waiting.

I'm a professional at waiting!

The Cost of Infertility

Sometimes, I wonder if pharmaceutical companies are in cahoots.

Actually, I assume they totally are.

After talking to my RE about next steps, I was prescribed Follistim in a low dose as well as Ovidrel. I remember the first time I paid for Ovidrel and it wasn't covered by our insurance. It was about $175 cash price. 

I thought that was expensive.

Then I was introduced to Follistim.

I received a phone call from the specialty cash pharmacy on my way to my doctor's appointment. I asked about my options and when I would need to ship the meds by. Well, since I would need the medication on Monday, and I was talking to them on Friday, they would have to ship on Friday for Saturday delivery since you have to keep the stuff refrigerated.

Then I asked the amount. 

I kindly asked if I could call them back after I had been to my doctor's appointment.

After going to the doctor, they instructed me to also give my insurance provider's pharmacy a call. For us, it's Caremark/CVS. Now, I must say that they are great and also not so great. They are great if the medication is something generic and general. 

I'm thrilled to say that the Metformin 90-day supply (that I take for PCOS) is $0.36! Yeah, ridiculously cheap. Even the Letrozole, because it's an off-label use is just $0.22. Like, I felt bad swiping a card to pay that little amount. 

Now fertility meds on the other hand, not so great. Like flipping expensive...like I imagine how depressing it would be to be going through infertility and then have the barrier of how expensive it is keep you from moving forward. And through Caremark, with some unknown amount of coverage was still more than twice the cost from the cash pharmacy!

I ended up ordering Ovidrel from our insurance pharmacy (since cost was the same as the cash pharmacy) and Follistim through the cash pharmacy.

Out of curiosity, I checked another online pharmacy that carries Follistim...that was another $100 more than Caremark!

My heart goes out to all the people who are going through infertility and doing IVF and have a PLETHORA more medications compared to what I had to order. I can't even imagine paying for all of that out of pocket.

It's pretty ridiculous. Why is it SO expensive to get help to have a baby? And yet it's so simple to terminate a pregnancy? I don't want to get into a political debate about it all, but it just feels like women who need assistance conceiving are penalized over something they can't control. And that premium? 

Cahoots. 

Starting Again

I never expected that we'd have to wait so long to get started trying again after the miscarriage. Now, having experienced one, I know so much more and have so much more empathy for all the women who have had one or multiple miscarriages.

Any miscarriage is heartbreaking.

I think it's because you have that glimmer of hope. If you had a positive pregnancy test, there's a special kind of exhilaration you experience when you've been trying for years for this one thing to finally happen.

And then it's all taken away.

In addition to the emotional toll that it takes, there's also a physical toll.

I experienced our miscarriage in September 2015.

My RE then told me to wait until my next two regular cycles.

My first cycle post-miscarriage was the heaviest, longest period I've ever experienced. It felt like a mini-miscarriage minus the cramps.

My second cycle post-miscarriage was still on the heavier than normal side (for me), but a lot more normal than that first cycle post-miscarriage.

So that brought us to November, at which point, my RE had us come in for the remainder of the testing that we never had done when we first met with her because I had a positive pregnancy test...all kinds of crazy.

I had a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and a hysteroscopy.

The hysterosalpingogram is where they set you up underneath an x-ray machine, inject dye to see if your fallopian tubes are clear. For me, the experience was mostly painless - there was some pressure from injecting the dye, but my doctor talked me through it as she completed the procedure. I felt some cramping, but nothing major, and nothing in comparison to the miscarriage. I have heard from other women, however, who have said that when they had the HSG done, it was a very painful experience. I think it really depends on you, your doctor, and your pain threshold.

As far as the hysteroscopy, you're lying down on a exam table, and the doctor will insert a scope with a small/tiny camera to check out your insides. It takes all of about 2-3 minutes and it's similar pressure and I'd say less painful than the HSG. My doctor did find evidence of a polyp on the back wall of my uterus as well as the site of where implantation had occurred. They call it "products of conception."

Because of the polyp, my RE recommended to have it removed as she suspected that it could have contributed to the cause of the miscarriage. We'll never fully know, but for me, it makes me feel a little better knowing there was some kind of "reason" for it happening.

In December, at the start of my next cycle, I had the surgery. It was a hysteroscopic polypectomy, which is a fancy way of saying that the polyp was removed with a hysteroscope. Thankfully that meant that no incisions were made on me. I was put under general anesthesia for the first time ever, and while I was a little apprehensive about it, it was the best sleep that I can remember.

