#StartAsking the Media

I wish that the media would talk about infertility more often.

The topic is hinted at every now and then, but it's never really a focus of news reports, television shows, or movies.

Every now and then, there will be a brave celebrity who brings up the topic. If we're being totally honest, the celebrity experience with infertility is far removed from the average woman's experience.

Why do I think that?

Often, celebrities have the means and resources to achieve motherhood. IVF - in vitro fertilization - is a common treatment and procedure for infertility patients. It's also one of the most expensive. Many states do not mandate infertility coverage. (Some mandate that it's offered, but not necessarily covered.) As a result, many women cannot pursue this type of treatment because of the financial aspect.

IVF costs thousands and well into the tens of thousands of dollars. That goes for when it's paid out of pocket and even with insurance "coverage." Insurance coverage doesn't guarantee that you're covered for everything. Often, coverage includes only the procedures and not all the prescription medications needed.

What baffles my mind is how easily someone can terminate a pregnancy, and yet for those who are trying to achieve pregnancy, the road can be long and difficult. 

I think that rather than fight over abortion rights and all the politics that surround that, more energy should be focused on helping those who want to start their families. It's insane how expensive fertility cost are. It seems that it's the lucky few who either live in a fertility-covered state or happen to have awesome insurance that have access. 

I know ladies from my virtual support groups who live all over the country and each one of them has a different experience. Some have great access and coverage, others have none and must pay out of pocket 100%. 

I don't think anyone who wants to start a family envisions having to spend upwards of $25,000+ to make it happen. 

They find out about it as they get further into their journey. Usually unexpectedly. 

I find that the media covers infertility as it relates to extreme and sensational cases - remember the "Octomom" and recently a woman whose mom was her gestational carrier.

Considering that infertility is so common, you'd think that it would hit the media more often.

The most comforting thing for me reading about other cases. Knowing that I am not the only one experiencing this road to a family. My favorite is reading about the success stories of women who have similar conditions and their eventual ability to overcome them.

Thankfully, there is an amazing online infertility blogging community. 

Here are some Infertility blogs I recommend, that merely scrapes the surface of bloggers:

In Due Time

Waiting for Baby Bird

Starbucks, Peace, and the Pursuit of a Baby

Amateur Nester

Dreaming of Diapers

Don't Count Your Eggs

Baby Ridley Bump

Unpregnant Chicken

Time to #StartAsking

I never imagined that my life would be led down this path. I never thought that infertility would be part of my story.

The experience is both heart wrenching and amazing at the same time.

Infertility sucks. Plain and simple. You want one thing more than anything in the world and yet it's the one thing you can't have. Or it's a lot more complicated and involved to make it happen. You see everyone else around you get what you want. Pregnancy announcements. Baby showers. Pregnancy symptom complaints.

You think to yourself, "I'd give anything to be able to complain about that."

And on the other hand, it's also amazing. Why? The community that I have found through this journey has been awesome. A tribe of ladies who are in the trenches with you. Some with more serious cases of infertility, some with milder cases, some who are in the thick of IVF and on the road ahead of you, and some who are just getting started.

I have to ask though, why is the support mostly virtual?

I've been extremely lucky to get involved in two in-person support groups locally. However, before I discovered those resources, most of the support I could find was online.

So few people talk about infertility. I get it. It's a very personal topic. Society has made it almost taboo. I know that in my own life, I struggle to open up about it. I don't want to be considered "less than" or "not enough". While that's merely a story that I tell myself, I know that it's what so many women tell themselves.

"Why can't I fulfill this desire?"
"What's wrong with me?
"Why is SHE able and I am not?" - I know this is a question I've asked myself so much.

It feels like a matter of our self-worth.

I know it does for me.

While I also know that all these external things - career, motherhood, wife - don't define my self-worth, motherhood feels like it does. My current inability to become a mother makes me feel less than whole.

April 24-30, 2016 is National Infertility Awareness Week, where we have the opportunity to bring more light to this very common condition.

Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples, meaning that you probably know someone who is going through infertility, whether they share their struggle openly or not.

A common practice that I see in the infertility community is sharing your story with others going through infertility, and then once you cross over to "the other side" -- a successful pregnancy, your story can be shared.

But I would argue that our stories should be shared as we walk through it, where we are currently in the process, and not waiting until we find success.

This doesn't mean you have to spill your guts to the Internet or make a public service announcement on Facebook.

It may look like sharing your journey with a close friend or family member. It may look like joining a support group where you can share your struggles with others who are on a similar path. It may look like having monthly check-ins with a friend.

There's one common thing that we all need, especially if you're going through infertility: it's SUPPORT.

I know when we found out that starting our family was going to take a little more work and effort than others, I felt so isolated and alone. It wasn't until I was able to connect with other women who shared their stories both online and off that I realized that infertility is a quite common, though of course undesired, condition.

Having support through this journey is a huge help. Knowing that there are other couples who are coping with similar things reminds you that you are not alone. Being able to talk about topics that only other people who have been through or are currently going through infertility is so important for our sanity. People who get it.

What can our friends and family who have not experienced infertility but would like to be supportive do?

• Be there to listen. 
• Ask how you can help and be supportive.
• Show that you care, even though you may not fully understand.
• Check in occasionally, especially if you know that there are some procedures or tests coming up.
• Offer to drive or come with us to appointments if you feel led in that direction.
• Please refrain from suggesting techniques, old wives' remedies, and superstitions that may help getting pregnant. We've heard most of them, and have probably given them a go. 
• Understand if we hesitate to RSVP to your baby showers, kids birthday parties, or other baby-centric events. It's not because we don't love you and them, it's because the emotional toll is too much. We'll be happy to send a gift. Please understand, it's not you, it's us.
• If you're currently pregnant, please try not to complain about your pregnancy symptoms in front of us. We'd give anything to be suffering through morning sickness and food aversions. We understand your discomfort, but we're the wrong people to complain to.

For more information about infertility, support groups, and how to get involved, visit Resolve.org