#StartAsking and Advocate for Yourself

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I know that when I started out on my journey of starting a family, I had no idea what was in store. I never thought that becoming a parent would involve thousands of dollars, endless blood draws, countless ultrasounds (and not the kind in the movies on the outside of the belly....) or even surgery.

Our path has.

I remember when I first learned that it was going to be more complicated to start a family. I was overwhelmed. There was so much information and so little information. And if you don't know anyone who has gone through infertility, you can get lost quickly!

When my OBGYN referred me to a specialist, I was really nervous because I didn't completely understand the process. You'd think that biology and health classes in high school and college would explain it, but it's such a complicated process! When you're not actively trying to conceive, you kind of ignore the details...I know I did!

If you come to the place where you are ready to meet with a specialist, you must advocate for yourself. The first reproductive endocrinologist seemed to be in a hurry. There I was, nervous, didn't understand all the infertility/fertility terms or procedures, and here was this guy spewing all the tests that we had to do. He didn't take time to get to know me or my history. He launched directly into his standard protocol of treatment.

I was not comfortable with that.

I never went back.

Then I heard he left that practice.

When I was ready to dip my toe in the RE pool again, I did my research. I knew that I wanted to find a female doctor (if possible), and hopefully one who had experience treating women with PCOS. I wanted to find someone who would listen to my concerns, answer my questions, and get to know my husband and I a little bit before advising treatment.

After lots of research, I found our current RE, who is wonderful and everything that I could ask for in a reproductive endocrinologist. She has fantastic beside manner, is kind, empathetic, and explains everything in plain English. She is the best!

That experience taught me that if I had gone blindly with the other specialist...who knows where I would be. I know at the very least, I'd be a little disappointed in my care!

This journey is HARD. You must advocate for yourself. Ask questions. Find support.

When you're looking at spending thousands of dollars (with and without insurance!), you shouldn't have to just go to "anyone". If you have the ability to choose your doctor, do so. Even if it means you have to interview multiple specialists. You should feel 100% comfortable with your doctor!

Some facts about infertility, from Resolve.org


Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive for 12 months or to carry a pregnancy through a live birth
  • 1 in 8 couples go through infertility. Yes, that means someone you know is currently going through it whether they are open about it or not.
  • 1/3 of the diagnosis have to do with problems with the female, 1/3 is male and 1/3 are both
  • Only 15 states have an insurance mandate to offer some form of insurance

Now onto the #StartAsking theme: What questions can you start asking?

  • Ask your doctor about tests, diagnosis, medical procedures, and options
  • Ask yourself what natural steps you can take to increase your fertility
  • Ask your spouse where they stand on medical intervention, adoption, etc
  • Ask your friends and family to support and pray for you
  • Ask your insurance what coverage you have
  • Ask your employer for better coverage for infertility
  • Ask your spouse how they are doing
  • Ask your friends who are going through infertility how they are doing
  • Ask your church to acknowledge infertility
  • Ask your congressmen for better coverage for infertility.

#StartAsking the Media



I wish that the media would talk about infertility more often.

The topic is hinted at every now and then, but it's never really a focus of news reports, television shows, or movies.

Every now and then, there will be a brave celebrity who brings up the topic. If we're being totally honest, the celebrity experience with infertility is far removed from the average woman's experience.

Why do I think that?

Often, celebrities have the means and resources to achieve motherhood. IVF - in vitro fertilization - is a common treatment and procedure for infertility patients. It's also one of the most expensive. Many states do not mandate infertility coverage. (Some mandate that it's offered, but not necessarily covered.) As a result, many women cannot pursue this type of treatment because of the financial aspect.

IVF costs thousands and well into the tens of thousands of dollars. That goes for when it's paid out of pocket and even with insurance "coverage." Insurance coverage doesn't guarantee that you're covered for everything. Often, coverage includes only the procedures and not all the prescription medications needed.

What baffles my mind is how easily someone can terminate a pregnancy, and yet for those who are trying to achieve pregnancy, the road can be long and difficult. 

I think that rather than fight over abortion rights and all the politics that surround that, more energy should be focused on helping those who want to start their families. It's insane how expensive fertility cost are. It seems that it's the lucky few who either live in a fertility-covered state or happen to have awesome insurance that have access. 