For me, the surgery was easy. I had surgery on Friday, napped most of Friday afternoon, and felt pretty back to normal by Saturday afternoon. I had to take a week off of exercise/activity until my post-op appointment, but otherwise, everything was back to normal.

So that brings us back to now. At my post-op appointment, my RE told me that the surgery was a success and that she removed the polyp and "products of conception". She asked me what we wanted to do and if we were ready to try again. I said that we were ready. I went in for a baseline ultrasound right before Christmas and started Letrozole. I had a Day 11 ultrasound and it looked like I had already ovulated. They drew blood for a progesterone test, and later that day confirmed that ovulation had occurred. At that point we just had to wait to see what the two week wait might present.

Two days before I expected my period, and on the day that the RE's nurse had told me I could take a HPT, my cycle started.

Sometimes I just want to tell my body to stop being so rude.

So I called my RE's office to let them know that my cycle started again, and I went back in for a baseline ultrasound this past Monday on Day 4. I started Letrozole on Day 4, and I'll go in for a follow up ultrasound on Day 8 - a few days earlier than typical with the hope that we don't miss the ovulation window...because the plan is to trigger ovulation with Ovidrel.

It was weird that I ovulated so early last cycle, but after asking in my support groups, it sounds like other ladies who also took Letrozole experienced some early ovulation as well.

So we'll see what happens this cycle.

Our New RE // Cycle Day 37

Last week we had our appointment with a new reproductive endocrinologist.

It was a great experience! I'm so happy that we have found her and feel so reassured after meeting with her. Like a mentioned in my previous post, it was important to me to find a female reproductive endocrinologist. It's not that I don't trust men, it's just that I don't think male doctors who work in the lady part department will ever FULLY grasp what it's like. Sure they can try to empathize and if their wife has ever gone through infertility they can kind of get it....but it's just not quite the same as a female doctor who has had experience with infertility herself.

The experience was excellent from the get-go. I called the make the appointment and the receptionist was super friendly and got me set up in a jiffy. The day before my appointment someone called to confirm and had a bright and cheerful voice on the phone. (I point this out because the medical assistant at my OBGYN's office has the worst phone voice ever...as if it's torture for her to be talking on the phone - she sounds so bored and annoyed.)

That, in and of itself, made me calmer and look forward to the appointment.

My husband came to the appointment with me and though he technically was not required to be there, I was really happy to have him by my side. After the usual wait in a doctor's office and filling out some additional paperwork, I had my vitals taken, and we were led into the doctor's office.

Her office was bright, with comfy chairs and colorful pillows - definitely a woman's office! Dr. T came in and greeted us with a smile on her face. (I point out these details because they make a difference - to me at least!) She took time to take our history and ask relevant questions. I could tell that she was really listening and trying to get a good understanding of our current situation. It felt nice to talk to someone who was really listening and interested. We talked about my PCOS, when I was diagnosed, what I've done to manage it, and she even gave me some more understanding about what was going on.

My husband had just had an SA the week before this RE appointment. Unfortunately, we had not yet received the results...which you know can make anyone nervous. We didn't receive the results until the end of the week and spoiler alert - he's normal!

After taking our histories, the doctor took us in for an ultrasound to check things out. It was the first time that I had a doctor (and not an ultrasound tech) do the vaginal ultrasound. She pointed out everything as she was going and it was the first time that anything had ever been really pointed out to me. Good news, she counted follicles (so it seems like eggs are not currently an issue) and it looked like one of them was nice and big for ovulation. She ordered a blood test to check to see if I had ovulated as well.

Overall, I was just thrilled with how the appointment went. She was very friendly and warm - something that I feel is hard to come by with doctors. When it comes to something like this, infertility, I need someone who is going to be empathetic and sensitive to the experience. I wouldn't do well with someone who was all "JUST THE FACTS". I know some people prefer that, but not me. I like the warm fuzzies. It helps so much with the trust factor.

It was such a contrast from my experience last year. I also had a year of infertility experience and further understanding, but also the doctor herself was a dream in comparison. And let's just say that I had heard no reassuring comments about last year's doctor through the grapevine.

So the plan is to wait until my next cycle, do one more medicated cycle but with Femara, and see what happens before exploring IUI's etc. The doctor says we're "boring" (in a good way) and that because of the PCOS we may just need a little extra nudge in the direction of getting knocked up.

And now we wait.

