In the last seven days, three women I know have announced their pregnancies. In the last two weeks, at least 4-5 Facebook friends have given birth.
So here's the tough thing. I don't know anything about their stories and how they got pregnant. Was it easy? Was it difficult? Did it require any medication or help?
One friend announced her pregnancy on Facebook, and for whatever emotional reason, it felt like a jab to my stomach. Which, when I think about it, is stupid, because it's not like she's expecting to spite me. It's not all about me.
But when you're going through infertility, not knowing if you'll ever be able to have your own child that you desire so much, every single pregnancy announcement feels like a reminder of what you have been unable to do for yourself.
As an overachiever in life (I was very competitive when it came to academics, at least in high school), and being able to get good grades and ace exams and the sort, it just feels sort of like a cruel joke that this is so difficult.
Then again, I was never good at sports. I was never good at running. And while I suppose that I could have practiced to my hearts content and improved my running, I still would not be an Olympic contender.
It's weird all the thoughts you have.
Will I ever be a mother? How will it happen? When will it happen?
And for now, we really would like to explore becoming parents naturally.
Adoption is awesome and it a whole other conversation for another time. It's definitely a consideration, but it's not at the forefront of the agenda at this time.
Day 5: Clomid
I just finished a course of Clomid for 5 days at 150mg per day. I was slightly worried that I was going to be crazy on that dose, but luckily, I felt totally normal. I know there are other ladies who take Clomid and have crazy side effects. I'm thankful that was not the case.
In addition to the Clomid, I also did Estradiol suppositories for five days. How fun right? (Said no one ever.) I'm thinking the last time I had to do the suppositories, I must have not inserted them correctly (sorry for TMI), and I'm hoping that I did a better job this time.
I'll go in on Friday for an ultrasound to see how the Clomid did it's magic and if my uterine lining is thick enough for implantation.
The annoying thing about Clomid is that it's anti-estrogenic, and actually works against the uterine lining, thus the need for estrogen supplements.
I'm feeling more hopeful this time, but also, I don't want to get my hopes up too high. It's still early in the cycle so it could go either way...if only science were a guarantee. But if it were that simple, there wouldn't be such a desire or yearning for those who have trouble conceiving.
In addition to the Clomid, I also did Estradiol suppositories for five days. How fun right? (Said no one ever.) I'm thinking the last time I had to do the suppositories, I must have not inserted them correctly (sorry for TMI), and I'm hoping that I did a better job this time.
I'll go in on Friday for an ultrasound to see how the Clomid did it's magic and if my uterine lining is thick enough for implantation.
The annoying thing about Clomid is that it's anti-estrogenic, and actually works against the uterine lining, thus the need for estrogen supplements.
I'm feeling more hopeful this time, but also, I don't want to get my hopes up too high. It's still early in the cycle so it could go either way...if only science were a guarantee. But if it were that simple, there wouldn't be such a desire or yearning for those who have trouble conceiving.
What no one tells you about infertility
Infertility was never a challenge I expected to face.
It's probably the hardest obstacle I've ever come in contact with in my life so far.
I feel like I'm fighting against time and resources.
I feel like I'm on the craziest emotional roller coaster I could ever board, and I hate crazy roller coasters.
It's both physically and emotionally draining.
And, while you're feeling ALL THE FEELS, every other woman around you will be pregnant, just announcing her pregnancy, or have just given birth. IT'S CRAZY.
You will feel like you're the only one.
You will feel like there's something wrong with you because if all these other women can get a bun in their oven, why can't you?
And then there are the couples who made an "oops" baby. "Oops we got pregnant by accident" or "We didn't mean to get pregnant". It can be good or bad, hopefully good for the sake of the child.
My message to those people: There are no "oops" babies. Pregnancy is 100% preventable. Your "oops" is merely your laziness and irresponsibility. But now you have a HUGE responsibility to take care of, and you better do it right...your child deserves that.
You feel like you can't share about your struggles because you don't want to be a Debbie-Downer.
People ask you if you want to have kids.
People ask you when you're going to have kids.
And how do you honestly answer that question?
Usually the "we're trying" answer suffices.
Sometimes, that opens up a whole other can of worms that presents itself with all kinds of unwarranted and quite frankly, unwanted advice.
"Just relax and it will happen"
"You'll get pregnant at the right time"
"Don't think about it so much"
or
"Why don't you just adopt?"
Okay, so for the record, that last statement is not any more comforting that the previous ones. Actually, that's probably a way more insensitive thing to say because first, perhaps the couple has looked into it, second, maybe they have decided it's not for them right now, and third, if you knew what it took to adopt....it's not just a "JUST" adopt sort of situation.
Adopting a human is way more involved and complicated than adopting a pet. I imagine that it involved a whole new emotional roller coaster track from infertility treatments...similar...parallel.