I know ladies from my virtual support groups who live all over the country and each one of them has a different experience. Some have great access and coverage, others have none and must pay out of pocket 100%. 

I don't think anyone who wants to start a family envisions having to spend upwards of $25,000+ to make it happen. 

They find out about it as they get further into their journey. Usually unexpectedly. 

I find that the media covers infertility as it relates to extreme and sensational cases - remember the "Octomom" and recently a woman whose mom was her gestational carrier.

Considering that infertility is so common, you'd think that it would hit the media more often.

The most comforting thing for me reading about other cases. Knowing that I am not the only one experiencing this road to a family. My favorite is reading about the success stories of women who have similar conditions and their eventual ability to overcome them.

Thankfully, there is an amazing online infertility blogging community. 

Here are some Infertility blogs I recommend, that merely scrapes the surface of bloggers:



Time to #StartAsking


I never imagined that my life would be led down this path. I never thought that infertility would be part of my story.

The experience is both heart wrenching and amazing at the same time.

Infertility sucks. Plain and simple. You want one thing more than anything in the world and yet it's the one thing you can't have. Or it's a lot more complicated and involved to make it happen. You see everyone else around you get what you want. Pregnancy announcements. Baby showers. Pregnancy symptom complaints.

You think to yourself, "I'd give anything to be able to complain about that."

And on the other hand, it's also amazing. Why? The community that I have found through this journey has been awesome. A tribe of ladies who are in the trenches with you. Some with more serious cases of infertility, some with milder cases, some who are in the thick of IVF and on the road ahead of you, and some who are just getting started.

I have to ask though, why is the support mostly virtual?

I've been extremely lucky to get involved in two in-person support groups locally. However, before I discovered those resources, most of the support I could find was online.

So few people talk about infertility. I get it. It's a very personal topic. Society has made it almost taboo. I know that in my own life, I struggle to open up about it. I don't want to be considered "less than" or "not enough". While that's merely a story that I tell myself, I know that it's what so many women tell themselves.

"Why can't I fulfill this desire?"
"What's wrong with me?
"Why is SHE able and I am not?" - I know this is a question I've asked myself so much.

It feels like a matter of our self-worth.

I know it does for me.

While I also know that all these external things - career, motherhood, wife - don't define my self-worth, motherhood feels like it does. My current inability to become a mother makes me feel less than whole.

April 24-30, 2016 is National Infertility Awareness Week, where we have the opportunity to bring more light to this very common condition.

Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples, meaning that you probably know someone who is going through infertility, whether they share their struggle openly or not.

A common practice that I see in the infertility community is sharing your story with others going through infertility, and then once you cross over to "the other side" -- a successful pregnancy, your story can be shared.

But I would argue that our stories should be shared as we walk through it, where we are currently in the process, and not waiting until we find success.

This doesn't mean you have to spill your guts to the Internet or make a public service announcement on Facebook.

It may look like sharing your journey with a close friend or family member. It may look like joining a support group where you can share your struggles with others who are on a similar path. It may look like having monthly check-ins with a friend.

There's one common thing that we all need, especially if you're going through infertility: it's SUPPORT.

I know when we found out that starting our family was going to take a little more work and effort than others, I felt so isolated and alone. It wasn't until I was able to connect with other women who shared their stories both online and off that I realized that infertility is a quite common, though of course undesired, condition.

Having support through this journey is a huge help. Knowing that there are other couples who are coping with similar things reminds you that you are not alone. Being able to talk about topics that only other people who have been through or are currently going through infertility is so important for our sanity. People who get it.

What can our friends and family who have not experienced infertility but would like to be supportive do?