Oh waiting. It's not for the faint of heart or the patient. Ha.

Well, I got the lab results from my blood test to check for ovulation and I measured at 16. The nurse said that they like anything above an 11 to indicate ovulation, so I hope this is good sign. The great thing is that even if this cycle doesn't result in pregnancy, I feel 110% confident in my new doctor to help us.

Here we are...cycle day 37.

I have to wait until at least CD 42 or 45 before testing...I know I could test...but I'm so pragmatic I don't want to waste them! Haha.

Finding a Reproductive Endocrinologist

Well, the time has come.

I made an appointment to see a specialist officially.

Our new insurance has settled into place and I opted to go see a different RE's office from last year.

Last June, on recommendation from my OBGYN, I went to see a reproductive endocrinologist for a consultation. Now, I don't know if I was having an off day, or if the doctor was in a rush, but I didn't get a good feeling from the consultation.

I felt like just another number. I also went to the consultation alone, so I felt a little flustered and I totally forgot about questions I had wanted to ask.

Basically, the experience was not high on my list of "best things ever." I just got a weird vibe. Plus, it felt like the doctor didn't care that I had already had some medicated cycles. He wanted to take me through the exact same process and our insurance (at the time) wasn't going to cover any of it. (What every women going through infertility wants to hear, hooray!)

We went back to my OBGYN (because pragmatism usually wins in my brain) and tried a couple more cycles of Clomid. After the cycle from October did not work, we decided to take a break from the drugs. Who knew what all they were doing to my system. My ovaries needed a break.

In May, we decided to revisit the medicated cycles with my OBGYN. We started Clomid at the beginning of June's cycle...and well, here we are.

Due to complications with our new insurance and all the changeover and new rules and such, we were not able to obtain medications to do another medicated cycle in July. It was totally frustrating and insurance companies are SUCH A RACKET...let's just say that the beginning of this month was not a walk in the park.

A couple weeks in, we celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary, and by that time I was strangely at peace. There was nothing that I could do and all we could do was wait.

I finally bit the bullet and did some research within our insurance network as well as the local Facebook group I'm in for recommendations for RE's offices. There were some criteria I was looking for:

1. Female doctor - When it comes to lady parts.... I just don't trust male doctors. In my opinion because they don't have said lady parts, they will never TRULY understand what it's like to be pregnant, have a period, not be able to get pregnant or go through IVF. Sure, they can have the male perspective, but I'm unconvinced that a male doctor really gets it. I know, I know, it's totally a personal problem...but I can't help to think that it would be weird for a man to see a female urologist...she can't know what that's like either.

2. Background and understanding of PCOS - Since I believe our conundrum has to do with anovulation due to PCOS, I want my doctor to have a good understanding of PCOS and everything that comes with it.

Sure, some people look for the doctor's with the best success rates...but how do you really know if those numbers aren't skewed in the positive. How do we know that all the failures are not accounted for.

These two things were really important to me.

I'll be honest, I'm nervous about our appointment tomorrow. I don't know what's in store. I do know that it's simply a consultation and the doctor will probably recommend a basic course of "treatment".

On another note, it's kind of frustrating...this whole healthcare system. It just seems like a different, but similar version of our government. Lots of hoops to jump through. Lots of bureaucracy. Lots of red tape.

Anyway, my OBGYN referred my husband for an SA since we hadn't done one already and our new insurance won't approve fertility treatments without one on file. (SEE THOSE HOOPS...I get it, but still). He went last week when I was out of town and the results have been sent to my OBGYN...but she just got back from vacation and has to review the results before they can tell us the results. And when you're not the most patient person in the world, it's pretty frustrating to have to wait for test results when you know THEY HAVE THE RESULTS.

Plus, since we're going to see the specialist tomorrow...I kind of want to know what the results are so that we can give that information to the doctor which will help with next steps.

But you know what...there's nothing I can do about that. I can pray that we'll have some answers tomorrow before our appointment and if we don't, I'll just have to roll with it.

Here's to a great appointment tomorrow!

I already have a feeling that I will like this office better - female doctor and super friendly staff. The woman who called to confirm my appointment was so nice on the phone...I was very impressed.

Dear Aunt Flo...

Why must you show up at the most inopportune moments? Seriously.

My period tracker app, Glow, estimated that my period should start on October 2. Then, unbeknownst to me, on September 30th there seems to be some spotting (sorry if it's TMI). When I noticed, I start Googling, and I try to convince myself that maybe it's implantation bleeding. The only thing is that the dates don't line up for it to be that.