Infertility can be one of the loneliest roads you'll ever walk.
It feels like no one truly understands unless they have been through it too.
But perhaps that's the amazing part.
The more I talk to other women about getting pregnant and what it's like, the more I find others who did have a hard time here and there. While it doesn't make up for my own empty womb, it does help to know that I am not alone in this.
Infertility affects 1 in 8 women. 12.5% of the population!
One of the hardest parts of going through infertility is that there is no magic turnkey solution. It works for some and not for others. And as you go through this grueling physical journey, you're faced with an emotional battle you never saw coming. The decisions. The finances. The risks. The outcomes.
Just know that you're not on this journey alone.
My best advice if you're going through infertility:
Find someone to talk to; whether that's a friend who is also going through infertility, a counselor, or just someone you're close to that you trust.
Talk to your spouse or partner.
Find other things to focus on so that you're not dwelling on how you're not pregnant yet. Whether that's a project or new job or new business, or whatever it is, I think it's super helpful to have something else to devote your attention to.
Pray.
Meditate.
Exercise and eat right. If anything, this is just a good idea for your health and fitness.
Day 1: Clomid
After a bit of time off from infertility treatments and drugs, we decided to give Clomid another go. I'm not exactly sure what we'll do after this, but we'll see.
The difference in myself between last time and this time is that now I feel a lot more informed and educated about it. I've done a lot of research on my own so that I can know what I'm putting into my body. While it kind of freaks me out to think that I'm totally messing with my already messed up hormones, at least I know what's happening...without having a doctor's degree.
My hesitation with fertility treatments has definitely been the money factor and lack of success. Like, it really feels like a total waste of money (literally) flushed down the drain when you don't get your desired result. Am I right?
But I know that I can't look at it that way. At least we are doing something. We are taking some action. I feel like this whole endeavor definitely takes one part science and fifty parts faith. So much faith and trust in the unknown and what is to come.
I try and try and try to figure it out on my own, but I know ultimately that it's all in God's hands as to whether or not we get pregnant. As someone who is a control freak (mildly, haha), it's so hard to wrap my brain around that. I could probably do a thousand "right" or "correct" things, but none of that will guarantee anything.
So anyway, we've been on a drug break since October. So about six or seven months have gone by and no baby by our own efforts alone. I went back to see my OBGYN and she put me on another course of Clomid, at a higher dose 150mg/day for 5 days. There's also a little supplementation of estradiol suppositories (joy!) since Clomid is anti-estrogenic...how does that even work out.
Next Friday, I'll go back to the doctor's office for an ultrasound to see how Clomid worked and if I have a viable lining.
While I haven't conquered PCOS completely, I do believe that through my exercise and nutrition efforts, and losing about 15lbs since October, has helped overall. My cycles are irregular, but pretty consistent at 32 days. However, I had two cycles, one that lasted 40 days and one that lasted 45 days. Those were cycles when I got hopeful. I was holding out so hard on going to buy a pregnancy test. And just when I got to the point of deciding to go get one, my period showed up.
So we'll see how this goes. I hope the Clomid doesn't make me too crazy, for my husband's sake!
The difference in myself between last time and this time is that now I feel a lot more informed and educated about it. I've done a lot of research on my own so that I can know what I'm putting into my body. While it kind of freaks me out to think that I'm totally messing with my already messed up hormones, at least I know what's happening...without having a doctor's degree.
My hesitation with fertility treatments has definitely been the money factor and lack of success. Like, it really feels like a total waste of money (literally) flushed down the drain when you don't get your desired result. Am I right?
But I know that I can't look at it that way. At least we are doing something. We are taking some action. I feel like this whole endeavor definitely takes one part science and fifty parts faith. So much faith and trust in the unknown and what is to come.
I try and try and try to figure it out on my own, but I know ultimately that it's all in God's hands as to whether or not we get pregnant. As someone who is a control freak (mildly, haha), it's so hard to wrap my brain around that. I could probably do a thousand "right" or "correct" things, but none of that will guarantee anything.
So anyway, we've been on a drug break since October. So about six or seven months have gone by and no baby by our own efforts alone. I went back to see my OBGYN and she put me on another course of Clomid, at a higher dose 150mg/day for 5 days. There's also a little supplementation of estradiol suppositories (joy!) since Clomid is anti-estrogenic...how does that even work out.
Next Friday, I'll go back to the doctor's office for an ultrasound to see how Clomid worked and if I have a viable lining.
While I haven't conquered PCOS completely, I do believe that through my exercise and nutrition efforts, and losing about 15lbs since October, has helped overall. My cycles are irregular, but pretty consistent at 32 days. However, I had two cycles, one that lasted 40 days and one that lasted 45 days. Those were cycles when I got hopeful. I was holding out so hard on going to buy a pregnancy test. And just when I got to the point of deciding to go get one, my period showed up.