  • Be there to listen. 
  • Ask how you can help and be supportive.
  • Show that you care, even though you may not fully understand.
  • Check in occasionally, especially if you know that there are some procedures or tests coming up.
  • Offer to drive or come with us to appointments if you feel led in that direction.
  • Please refrain from suggesting techniques, old wives' remedies, and superstitions that may help getting pregnant. We've heard most of them, and have probably given them a go. 
  • Understand if we hesitate to RSVP to your baby showers, kids birthday parties, or other baby-centric events. It's not because we don't love you and them, it's because the emotional toll is too much. We'll be happy to send a gift. Please understand, it's not you, it's us.
  • If you're currently pregnant, please try not to complain about your pregnancy symptoms in front of us. We'd give anything to be suffering through morning sickness and food aversions. We understand your discomfort, but we're the wrong people to complain to.
For more information about infertility, support groups, and how to get involved, visit Resolve.org

Empire made me cry

I am not the type of person to cry easily when it comes to TV or movies. I can probably list on one hand the number of times that a TV show or movie made me cry. Does this make me heartless? No, I don't think so. My triggers for tears come in other formats.

My hubby and I watch Empire, however since we typically volunteer at church on Wednesday nights, we catch up on episodes on the weekend thanks to Hulu. If you watch Empire and are not caught up, I won't spoil it for you, and if you saw the mid-season finale, then you know what happened.

Anyway, there's a song that Jamal and Hakeem write for their brother Dre, called "Good People". And oh my gosh...like I said, I don't cry easily, but this song, listening to the words made me tear up. Okay, I'll have to spoil just a small detail, but you would have guessed it anyway. Dre and Rhonda lose their baby after Rhonda's accident (where she was pushed down a flight of stairs).

While the song isn't exclusively about miscarriage, it is about loss, and I think this song will resonate with so many people who have gone through loss. For me, I really listened to all of the words in the song and just kept thinking to myself, "Yes. Yes. Yes" to the way I feel and felt about our own miscarriage. 

You question yourself, you question God, you question what you did wrong for this to happen. It's likely we'll never know. In fact, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, it's just that most of the time, the loss happens before the pregnancy is confirmed. It appears as a period. I think that's why the stat is so high, but it doesn't seem like it in real life. 

Next week is National Infertility Awareness month and the theme this year is #StartAsking. I think that infertility is one of those subjects that feels taboo, or society has made taboo, and in effect, there are SO MANY couples going through infertility and yet they feel alone. I know that as soon as I started to research infertility and support groups I discovered so many others going through the same thing. While I think that the scales are generally tipped in the direction of those who get pregnant easily on my social media feeds, it helps to know that I am not the only one going through this experience. 



Today would have been our due date...

I remember when we saw that positive pregnancy test. We were overjoyed. It was probably the happiest moment I can remember since we started trying to conceive. And of course, one of the first things I did was enter my information into a pregnancy due date calculator to see when our bundle of joy would be expected to make an appearance.

April 11. 2016.

Today's date.

It struck me that it was also the date of my grandfather's death anniversary. Twenty three years ago he passed away. I saw it as almost a "sign" that this was meant to be. Kind of like a passing of a torch or something metaphorical I thought up to assign significance to the date.

The days and months following the news that the miscarriage were altered significantly. But it happened in a super subtle way. I felt like the spark and drive that I normally possess dissipated. My motivation evaporated. Things that normally felt easy just felt hard. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted and longed for the one thing I couldn't have.

I think that I didn't really process my grief. I did...but I didn't. Because it happened so early, part of me felt like I wasn't attached, but that was a lie I was telling myself. I now understand the gravity of a positive pregnancy test and that first ultrasound... As soon as I saw that plus sign, I became a mother. My heart doubled in size to carry this new life.

And then it was ripped away.

I went on the for the next few months and I was okay. The memory of the miscarriage tucked away. It would surface when I went to my support group and would tell my story. It would surface when I thought about last summer's extreme highs and deep lows. But I carried on. I tried to focus on other things.

April rolled around. I don't even know how we're already four months into 2016, but we are. I thought about it this weekend. I thought about how things would be different if I didn't have a miscarriage. How this past weekend, I'd either be waiting for labor, in the hospital, or with a new family member that I had prayed for so long.

That wasn't the case. The day came and went. And our arms are empty.

While I didn't spend the day moping around or crying into my pillow, I still thought about the significance that today's date had. What could of been. I know that there's no going back in reverse and the only way to move is forward, but it's definitely something that crosses your mind.

At what point are we at now? Waiting for my cycle to start...again.

I think I've become a professional waiter...as in I'm really good at waiting.