I try to talk myself out of the idea that it's my period coming. Because that means the Ovidrel didn't work. Because it means that I stabbed myself in the stomach for seemingly nothing. Because it means that I wasted precious dollars on a dream deferred.

Alas, we are not pregnant. And AF came early. So instead of 28 days, it was 27. How rude is that? Especially when last month it was 31 days. Hey, body, get it together.

Seeing as how we're not pregnant, I'm giving the chemicals and drugs a rest. It was actually kind of weird to not start taking something on Day 3. It was a good feeling, strangely enough. I'm okay with it. I trust God and what he has planned for us, and it's this whole trying to get pregnant thing has me clinging to him. Trusting him. No matter what.

So what's next?

Well, in my never-ending research for resolving my PCOS and infertility, from supplements and superfoods, and vitamins and green smoothies, I started to look into Essential Oils. I have a handful of friends who swear by their oils for various uses, mostly for allergies, immunity, germs, and stress. Stuff started popping up in my Facebook feed more and more that I just had to check it out.

I'm a fairly skeptical person, and while I don't have any idea if Essential Oils will work for me or not, I'm thinking that at least it's all natural. It's not more chemicals and these oils have been shown to balance hormones (which is my main problem!) and help manage a whole bunch (too numerous to list) of ailments and issues.

After a lot of Googling and searching through blogs on Essential Oils, I found a few articles that specifically talked about PCOS and infertility. If figure that I can give it a whirl. Why not? It seems like a better choice than more Clomid and freaking my ovaries out and messing with natural hormones like estrogen and progesterone. I believe that I have estrogen-dominance and progesterone deficiency.

Fertility & PCOS:
Balanced Essentials
Essential Oils & Supplements for Male and Female Fertility
3 Essential Oils that Enhance Fertility
Essential Oils and Fertility
Female Infertility & Essential Oils
Increase Fertility with Essential Oils
Aromatherapy for Fertility
Ocotea Essential Oil
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

So I think that I'm going to take the plunge. Take the plunge into Essential Oils. Since I have a bunch of friends using Young Living, that's the route I've decided to go.

I'm looking forward to trying something new and healing myself naturally!

Natural Healing and All Things Woo-Woo

In our quest to get pregnant, I've been researching all kinds of things. And while I know it's more common to go the Western route and find a good reproductive endocrinologist (RE), there's just something about all the drugs and chemicals that makes me wary.

My period tracking app, Glow, tells me that I should get my next period on October 2. This has me thinking about several things. First, what if the Ovidrel and Clomid works and we get pregnant?! Second, what if the Ovidrel and Clomid didn't work, and yet another month "wasted". Third, what can I be doing to help myself that doesn't involve medication? Fourth, could this nutrition testing thing really work?

The "What-If's" are killer. I know I shouldn't dwell in them. It'll make me crazy.

So, I don't even know the actual "correct" term of the appointments I'm going to. But it's through my chiropractors office and they call it "Nutrition". I think the tech is a naturopath, trained in nutrition testing. Basically, she checks my nervous system for pulses and can find my deficiencies and areas that need supplementation.

Yeah, it looks and seems totally woo-woo.

I'm like, I could totally fake that. How do I know what she's doing is even real? How does she "feel" these things? It's really weird. But every time that I see her, and she gives me a new supplement, I Google it, and it seems to line up. On my first visit, she asked me if I ever had trouble with my thyroid. And I know that I'm probably a good candidate for hypothyroidism, but it's never come up with my doctor.

Anyway, I take so many supplements these days it's comical. I take Advocare's MNS 3 packets. I also take a whole host of different whole food supplements from my chiropractor. On top of that I have my Metformin prescription for the PCOS and prenatal vitamins. I imagine I have some really expensive pee.

Too far?

And then this cycle we did the Clomid and Ovidrel. Gosh, this waiting period is long, yet short. It's one of those situations where I just want to know! So that I can move to the next step, depending on what that is. I know that I shouldn't live in anticipation of what's next, but rather savor where I am now. I do. I try not to think about it too much, but when I walk my dog in the mornings, it's thoughts like this that tend to consume me.

I'm also wondering if at the end of the 12 nutrition appointments, if I should continue. It's OF COURSE not covered by insurance, so it's all out of pocket, and with the number of supplements I'm taking on a daily basis, it adds up quickly.