So we'll see how this goes. I hope the Clomid doesn't make me too crazy, for my husband's sake!
You Are Not Alone
I never imagined that infertility would be a part of my life.
You typically imagine your life after high school and college to go a little something like this. Find a job, meet your future husband, get married, buy a house, have kids, enjoy life, and have the cycle repeat.
I didn't think that it would be so hard to not have kids yet in this time of our lives. I remember at the beginning of our marriage, we were conscious that we didn't want to start a family right away. Having spent most of our dating relationship long-distance, we wanted to be able to be together and it be just us for a while.
Once we decided that we were ready and would start trying, we had no idea what lay ahead of us.
Why is the infertility journey such a lonely one?
I think it's because no one really talks about it openly. There's a stigma to infertility. Like you are broken and incomplete. And in this age of social media, where everyone shares their best food forward all the time, openly sharing about infertility is one of the hardest things ever.
I believe that's why there is a strong infertility blogging community. There's something about just writing about your experience that someone may or may not see that is freeing. You can get all your thoughts and share your experiences and struggles, with a whole lot less fear of judgment.
Because the last thing that people going through infertility want is your pity. That is not a helpful reaction. At least it is not for me. I want nothing more than to be able to start our family. While you may be looking for the words to say to comfort a friend who is on this journey of infertility, telling them to "relax" or that it'll "just happen when it's supposed to" or to try old wives tale remedy XYZ is not the thing to say.
We know all those things. We've Googled. We've researched to our hearts content. We're on the constant search for anything and everything that might give us a fighting chance to get pregnant. And let's not even start thinking about how to stay pregnant.
I read a stat that 1 in 8 couples are going through infertility. That's 12.5% of the population! That's crazy. But in a way it's also comforting.
I know that one of the main emotions I have felt during this time in our lives is feeling like we're the only ones. Thanks to Facebook, it's easy to see EVERYONE ELSE who is pregnant, just gave birth, or are expecting their next kid. And all we want is to join that club.
Baby shower invitations feel like jabs to the stomach (though they are not, of course). The baby aisles at Target are adorable and heart wrenching. Gender reveals are so sweet, but you can't help but roll your eyes. You have to smile when you're around pregnant ladies even though you don't want to, AT ALL. It's not their fault. It's not, but when it's the one thing you want most, you can't help it.
A couple of things have helped me during this journey:
Sarah's Laughter Devotionals: I was randomly searching through the devotionals section of the Bible App and I looked up infertility, not expecting to find anything. I was pleasantly surprised to actually find two different devotionals for those needing encouragement during this time. My favorite of the two is Sarah's Laughter. You can also go to their website and sign up for daily encouraging emails which I really enjoy receiving. They always arrive at the right time.
Infertility Blogs: I don't remember when I first started to look for infertility blogs. I think it was around the time that I had been diagnosed with PCOS. I was looking for other people and their experiences with PCOS. That's when I found Chelsea's blog. And then I found Lisa's blog. Check out the list on Lisa's blog for other infertility bloggers.
Focusing on other things: This has been huge for me. I remember when we first realized that we were not going to have an easy time getting pregnant. I focused on it. I obsessed over it. I tried to find every cure, remedy, oil, magic, etc to help us get closer to our goal. But that's what's tricky about infertility. You can do all those things and still have no results. Instead, I decided to focus on my business (I'm a photographer) and on getting fit.
Getting fit: At the beginning of this year, I decided once and for all that I was going to get healthy and fit. Dealing with PCOS makes that a little bit more complicated, but I was not going to let that deter me. In February I joined a challenge group my friend was hosting and it made all the difference to have that kind of accountability in the group. It was great! I decided that I wanted to help others get fit too and became Beachbody Coach. Working on getting fit, while it doesn't make any promises of becoming a parent any time soon, will at least get me closer to my goal, feeling healthier, and happier in the midst of this lonely journey.
What can you do?
If you have a friend or family member who is going through infertility, reach out to them. Don't try to offer suggestions per se, but be there for them. Go out and grab lunch. Go to the movies. Go get a pedicure. Spend quality time with them to show that you care. Pray for them. Pray with them. Offer to let them vent to you, we all just want someone who will listen (to give our spouses a break!).
Be empathetic, not sympathetic. Please don't pity us. You may not understand what it's like, but that's okay. This journey is a unique one that only people who have been through it or are in it truly understand.
Infertility has truly been one of the craziest emotional roller coasters that I have ever been on. It makes me feel crazy. It makes me feel lost. I wish that there was a path carved out with clear directions on which way to go. Do we try more medication? Do we try for an IUI? Do we start saving for IVF? Do we hope that with lifestyle changes we're healthy enough for it to happen naturally? These are the questions constantly running through my head. (Not to mention the biological clock ticking away....)
If you are in the trenches of infertility, know that you are not alone.