Thanks to good ol' Google, you can find a lot of information, and I have been reading up on Natural Fertility Info, and I think that may be next (if the Ovidrel didn't do it's thing). I've been reading about Femaprin and Maca Root, Vitex, Royal Jelly, and Evening Primrose Oil.

I told my husband that if we don't get pregnant, that I'd like to give the prescriptions a rest for the remainder of the year. Trying to get pregnant is hard work! (Yes, that's funny depending how you read it.) It's also way more difficult for us who have conditions like PCOS. Oh and I just learned that September is PCOS Awareness Month. If you want a comprehensive rundown of PCOS, check out Chelsea's post here.

I know it's in this period of waiting that I need to hold tight to my faith. And that's always the hardest time to do that. I know that He is able to exceed beyond what we could ever ask for or imagine. So I do, I hold tight to His promises and His will, especially during this time of waiting.

Adventures in Fertility

Dealing with infertility has been a roller coaster journey. There are ups and downs and days when you feel completely filled with hope and other days when you feel completely depleted. And it feels like a lonely journey because not many people talk about it. Or they talk about it after they've made it to the other side - after they successfully get pregnant.

It's crazy to me that the one thing I had avoided for several years is now the thing that I want so badly. It makes me wonder if being on birth control previously was even worth it. Well, due to the PCOS, I think it was a necessary evil.

Last cycle (August), we did a round of Clomid and I matured some follicles. Yay! However, my uterine lining was not thick enough. AGAIN. Womp womp. When stuff like this happens, besides feeling disappointed, I also feel like a month of my life was wasted and so was that money for the fertility drugs. Yet another month not pregnant. I know that's not really reality, but that's what it feels like.

This cycle, we did another round of Clomid, this time with Estradiol suppositories. Yeah, suppositories. It's about as glamorous as it sounds. Not at all. It's weird and awkward and there are side effects. Like hot flashes. (I'm too young for those!) The suppositories are supposed to help with the lining to thicken up. I had to go to a special compounding pharmacy to pick those bad boys up. For five days, starting on Day 3, I was taking the Clomid (100mg) and inserting the estrogen suppositories before bedtime.

On Day 11, I went back to my OBGYN for an ultrasound to see how the fertility drugs had worked. Well, I matured another two follicles. However, that lining? That lining is stubborn and did not take to the suppositories like it was supposed to. But since we've been working on getting me pregnant for months now, my OBGYN decided to make the executive decision to go for it anyway and trigger ovulation with the handy dandy pre-filled syringe - Ovidrel as well as some oral Estradiol tablets.

My doctor showed me how to pinch my stomach and administer the shot. It's a good thing I'm not scared of needles. She ordered the prescription and I gathered my courage for this next step.

I went to our local Walgreens to pick everything up, except it turns out that they don't have the Ovidrel in stock. So I asked if they could find it because it was important that I take it the next day. After waiting in the Walgreens sitting area for almost 45 minutes, the pharmacist was able to track down a syringe of the stuff about 30 minutes away. Considering that I didn't have much of a choice, we drove out there. Oh by the way, that was not a cheap prescription...since it's not covered by insurance. (Apparently I need to move to Massachusetts where good insurance exists!)

The next day, Day 12, we did the trigger shot. I asked my husband to hold my skin for me as I gave myself the shot. And it wasn't bad at all. The needle is so skinny that it pretty much just slides under the skin and you kind of feel a small pinch when you inject the fluid, but it was no big deal especially in comparison to say a blood draw or giving blood. The needle was way smaller.

And then, as they say on pregnancy forums, there was required BD time. It took some Googling to figure out that stands for "Baby Dance"...I'm so not current on pregnancy acronyms. It's slightly unnerving when you have to BD at a certain and time, but at least it's fun.

And now we wait. We wait to see if AF (Aunt Flo, more acronyms!) comes in two weeks. Even then if AF doesn't come, I feel like I need to wait at least another week in case it's off by a few days.

I'm feeling hopeful, but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up too high, because the disappointment is going to be big.

The waiting feels like torture. Because I want to think about it. I want to make scenarios of "what ifs" and such. I obviously want it to be positive. Want more acronyms? I want a BFP (big fat positive).

(Side note: I've never participated in online pregnancy forums, partially because half the time I can't read what they are saying because of all the darn acronyms - I do see how they are handy though.)

Are you going through infertility? What is your story?

Is it time for a Specialist?

Back in June, I went to see my doctor for a follow up after taking Femara to stimulate my ovaries and hopefully ovulate. I went in for a sonogram, and while some follicles had matured, the lining of the uterus was not thick enough to support implantation.

Or as I understood it, even if there was a fertilized egg, it wouldn't stick, and the pregnancy wouldn't stick. Great.

But, my OBGYN wasn't discouraged, and referred me to an RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist for those who can't read pregnancy/infertility code (I always have to google it). I thought it might be a little premature to see a specialist, but she was confident that they could give me better guidance than she could. She just felt it was slightly out of her scope of knowledge when it comes to OBGYN stuff. And since I'm just a tad over 30, she said she didn't need to be wasting my time if it wasn't going to work.

Now here's the thing with going to see a fertility specialist. I feel like "fertility" is sort of like the word "wedding". You add it in front of anything and instantly things get expensive. Oh and unless you have crazy awesome insurance, insurance typically doesn't cover fertility specialists.

Or as the insurance customer service rep said, "You plan covers diagnostics, but if you are diagnosed with anything, there is no coverage." Yay. Awesome. Sweet. I get to pay everything!

But when you want a baby, and you know that there's still hope that you can have one yourself, you'll do what you need to do. So I made an appointment, wrote down all the notes that my OBGYN had told me so I could prep for the consultation, and got ready.

The RE's office warned me that I would have to pay the consultation fee up front just in case my insurance didn't cover it. (Annoying point #1).

I got to the office for my appointment and signed in. I sat down in the waiting room and spotted a man with a little white paper bag. Yeah, I knew what that was for. When our glances crossed paths, we both looked away quickly. Awkward.

The nurse called my name and we did the basics: vital signs, weight, height, basic history. Yada yada. She led me into an exam room to wait for the doctor. I thought it was kind of weird because the room was basically dark save for a lamp. I sat on the rolling stool to the side of the exam table, typically used for sonograms based on the equipment in the room.

After what felt like twenty minutes (probably less), but I did play a couple rounds of 2048 and checked Instagram several times, the doctor came to get me and walked me down to his office.

So here's the thing, I generally try to avoid male doctors when it comes to lady part type issues. However, there seems to be a HUGE gap in the reproductive endocrinology field between men and women. After some Googling, most practices are run by men. Fine, that's cool. I still think it's weird that men are interested in parts they'll never have or truly understand, but whatever, such is life.

Anyway, the RE starts asking me questions and going over history and basic stuff. Then he tells me about the general course of treatment. Sonogram, clomid, sonogram, HCG shots, another sonogram (I'm probably missing something since I'm recalling this from memory), then pray you get pregnant. (That's my dumbed down version).

I told him about what my doctor said about thin uterine lining and asked about that because based on what my OBGYN said, it sounded like they would just have to give me some pills or shots or something to build up the lining for the next round. But he said that we'd have to go through the basics of sonograms and Clomid to get the base line of where I was at. (Annoying point #2)

I like to think of myself as a pragmatist. I try to do things that make the most sense financially and healthwise, generally speaking. And basically, the course of treatment he was describing sounded EXACTLY like what my OBGYN could do. In my mind, if my OB could do it in her office, WHY would I pay everything out of pocket to see the RE, if the treatment was THE SAME?

With the RE, the same course of treatment would cost $450 + the cost of prescriptions, while with my OB it would be $20 copays + the cost of prescriptions. Or, a fraction of the cost.

It just wasn't adding up for me. Why would I choose the more expensive route if the treatment was EXACTLY THE SAME? I was telling my mom about this, and I told her that if the RE had suggested something outside of what my OBGYN and I had discussed or a totally different course, then I would have considered moving forward with the RE.

But if it's the same....then WHY pay more?

Please know that these are simply my own opinions and anyone else who is wading the seas of infertility, you can make whatever choices you want and I have no judgment about them. But for me, it just didn't make sense.

Luckily, I was going to see my OBGYN later that week for my annual well woman exam and she asked me if I had made an appointment to see the RE. I told her I had already met him and his plan of action. Probably the best thing that happened and why I love my OBGYN was that she gave me this look that said, "ARE YOU SERIOUS? THAT'S WHAT HE SAID?"

She asked if I had told him about the thin uterine lining and estrogen stuff and I had. So I asked her if we could just proceed with her office, and instead of Femara, try Clomid, and see how that goes. I told her the same thing I told my mom, and practical standpoint of it just being less expensive to work with her office for now.

So that's where we're at. Next cycle I'll start with Clomid on Day 3. We'll see what that does.